She not only doesn't care what's going on with me she won't even see/hear about my changes .
Don't worry about what she will/won't see. You aren't making these changes for her, you're making them for you.
D papers are just paper. They don't define you. There is a long time between the creation of those papers and the absolute end to your M. Obviously, it is leaning in that direction.
Ask yourself, do you truly want to save your M the way she is acting? Are you in love with the current form of your W, or are you holding on to the memories of what/who she USED to be and wanting that back? I can't imagine you want to be with the current W. Remember, it's two "different" people we are talking about.
If I told you right now, I had some magic pixie dust that would make your W walk through the door right now and tell you she's moving back in and staying married to you, but it wouldn't change her attitude, it wouldn't change the way she treats you, and wouldn't change her in any way shape or form - but she would be with you, would you take it? Think about that.
I'm still in love with what we were just a month ago even this current wife I don't know who she is , 7 years and she never acted like this --cold , distant, mean, etc.
I am improving myself , just hard to let go of what I had and trying to wrap my head around why she did this when everyone including her family and friends see our problems as normal in a marriage and easy to fix...
Me:35 W:30 7 years together 11 months married No children W Left me-moved to her moms: June 2015 W filed for D: July 2015
Caliguy balls definitely not on my court she doesn't want to see me only communicates/texts to say when she filed , when she picks up stuff from our place so I won't be home when she does and when she finally moves all her stuff out. There's no communication , or anything--haven't seen her in almost a month now . She not only doesn't care what's going on with me she won't even see/hear about my changes .
Aj ... I know you may feel that the your W has all the power right now, and granted I have been at this far longer than you have.
Here is the deal, you are reacting to her actions. You have given her that power over you ... she did not take this, you have released this on your own ... most likely out of fear .. fear of what your life is and will be without her in it ... you have given her this power.
When you decide to truly DB, you will rebuild yourself, you are not detached, I hav enot read all your sitch but if you have read the books, paid attention to the forums here .. GAL and PMA are the tools you need to use here to detach and worry about what you can control .. which just happens to be yourself.
Your W filed, her choice her action, you can either accept it and deal with this, or toss your hands up and quit ... the later will not serve you well as you are most likely not going to grow from this.
The comment you made:
Quote:
[ why she did this when everyone including her family and friends see our problems as normal in a marriage and easy to fix...
Her choice and you have no control over it, and most likely she did not see an 'easy' fix ... nor have the changes you made been noticed let alone trusted ... its about consistancy.
Personally, looking back on my sitch .. I will be honest. Like you at first I was a "Why/how could she do this" type ... looking at who I was now .... I would not wanna be married to me either, and you know what? I would NEVER had made the changes I did without the BD and the pain to follow. Now, I like me, I like my new life ... I am actively working on my M but if she decided today its not going to work , I would be disappointed but I know I also would be OK with it knowing I did everything I could possibly do to save my M, more importantly I became a much better and stronger man out of all this.
Like I said .. the ball is in YOUR court ... pick it up and go home..stay the same, or you can practice the free throws and become better.
It's very tough to grasp. I'm right there with you. Part of changing YOU will be the realization though (it took me a few weeks) - that the M hasn't been good for a long time (for you, probably even before the wedding). YOU just thought it has been good. The cold, distant, and mean is an outward expression of emotions that have been building up inside of her for longer than a month or two. Start thinking about what YOU did to help get to where you are.
This part is tough...don't just list things like "I didn't listen to her", or "I was lazy". List REAL, tangible things...
I'll give you some of mine...
1. I spent money on crap I didn't need and then didn't use it anyway, even though my W has been trying to save money so we can get a bigger house"
2. She asked me to clean up my stuff in the garage for two years, and I never did it, which contributed to her anxiety about having a messy house and validated her feelings that I didn't care about her feelings.
3. I lost interest in everything that didn't involve her and my daughter - I depended on them for my happiness.
This is three of about 30 things that I have written down (so far). I'm not beating myself up. I'm not blaming myself for the downfall of our M...I'm changing who I am by recognizing my faults and mistakes, learning from them, and removing SOME of the blame from her. because when BD happened two and a half months ago, I said the exact same thing you did...everything was fine up until this. I never saw this coming. How could she do this to me.
Until I grasped this accountability aspect, and accepted my role, I didn't start getting better...the pain didn't start going away. Once I started doing this though, it's been easier to breathe, and the pain is at 10%...AND my W has been more civil to me, because I can keep a PMA for longer than 3 minutes.
I was happily married to. More so, I love my W to death and have for about a decade.
Like Ralphy I was so happy that I had to be high every night to get to sleep (but that was about work), I had to drink from Wed night through Sunday (but that was about work), I was terrified that my W was going to leave me any day (but that's about my own abandonment issues), our sex life was often a mess (I was just scared of intimacy), but the last six months before she left were the marriage of both of our dreams (she "moved on" six months prior).
You see? There are parts of my M that I would kill for. And parts that I see in hindsight were clearly broken. That's why you have to walk away from it, work like a dog on yourself and your 50% of it, and hope that she does too. Then and only then do you have a chance of forming a new relationship at this point.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Right now, she doesn't see the changes because you haven't made any substantive changes or had any "aha" moments that she can see.
She also doesn't have the desire to "fix" you either, just as you can't fix her, she can't fix you.
She may start coming around when she realizes that you're taking care of yourself, and not expecting her to fix you...then she can focus on fixing herself...then and only then can you both start fixing your M. This is going to take awhile.
And there is the real possibility that this will not happen at all, or that it will be messed up somewhere in the process, or she will just be happier moving on...but in the end you will be a better person.
Sad day today , tried to remain strong but when she filed , I got sad , isolated myself today and just reflected . One step forward 5 steps back . She's done everything she said she'd do thus far. Don't think any of sandis points have worked at all for my situation. I understand it's about me and improving myself but I guess part of me had hope of something else. I have to try to continue to gal and move forward.
Last edited by Aj8; 07/11/1505:23 AM.
Me:35 W:30 7 years together 11 months married No children W Left me-moved to her moms: June 2015 W filed for D: July 2015
There's nothing wrong with staying in and reflecting, especially on days that are tough. No one but you has to know you stayed in. For all your W knows, you went out and had the time of your life.
This is the best time for self improvement. When you do stay in, read something positive. Make lists of things to improve on yourself, or clean the house, something positive for you. It will help with your PMA.
Sandi is a wealth of knowledge. Remember, everyone is different, and that while most things apply, some dont. The "believe none of what they say and half of what they do" is a guideline to follow which basically boils down to "at this point, don't trust them, and don't depend on them". Just because your W filed the divorce papers doesn't mean she's committed to the D. (Believe half of what they do.)
You're in the worst stage of this right now. Please trust me when I say it does get better.
You should focus on one thing...getting your mind to a place where you are going to be ok if this proceeds and you end up divorced. Remember, you don't want to be with this W. The old W is already gone.
I'm here for you buddy. I don't have all the answers, but I will listen and give you suggestions and support.
To add to what Ralphy said, even if you GET divorced, there's nothing to say you can't get married again. Honestly, as soon as BD happened, you were ALREADY divorced in your W's mind. The only thing that will change with the actual divorce is your tax status.
So, as we've said, all you can do is do things that you feel better about YOU. what have you always disliked about yourself? CHANGE IT. What have you always wanted to do? DO IT.
this current wife I don't know who she is , 7 years and she never acted like this --cold , distant, mean, etc.