I have found myself in the same situation as many

[ATPeace]

So been married for 17 years she was my first partner and I was hers

Been together for 25 years

She told me 3 years ago that she was very unhappy in our marriage
I would not do enough arround the house
Several times I put my work before her
I put myself and my needs before her and our 3 children

I spend a lot of time with my eldest son he plays tennis and I would do a lot of the tennis runs after finishe work and this would mean that I would not get home before 8pm
Sometimes After work would go straight into the office rather than going to see my wife and play some stupid online games she felt that I did not put h first

About 3'years ago we had a massive row I,cannot,quite even remember what it was perhaps it was I had not been doing enough or not listenng to her but when she went out to work that day she had made a decision that when she came home she was going to leave me ....I did not realise this but I know she had left the house very upset.....I spent the day printing out and cutting out hearts and I must have stuck over 200 to the walls of the downstairs when she walked in I am not sure of Her feelings but she did not tell me that she wanted to leave me and I had had no idea of this until she told me this about 1 week,ago.

I told her that I would change and try to do more arround the house and help more with the children, I thought I had been doing more but I guess over time I did a lot less than my share with her doing the vast majority of the work.

She agreed to work together and try to improve our marriage I tried to do more arround the house and with the kids and she knew that I felt our bedroom activities were lacking and we both worked at being closer and along came baby number 4

She felt that I was,still not doing enough and she would say to me your not doing enough and I would either say I would do more or we would argue and I would say things like not this again and I do not know what I can do I thought I was doing enough but it was a long way short

So fast forward over the next 2.5 years she has felt that I have not been doing enough and I have let her down
She does not believe a word I say and would often say actions speak louder than words

So resentment has been building for a very long time

I knew things were not great but I did not fully understand just how lonely she was and how upset she had become

I missed many a school play she felt that I did not put in enough effort with our children I would argue with her over small things but I though we were just a normal couple who had ups and downs

I lost my father last year and she was there for me but I did not get on with him and a lot of my insecurity and perhaps issues came from Him loosing him tho hard was a huge relief but for the past year after his death I was getting upset and short tempered shouting at the children and arguing with my wife.

My work got in the way and she would work some nights we spent less quality time together

She feels I took her for granted
I think she feels I am
Abusive
Perhaps controlling
I was rude to my children
I did not pull my weight arround the home,and with the children
Bad tempered
Jealous of her
grumpy
Selfish

We had a row 3 weeks ago and she tells me that was the straw that broke the camels back

She said she wanted to separate with me

3 weeks of me trying to reason with her I have begged I have written to her tried to justify everything but because of the past she does not believe what I say and she says we really are over.

All of the above makes me sound like the worst husband Posable and I am not Comftable writing what I put but I believe this is how she sees me but I am a genuine nice guy and love our children to bits we had lots of good times as well as the upset.

We have got 4 beautiful children together and we both love them so very much I needed to show my family more love and give them more time

We live in a lovley 5 bed house with everything going for it nice area, swimming pool nice cars nice neighbours and if we sell it we will not be afford 2 houses that could cater for the children

My wife works 2 or 3 nights a week looking after children so if we did go for separate houses I think we would both be so much worse off she would have to work longer she has alrewdy said that she does not want a messey divorce and that we can both do this amicably I can have the kids 3.5 days a week and she would have them the other 3.5 days

But it is the whole concept of splitting up the family, my wife loves her children and would do almost anything to keep the children together

I honestly do not think it was a crap as she makes it out to be but then it must be for her to go to this .

My wife and i are now in separate bedrooms she sees me as a friend we can talk laugh and get along very well but I keep trying to get her to reconsider and she is getting more and more upset with our conversations

She is adamant that we will not get back together as where she is right now I cannot hurt her anymore she is in control of what happens

I have made changes that I know will be perminent started doing more arround the house and with our children I have lost over a stone and a half weight ...not a bad thing I know the changes are permiinent but she does not believe me

So I do not think there is going to be much chance of saving this but I will do whatever I can to try to save this marriage as going forward I know things will be much better ....we can never go back to what we had I would not want to but I do believe I can be the husband she longs for and make her happy for the rest of our lives.

She has said that whilst we are getting along she is happy to coexist in the house for as long as we do but if things get too bad then she will leave.

There is defiantly not another guy I know this I fully believe her she does not go out has not been going out she has always been happy to stay at home with our kids ...I know our children are her only priority.mshe told me straight that she does not want or have time for another man she wants to put herself first

Do things for her not rely on me to be there for her ....not have to be there for me

I hope this answers why I have found myself here and hope there is possibly going to be an answer utter than separation and divorce

Gary