hold on! - 11

[u-turn]

JB - V - thank you. I'm not sure how to respond to all of this (but will - feeling a little out of sorts right now) but wanted to thank you both for sharing all of this. I also want to say that I again didn't mean to offend anyone (if I did). (I hope that you did not feel that I was accusing all women of being like my W).

I feel that in my case, the man cave option was not one that I picked as that would be consciously removing myself from my W and family; not something that I wanted to do. But - as you pointed out up there JB, career - that may have been my man cave. At the time - all the time I let the excuse fly *I am doing this for my W and kids - that is why I work so much*. That is not fair - I could have been so much more balanced - I am balanced now, but the damage had been done already.

and now I am preparing myself to do #3 and this is nothing that I ever wanted.

JB - you mentioned also how exhausting it must be to love someone that doesn't feel that love is deserved (or something like that). I also think the my W feels that about me, love, and happiness. She has commented on all of this - she has felt responsible for all of this with me - and was exhausted by this. She wanted me to go to counseling for this, but I was slow to do this.

But now that I am controlling these things about me and for me, she still does not want to jump on board - and now I am feeling, oh well, your loss. I feel like I have lost the need for her and maybe that was the love I used to feel. Maybe it wasn't love, maybe it was my need for her. That's scary to think that I misunderstood this.

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anyway - IC on wednesday (my weekly rant as I think about it). She again was a little shocked about the way things are unraveling. She is concerned too (thanks for your concern V). I guess I should be concerned about things getting worse and not being just isolated incidences. So I made efforts to protect ourselves.

boring honesty section: we have guns in our house - riffles and shotguns for sport. no handguns. (I used to have a handgun but got rid of it when I was feeling suicidal and just having this in the house made me think of it and how easy it would be to...). The sporting guns, I and my S17 & S21 have and use them for (hunting, target shooting, trap shooting) - we treat them like tools to do certain jobs - (no different than a hammer or screwdriver). Or sporting equipment - (no different than a frisbee or hockey skates). But anyway - I have removed all of the ammunition for these guns from our house for the time being. It is in a safe location.
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I have a real sore feeling over this - over and over and over, she proves herself to me -- so why is this so difficult for me to just pull the trigger and be done. I can hardly be in a room with her without feeling red-eyed anger. I just keep replaying the weekend over in my mind which reminds me of past incidences. (going to IC actually doesn't help with this as we talk about these things and I remember more and more).

time to mentally prep for another weekend