Help and support appreciated

[West1]

I have no proof of it. She has never given me any reason to not trust and believe her.i was blinded by my hurt, rejection, my justification, self pity.

I know she is hurting more than I can ever truly understand.

She has told me shen pressured before she moved out that they were just friends, she needed someone to talk to about this that was not me.

She has said he is not in her life, and when i asked how he was doing one day when i was feeling hurt and defensive, which is totally wrong on my part, that it made her feel like I didnt think she loved me anymore.

[West1]

What DB principles would be beneficial in this situation?

She is interested in moving back in, me moving to basement. Girls moving into smaller bedroom. Her and twins in master bedroom.

I have started to mend things I have done. Reassuring her. Not being defensive. Not being decietful. Open and honest since this started about where I am, what I am doing, who I am with. Giving her space. Not asking where she has been, who with. Not pressuring her.

Working on myself.
Making a budget.
paying all household bills on time.
being more involved with our children without being over bearing.
accepting her decisions, and stilulations on living arrangements.

[West1]

Things going well this afternoon.
Twins are wonderful and happy.
Signed temp motion.

W is stil interested in moving back in.

Now to figure out how to properly move forward dbing.

Do I do normal affair recovery techniques from unfaithful spouses perspective, i have agreed to give her space.
respect her wishes. Respect her boundaries.
not ask questions where she has been what she has been doing.

[sandi2]

Do I do normal affair recovery techniques from unfaithful spouses perspective, i have agreed to give her space.
respect her wishes. Respect her boundaries.
not ask questions where she has been what she has been doing.

It's a starting place.

She needs to change in you. For example, it sounds as if you could use some help in anger/overbearing tendencies. Have you considered counseling for your issues?

[West1]

Not really an angry guy,I express my frustration, and anger, but don't lose my temper. I get flustered but do not blow my top.

I have been in counseling for my childhood sexual abuse, and being physically and verbally abused. Was very passive and non confrontational for a long time. Social anxiety and depression for lonnnnggg time. Now just panic attacks every once in a while.

Have begun being more assertive, asking for what I need, expressing and experiencing all my emotions rather than suppressing them.

[sandi2]

I was looking for the attention that was missing as she withdrew from everything. She said she gave up months ago. Even asked me if I wanted to get a girlfriend at one point. All after the babies were born and she went back to work. Then withdrew was on Facebook constantly and wouldn't engage me in conversation when we were together.

How does this fit within the timetable of you seeking the connection with OW?

Was your W withdrawing from your M? I don't understand why she told you to get a GF, but at the same time she was having sex with you every day........and leaves you upon learning about your EA. I am just trying to see how all this fits together.

You said when you read the WW thread that you could see your W in much of it. Was your W wayward before she left?

[West1]

She was acting like what I have read, and said ILYBINILWY, had a man over to our house while me and twins were sleeping, said she was romantically talking to someone, acting selfish, irresponsible actions, threatening to leave if I didn't let her do what she wanted when she wanted and not ask questions about money, where she was at, when I had to go to work and no one was here with twins, would get dialed by her phone and hear her talking. Rebelling, saying you aren't my father, saying I hate you and then being nice and sweet a while later. Locking her phone and computer, when she never had before, and had always been open with them to each other,
Never let it out of her sight, constantly checking it, blocked me from Facebook.

[West1]

She left a month after, she was still sleeping in same bed with me up until about two days before she left.

[West1]

Working on finishing moving living arrangements around, went out for a nice bike ride, something I have not done in a while. Helped clear my head and focus on what my goals are.
1. Make myself the best man I can be for me.
2. Be the father I have always wanted to be.
3 . Be the change I want to see in the world.
4. Stop criticizing,stop complaining, stop pressuring, stop judging, accept things and people for who and what they are.
5.Acquire the skills I need to increase closeness in my relationships with friends and family.
6.Save my marriage through action.

[West1]

Talked to W on the phone for an hour.
Made her laugh, made her cry, made her giggle, and we talked the most comfortably I have with her in 2 months. Subjects were varied... Like when you are on a long car trip, she was driving, I talked to her the whole way like I always used to...then stop and she would call me back when she got in and we kept talking as she drove.

I started gushing...saying things I love about her, apologizing for things that I did that did nothing but making things worse.
She praised and acknowledged how hard it is to work every day, and do everything else we needed to do, and not really have or spend any time individually any more.
She remarked we Haven't been out to dinner as a whole family of 7 but a handful of times since babies were born. Takes two five passenger vehicles, and vacations are expensive.