It's very tough to grasp. I'm right there with you. Part of changing YOU will be the realization though (it took me a few weeks) - that the M hasn't been good for a long time (for you, probably even before the wedding). YOU just thought it has been good. The cold, distant, and mean is an outward expression of emotions that have been building up inside of her for longer than a month or two. Start thinking about what YOU did to help get to where you are.
This part is tough...don't just list things like "I didn't listen to her", or "I was lazy". List REAL, tangible things...
I'll give you some of mine...
1. I spent money on crap I didn't need and then didn't use it anyway, even though my W has been trying to save money so we can get a bigger house"
2. She asked me to clean up my stuff in the garage for two years, and I never did it, which contributed to her anxiety about having a messy house and validated her feelings that I didn't care about her feelings.
3. I lost interest in everything that didn't involve her and my daughter - I depended on them for my happiness.
This is three of about 30 things that I have written down (so far). I'm not beating myself up. I'm not blaming myself for the downfall of our M...I'm changing who I am by recognizing my faults and mistakes, learning from them, and removing SOME of the blame from her. because when BD happened two and a half months ago, I said the exact same thing you did...everything was fine up until this. I never saw this coming. How could she do this to me.
Until I grasped this accountability aspect, and accepted my role, I didn't start getting better...the pain didn't start going away. Once I started doing this though, it's been easier to breathe, and the pain is at 10%...AND my W has been more civil to me, because I can keep a PMA for longer than 3 minutes.
