Falling Pianos: Wayward Wife & LRT (8)

[Defacto]

Thanks for the response and support guys! Sorry, I meant to post this yesterday but I wasn't able to. I will catch up on the other comments and reply later when I get the chance.

Zues,
I completely understand your position. I do want to at least have a shot at saving my MR. My W, or who I knew to be my W, is gone for good. I'm not even really confident I could ever love this new woman again because of how much she's changed. It makes me wonder if she pretended to be somebody else during our MR and just finally decided she had enough pretending.

What gives me an ounce of hope is that STBX still seems conflicted about her present course. I feel she still genuinely cares about me or why would it matter if I was angry with her or hated her like she alleged the other night. Maybe that is the guilt talking, who knows?

Journaling:
Today started out much better than Monday. I went in to work a few minutes early to get caught up from yesterday. STBX sent me a few cute pics of D4 with the new people. I responded with a short TM playfully acknowledging the pics. A few hours later, STBX sent a pic of S1 with the puppy and a video of D4. I did not respond to this.

Around lunch time, STBX sends a TM saying that she is contemplating a different school for D4 and asks if I remember one of the schools we looked at before. She also invites me to visit the school again with her again tomorrow morning.

Me: Yeah, I do remember liking it. I will try to make it tmw morning. Thanks!

I'm totally in favor of a different school for D4 mainly because the financial burden of her current school is tremendous. So hopefully STBX and I can agree to make the switch.

I FaceTimed with the kids as usual. At the end of the call, I told STBX that I'd be able to meet her in the morning to tour the prospective school for D4. She seemed grateful that I could make it

Last night, I had the philosophy discussion group that I facilitate at the local brewery. I always look forward to a little John Locke paired with an American lager. I have thoroughly enjoyed reconnecting with my love for philosophy and critical discussion. It just stinks that it took BD for me to do it.

[Defacto]

I can see some of the take aways from Rob X's plan. However, I don't plan on dating or doing anything like that.

Journaling:
This morning's school meeting with STBX went great. She was late with the kids but I didn't let it affect me. The old the Defacto would have been agitated or even upset, but I didn't let it bother me one bit. We enjoyed the new school for D4, plus it's much more financially viable than her previous school. Win win. STBX and I were both very engaged and asking questions with the school personnel during our meeting.

After the meeting, STBX and I talked about the school and we both agreed this was the best option moving forward. It reminded me that if there was one thing we were good at together, it was problem-solving.

I helped put the kids in the car seat and STBX came over and hugged me and thanked me for being there. After I finished saying goodbye to the kids, she came over and gave me another hug and thanked me again. As we were driving away, I didn't look over to her car. At the stoplight I glanced over and STBX was looking at me. She smiled and waved at me. I smiled and waved back.

I think it went really well. I acted "as if" and I was confident and assertive. I was attractive and friendly. Numerous times, when we heard something we liked about the school, STBX and I would look at each other and smile. I know, no expectations. But I am pleased that we are able to work together when making important childcare decisions.

[Starsky309]

I do agree with part of what he is saying about being attractive to the wayward spouse. Building a life and GAL without them. Many of the reconciled spouses have said that a big factor was seeing the LBS moving on without them and that life would be 'okay' without them.

That was the point I was leaning towards.

Yep. That's spot-on, and it's basic human relationship dynamics. People tend to value most that which is difficult to obtain.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

My personal opinion. I think Plan RobX is divorce advice.

I didn't agree with everything he advised (ex: dating), but thought he had some pretty good advice. While whether or not someone was able to reconcile their marriage or not shouldn't be the be-all/end-all in determining the value of their advice, it sure does influence it.

Starsky

[asitis]

On the dating question, ask yourself if you feel you are ready to have a real relationship if the other person goes and falls for you? What if your W asks to reconcile, what would you do with this OP?

On your above question about whether or not you can love this new woman your W has become, that's probably a good place to be. It is detached, it is not take her back at any cost. The point is you will have to decide to give it a try, and then you'll both have to spend time learning who the other really is. Then you decide.

Is she who she is now or who she was then? A little from column A, a little from column B, with a bit of column C (she doesn't & you don't know yet who she is growing into). She changed abruptly. Don't get too locked into pegging her as the way she is now is the way she will always be (if you look back at yourself, I suspect you'll recognize how you have changed and will be a different person in a future relationship without all of the emotional stress of the current sitch). Trying to fix someone in time is a big part of our problems. We start reacting to the people we think they are, rather than seeing who they are, what they need, and what they are afraid of in this current moment, and then our reactions get us into trouble. Both parties do this, and it is somewhat inevitable, but the less you can do it the better you'll be at Rs, whether w/ your W or someone else.

[Bob723]

Hello Defacto,

I just wanted to stop by and say "Hello!" You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm really happy to hear that this morning's school meeting with your STBX went great. Hooray!

Please keep a PMA, don’t give up and keep moving forward. We all have your back, my friend.

Bob

[Defacto]

Thanks Asitis and Bob, I truly thrive on your advice and encouragement.

Journaling:

STBX called while I was on my way home from work. She said she was so sad. I asked her why. She said that she sees my pictures on Instagram and all the comments from my friends. She misses having all of her old friends in her life. She said that she wished that we could have figured this out just the two of us. I did a lot of "ok's and I understands." I didn't apologize but I told her that I understand how she feels because I went through something similar when we first met. It's obvious that she still blames me for the exposure but I just let her talk about why she was sad.

