T - This is why there are vets and not vets on here. CaliGuy is right on with his assessments and said it much better than I ever could have...and I learned a couple things too.
A reach of affirmation>? Has she shown remorse for the A and made an attempt to work on the M>? No ... this is not her reaching out its her wanting you where she placed you as she attempts to cake eat.
Interesting assessment and nice to be told that perspective.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
T33 Until you hear the magic words "I will do anything it takes and I commit to this M" continue DBing as you are not piecing (Thats when you hit her with NC letters, full transparency and MC ... all non-negotiable)
Got it.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Look at it this way, she is still hung up on OM, wanted you as the back up ... do you want to be #2 all your life? Are you ok with an open M? What is to stop a OM2 from entering into the equation?
Being #2 is not acceptable.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
You have to think about things in your M and what happened. your faults .. hers ... once you both commit to the M then you can work on them, you not being available during the M is legit .. however being available while she is in the A or still hung up on OM ... not helping the M, its feeding her cake.
Hard not to do - must continue to focus.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
T33 I get you want to invite ... LOVINGLY DETACH ... does not mean pursue ... you are pursuing here. This is not showing any mystery ... in fact you are reacting to her "We are drifting apart" speech ... where was her "we are drifting apart" concern during the A?
Exactly. Of course she says we drifted apart so slowly she didn't even know it had happened until the feelings were gone. But we know what they say about believing what she says. It is difficult not to pursue - I appreciate the outside viewpoint to know when it is happening.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
I would DB it more before the invites. And the only invites I WOULD and did do ... "Hey S and I are going to the zoo Saturday if you'd like to tag along" ... by telling her she could tag along tells her in not so many terms .. this trip is for our son, but in no way is it about you and I, its not an Ahole move, its an invitation and I am going to the zoo regardless. Also ... that invite .. a week prior .. shows I am making plans with my life, not spur of the moment .. "Hey honey you just said you felt distance(Which was the point) so I will make it better and invite you now for tomorrow"
Very interesting approach.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
She is not going to miss you with you being TOO AVAILIBLE
Yep. So hard.
Me: early 30s Her: same M: 5+yrs T:10+yrs D (2): under 10s OM PA - Began Apr/15 A Discovered/ILYBINILWY: Start of May Removed ring: End of June
I am kinda new here as well and I am sorry your going thru this difficult sit. I am the lbs and it is very confusing knowing what is right or wrong to do. Keep working on yourself as you mentioned she noticed the changes. You cant change her or what she is doing focus that energy on yourself instead. Good luck to you,
A question for veterans or any one who knows for that matter.. I see alot of talk about waw threads and what not and I read that things can be different when its a wah . Is there much info online here that is geared towards the lbs of a wah? Thank you.
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
