The obvious concern is what ralphy said - what if this was a reach out for some affirmation? If she's struggling (which she is) and feels that i'm moving on or not trying, then what if this gives the opposite effect of what I want - a reason to give up and move on herself? How can I affirm that i'm still in it - while still DB-ing and pulling back? Or is that just the gamble...?
A reach of affirmation>? Has she shown remorse for the A and made an attempt to work on the M>? No ... this is not her reaching out its her wanting you where she placed you as she attempts to cake eat. T33 Until you hear the magic words "I will do anything it takes and I commit to this M" continue DBing as you are not piecing (Thats when you hit her with NC letters, full transparency and MC ... all non-negotiable)
Look at it this way, she is still hung up on OM, wanted you as the back up ... do you want to be #2 all your life? Are you ok with an open M? What is to stop a OM2 from entering into the equation?
You have to think about things in your M and what happened. your faults .. hers ... once you both commit to the M then you can work on them, you not being available during the M is legit .. however being available while she is in the A or still hung up on OM ... not helping the M, its feeding her cake.
Originally Posted By: t33
This weekend. Saturday. I'd like to offer her to go out for food or drinks just to hang out, no relationship talk. If she declines, I can easily still go out on my own. My DB coach said to remember to lovingly detach and that invitations are OK as long as I don't play into the expected response (i.e. if she says no, then I just don't go out and do anything) - so if she does say no, still go. This also could be an opportunity for an unexpected response (i.e. an invitation for something I know she'll say no to, just so she can see a reaction that she's not expecting). What is the feeling on invitations? I don't want to sabotage the DB work, but while I GAL occasionally, I don't think I should GAL every time - she still is a part of my life and the hope is that doesn't go away. Thoughts?
T33 I get you want to invite ... LOVINGLY DETACH ... does not mean pursue ... you are pursuing here. This is not showing any mystery ... in fact you are reacting to her "We are drifting apart" speech ... where was her "we are drifting apart" concern during the A?
I would DB it more before the invites. And the only invites I WOULD and did do ... "Hey S and I are going to the zoo Saturday if you'd like to tag along" ... by telling her she could tag along tells her in not so many terms .. this trip is for our son, but in no way is it about you and I, its not an Ahole move, its an invitation and I am going to the zoo regardless. Also ... that invite .. a week prior .. shows I am making plans with my life, not spur of the moment .. "Hey honey you just said you felt distance(Which was the point) so I will make it better and invite you now for tomorrow"
She is not going to miss you with you being TOO AVAILIBLE