However, I felt it was time to take the lead. I told her that I don't know what happens between us in the future but if we were ever got to the point where we work on our MR, I wouldn't let any friend hold it over her head if I was able to forgive her. I told her I have some reservations and concerns myself. I'm not convinced we could ever get back together either.

I then utilized GB's example and I asked her to imagine a perfect relationship, like the one we envisioned for each other. She said that she was having a hard time imagining it. She admitted that we did have great times together with the kids but she's not sure that is enough to make us happy. I alluded to how well we worked together at the school on Tuesday and she agreed. I told her that I always felt like we did well to problem solve during our MR and again she agreed. I then asked her why two intelligent people like ourselves couldn't figure out these problems.

I told her that our MR could never be the same and I see that now. She asked me what I meant. I told her about some of the things I wish I knew about myself and marriage in general before BD. She sincerely thanked me for sharing this and said it was good to hear.

I then thought it would be wise to change the subject a bit to lighten the seriousness. I told her about my experience with the new puppy spending the night yesterday with the kids. We joked that the puppy helped me to work on having more patience and we both shared how we like watching D4 with puppy.

I then told STBX that I needed to get ready for the kids and we said our goodbyes. I almost felt like she was lingering a bit when I hung up.

So, I feel that it went ok. I obviously tried to employ a nuanced approach. Some might say that I might have pleaded but I think it felt more like me leading. Multiple times I shared my reservations and doubts about us ever working out. I never asked her to do anything. I feel like I just offered some alternative viewpoints.

Anyway, no expectations. I really do have doubts about us still being compatible but for the sake of the kids, I'd still like a shot at it. However, I do feel like I am making my own way much better as of late.

I'm really looking forward to heading out of town on Saturday. It will be great to spend time with friends and getting away from it all for a few days.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Perfect.

I read on another thread Cadet bumped where MWD posted the following:

You ask whether doing a 180 will lead to out of sight, out of mind. It totally depends on your particular situation. That's the point about all of the methods I write about. You try something, and you watch the results. If it isn't working, you switch gears. But doing the same old thing when it isn't working is the best way to create problems in your marriage.
So, try your 180 for a few weeks and see what happens.
Michele

I think the point of trying something new is a good one. "Pursue" her for a bit here, in a confident, fun, "as if" manner and see what happens. Focus on the "fun". She just hinted at being jealous of all the fun you are having....so invite her along when you can (coffee first, no doubt...don't over do it). She needs to experience this new more fun you AND see that all your friends are going to pretty much be fine with you two being back together. Pick out the most understanding of friends. Maybe you know a couple that has even experienced infidelity, told you about it after finding out about your situation and survived. They could be very helpful since they reconciled themselves. Our friends were super supportive and we've become the go-to couple for helping all our friends as everybody struggles with this marriage thing.

Let your wife "pursue" serious couple conversation. You listen intently. Ask questions and listen some more. Do your leading by actions versus trying to lead a recovery by talking about it or wearing your heart on your sleeve.

It's be kind of funny for the stoic non-emotional guy to be the one saying "I'm not really quite ready or sure about becoming emotionally vulnerable to you right now. Let's just have fun". Perhaps you hint that there's a lot more about you you've recently discovered and learned about yourself that you'll share in time; but, right now you are content with just having fun and getting to know the real her.


BTW, my wife was really different for a year or so but slowly morphed into something better than she ever was before or during that time in our lives. Life has planted you both here. Bloom. You don't have much to lose in the effort, but SHE unknowingly does.

[Defacto]

Thanks GB. I'm just trying a varied approach if STBX seems to be pursuing. We'll see if this works any better...

Journaling:

STBX called as I was driving home from work. She said she was just waking up. We made some brief small talk and then she asked about the kids schedule this weekend. I told her that she had them Saturday and Sunday night. She seemed surprised and then she inquired about when I would be dropping them off. I told her my normal time 3pm.

This wasn't satisfactory for her as she talked about having to wake up early and how I don't get enough time with the kids because of the nuances of our work schedules. She complained about having to hear about how D4 misses me all weekend. She also said that I was abandoning D4. I responded that I didn't see it that way because I was dropping the kids off with their mom. STBX asked if I could keep them longer tomorrow and I told her I couldn't because I was going out of town.

I responded by saying that I always want to spend more time with the kids. I agreed that under normal circumstances I could keep the kids for longer. I also agreed that I saw how our schedules sometimes shortchange my time with the kids. She thanked me for listening and I thanked her for bringing it up, especially when it's about what's best for the kids. She said that I'm obviously the more fun parent but I downplayed this a bit. I then said I needed to hurry to pick up milk for S1 and we said our goodbyes.

I was calm, drank a STFU smoothie, and agreed with STBX where applicable. I would think she'd be happier getting more time with the kids on this occasion but who knows the heart of her motivation.

[Defacto]

Two things that are interesting. STBX called to say hi to the kids on her way into work. At the end of the call, she asked if I remembered before we were separated when she used to send me TMs that she missed me. I said yes. Then she asked me if I missed her too when she sent those TMs. I said of course I did but I know I did a bad job expressing it. She said that there was a spot at work where she used to send those TMs and she was reminded of it the other night. I told her that I used to like getting them.

Second thing is that she mentioned in passing that she would just pick up the kids from my house tomorrow now because she has some errands to run. I thought to myself...Really? Errands? I thought you needed to get some rest. I told her that it made no difference, whatever was most convenient for her.

Anyway, having a great night with the kids. Looking forward to my morning with them tomorrow and then my trip out of town afterwards.