Little Cloud of Dust - PigPen & The WAW (3)

[PigPen]

Thanks everyone. I've had two days to really let it all sink in. I spoke yesterday with my W's cousin, he reached out to her about why she cancelled the meeting. He relayed to me that she stated she's in a really good place in her life, that our issues were less about my substance use, and more about the fact that we "speak different languages".

I'm not sure what that means, but as I wrote in my original post - this is the third time that my W has left me. Two while we were dating, and then BD. Oddly enough, since BD both of our lives have flourished in ways that we simply couldn't make them while we were together. It's hard to realize, but it's true. She left me and started the business she wanted to for our whole M. She left me and I got completely sober, changed my job to what I've always wanted to do, and found myself again.

This may sound like I'm giving up on my M, but I'm not. I'm simply not fighting for it any more. The rope has been dropped. I'm going to be fine with or without her and now I believe the real DB'ing begins.

For the three weeks leading up to this meeting, I was a mess. No real GAL'ing, no productivity at work, my business partner upset with me, me not feeling like I was back to the week after BD with the anxiety and depression. I felt like I was barely treading water. Today I got out of the pool and realized that the sun feels great on my skin.

This morning I hooked up with a literary coach and have a writing schedule set up. This afternoon I got back in the gym. This weekend is packed with fun plans. Next week I have a ton of things I actually want to accomplish at work. I'm not turning down any invitations for the subconscious fear that if I move on too much my W won't come back. I'm moving forward. With a passion.

There is truly a weight off of my shoulders now. If she wants back, she can call me. If she wants to talk, I'm here. Otherwise, I'm going to be busy creating the life that I've always wanted - one that's healthy, vibrant, sober, humble, congruent, overflowing with integrity and honesty, and let's me feel like I'm making a difference in the world. Just writing that makes me feel better than I have in weeks.

I love my W, love her to death. In fact, I can say with 100% truth that I love her enough to leave her be and let her find her own bliss without me. I'm going to do the same. I believe I finally understand what all the fuss is about "detachment".

Blessings to everyone on this board for guiding me this far in my journey. Let the real DB'ing begin.

Much love,

PP