Abuse

[Vanilla]

My spouse says I am an abuser and that isn't correct

There are several replies to this.

Firstly your spouse is the true abuser and you are the target. In which case this thread is a starter, you may not have known this before. You may want to try IC, boundary setting and these responses aren't effective.

Secondly your spouse is confusing conflict and anger with abuse. There might be elements of abuse glimpses but it is part of your R. Inappropriate and needs to change.

Thirdly your spouse feels abused even though there is little abuse, perhaps because of their history and you have denied thiem their feelings leaving them empty and unsupported. It isn't helping. Although the spouses feelings are irrational.

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As a result of these accusations we feel angry and unloved. We may want revenge reacting with overkill, exploding with rage and blasting our spouse. We may also make digs or backstabbing (Indirect anger). We could even spill over at the wrong people for all of the ills in our lives (misdirection). It might make us unwell, headaches, heart disease, ulcers, depression.

It may spill into low grade hostility and aggression.

So what do we do if we have been deliberately lied to?

The Recognition Phase
1. We say we are angry, upset and bewildered, we are honest about it
2. We give ourselves time. We stop striking back and compose ourselves
3. We give ourselves distance, use the third person stance as the fly on the wall
4. We can journal, post or simply draw a response plan

The expression Phase
1. We address our hurts to those who hurt us
2. Tell the other we are afraid of stating our anger
3. Say how you feel
4. Say why you feel it

The other doesn't acknowledge it
1. Exercise, really hard, burn it off
2. Don't let go of your grudge unless you want to, but let go of the need for revenge
3. Write a letter perhaps burn it

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Your spouse isn't rational but truly believes there is abuse, even if misguided they are sincere in their feelings, You are not a target of theirs

Double check is there any foundation? If so this route isn't the right one. So you or your spouse are a compulsive, neglectful or depressed? Try a rounder approach than this.

Reasoning with irrationality won't work, putting the record straight won't help, the other does not want to hear us defend ourselves. So it all circulates and winds itself into conflict. We defend ourselves and even though we believe we are right, the other is irrational but not manipulative!

To reason with irrationality does more harm than good. If you defend yourself it will make things worse so don't do it.

So why are spouses irrational?
~ its threatening or harmful to them (not you)
~ they are in crisis (ill health, job loss, .....) and can't see the wood for the trees
~ disagree philosophically
~ you are in the wrong place at the wrong time
~ it's bad news and they are emotional
~ feel bad about themselves, their behaviour or have guilt or shame
~ just because it's contrary
~ they have unmet needs or are afraid
~ they feel powerless
~ they want to control you
~ take drugs or substances
~ are having an affair

You may not know why but a genuine misunderstanding needs resolving and the irrational seems rational to your spouse. They like all individuals believe they are correct and behaving rationally.

It makes sense to them. Be kind patient and effective, you have the advantage of rationality of being an observer. They are irrational, hurting and angry. Don't react or take it personally, it's irrational. Irrational is nonsense.

You may never need to know why this is as it is just that it is. Actually the reason probably doesn't matter. What matters is that you know it's not you. Detach, you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. But you can communicate to it.

Your spouse should never treat you badly nor abuse you, no matter how irrational.

So what to do, how to deal with irrationality as it happens?

1. Take time out and breathe. Cool it, detach, withdraw mentally for a while. Let the others anger burn out whilst you stay calm. Let them burn out any rant. Respond with let me see if I understand but I need a moment. Can you slow down I am seeking to hear. I hear you say.........

2. Feel empathy but not pity or sympathy. This is irrational and you don't agree but can acknowledge. Nod or lean forward and listen. (First level response)

3. Move to second position in your mind (be in the others shoes).be compassionate and kind, above all be kind. See if you can identify the cause.(Second level response)

4. Reflect back feelings (you may have already reflected back their words in 1 above) use a calm even tone. So make this about them not you at this stage. (Third level response)

I think you are upset that I did xyz
Not
You are saying I treated you badly

You resent the fact I played golf all weekend
Not
I hear you that you don't like me playing golf

5. Validate feelings (Fourth level response) having already recognise them and reflected them back.

See Wonkas validation cheat sheet for examples on how to do this. For examples of what not to say see the invalidation post in this thread.

6. Express compassion about the pain

You feel hurt because you feel mistreated or abused.

Donot accept you abused them. "You seem to believe I agree I abused you, I feel upset that you feel as you do and I want you to acknowledge that I m upset. In addition I want to tell you that I respect you have the feelings even if I do not accept I Abused you"

7. Ask for future discussion and then state how you feel

"I feel upset you believe I deliberately caused your hurt, and I do not hold myself accountable. Although I do believe you feel the way I do. I find this very difficult. I would like us to talk about that next, tomorrow, next week....."

I am having great difficulty with my confusion and resentment that you think I am trying to control/abuse you when I know that is not my intention.

8. Agree to disagree.

"We are obviously of different opinions, can we agree to disagree that I acknowledge you feel abused whilst I do not accept I abused you."

9. Say you will respond if mistreated.

"Expect me to refute your accusation every time I hear it, I accept you believe I am trying to control/abuse you and I will listen to what you have to say but I know I had no such intention."

This is taken from NMMNG and too nice for your own good, together with no more conflict.

V