Ghost, No one ever believes there could be an OM. I asked my STBX this question a few days before I discovered the A. Of course, she denied it and I believed her.
I'm no expert but your W could be having a MLC. There is a different DB strategy if this is the case.
Can you update your signature to include some of the vitals from your sitch?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
First, let me say that I am sorry for the situation you are in.
I'm wondering what else there is to your story. Things were like this 3 years ago and the only difference is that your changes didn't stick? DBing needs to be a full time proposition and you can start by focusing on what you have control over.
It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be, especially since you are still in the same house. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
So been married for 17 years she was my first partner and I was hers
Been together for 25 years
She told me 3 years ago that she was very unhappy in our marriage I would not do enough arround the house Several times I put my work before her I put myself and my needs before her and our 3 children
I spend a lot of time with my eldest son he plays tennis and I would do a lot of the tennis runs after finishe work and this would mean that I would not get home before 8pm Sometimes After work would go straight into the office rather than going to see my wife and play some stupid online games she felt that I did not put h first
About 3'years ago we had a massive row I,cannot,quite even remember what it was perhaps it was I had not been doing enough or not listenng to her but when she went out to work that day she had made a decision that when she came home she was going to leave me ....I did not realise this but I know she had left the house very upset.....I spent the day printing out and cutting out hearts and I must have stuck over 200 to the walls of the downstairs when she walked in I am not sure of Her feelings but she did not tell me that she wanted to leave me and I had had no idea of this until she told me this about 1 week,ago.
I told her that I would change and try to do more arround the house and help more with the children, I thought I had been doing more but I guess over time I did a lot less than my share with her doing the vast majority of the work.
She agreed to work together and try to improve our marriage I tried to do more arround the house and with the kids and she knew that I felt our bedroom activities were lacking and we both worked at being closer and along came baby number 4
She felt that I was,still not doing enough and she would say to me your not doing enough and I would either say I would do more or we would argue and I would say things like not this again and I do not know what I can do I thought I was doing enough but it was a long way short
So fast forward over the next 2.5 years she has felt that I have not been doing enough and I have let her down She does not believe a word I say and would often say actions speak louder than words
So resentment has been building for a very long time
I knew things were not great but I did not fully understand just how lonely she was and how upset she had become
I missed many a school play she felt that I did not put in enough effort with our children I would argue with her over small things but I though we were just a normal couple who had ups and downs
I lost my father last year and she was there for me but I did not get on with him and a lot of my insecurity and perhaps issues came from Him loosing him tho hard was a huge relief but for the past year after his death I was getting upset and short tempered shouting at the children and arguing with my wife.
My work got in the way and she would work some nights we spent less quality time together
She feels I took her for granted I think she feels I am Abusive Perhaps controlling I was rude to my children I did not pull my weight arround the home,and with the children Bad tempered Jealous of her grumpy Selfish
We had a row 3 weeks ago and she tells me that was the straw that broke the camels back
She said she wanted to separate with me
3 weeks of me trying to reason with her I have begged I have written to her tried to justify everything but because of the past she does not believe what I say and she says we really are over.
All of the above makes me sound like the worst husband Posable and I am not Comftable writing what I put but I believe this is how she sees me but I am a genuine nice guy and love our children to bits we had lots of good times as well as the upset.
We have got 4 beautiful children together and we both love them so very much I needed to show my family more love and give them more time
We live in a lovley 5 bed house with everything going for it nice area, swimming pool nice cars nice neighbours and if we sell it we will not be afford 2 houses that could cater for the children
My wife works 2 or 3 nights a week looking after children so if we did go for separate houses I think we would both be so much worse off she would have to work longer she has alrewdy said that she does not want a messey divorce and that we can both do this amicably I can have the kids 3.5 days a week and she would have them the other 3.5 days
But it is the whole concept of splitting up the family, my wife loves her children and would do almost anything to keep the children together
I honestly do not think it was a crap as she makes it out to be but then it must be for her to go to this .
My wife and i are now in separate bedrooms she sees me as a friend we can talk laugh and get along very well but I keep trying to get her to reconsider and she is getting more and more upset with our conversations
She is adamant that we will not get back together as where she is right now I cannot hurt her anymore she is in control of what happens
I have made changes that I know will be perminent started doing more arround the house and with our children I have lost over a stone and a half weight ...not a bad thing I know the changes are permiinent but she does not believe me
So I do not think there is going to be much chance of saving this but I will do whatever I can to try to save this marriage as going forward I know things will be much better ....we can never go back to what we had I would not want to but I do believe I can be the husband she longs for and make her happy for the rest of our lives.
She has said that whilst we are getting along she is happy to coexist in the house for as long as we do but if things get too bad then she will leave.
There is defiantly not another guy I know this I fully believe her she does not go out has not been going out she has always been happy to stay at home with our kids ...I know our children are her only priority.mshe told me straight that she does not want or have time for another man she wants to put herself first
Do things for her not rely on me to be there for her ....not have to be there for me
I hope this answers why I have found myself here and hope there is possibly going to be an answer utter than separation and divorce
Gary
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
So yesterday I had my first telephone coaching session with chuck and it was great to hear that I have been doing a lot of the things that I should be doing
He talked about distancing from my wife but this is difficult very difficult
We are living in the same house and doing all of the mundane things and we are getting along very well but I do not know how things are going to move back t o us being together
It almost feels that she is happy living with me at the moment and as long as I am doing more arround the house and more with the kids then this is what she wants we watch television together and do things together but we have not been out together just the two of us
Do I keep things as they are knowing I want us to move to getting closer together or,do I keep distancing myself
It feels like We are in limbo and it scares me the longer we are apart the more unlikely I feel it is that we will get back together
She has told me that we will not get back together so I guess it is going to be a slow process and I am determined to keep doing all the tithings that she wanted and asked me to do whilst we were together
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
It is just so flippin hard knowing what to do I do not want to get this wrong
Today I was clearing out the shead so I can move the things from the garage to the shed and then move the home,officiants the garage to create another room,for me to use as a bedroom
My wife works nights and two or three nights a week she sleeps away ...defiantly not having an affair !!!!! But what this has lead to is that she has been sleeping inn the lounge on a put up bed
I do not think it is right she should be camping downstairs I want to make her life as easy as possible
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
It is just so flippin hard knowing what to do I do not want to get this wrong
Today I was clearing out the shead so I can move the things from the garage to the shed and then move the home,officiants the garage to create another room,for me to use as a bedroom
My wife works nights and two or three nights a week she sleeps away ...defiantly not having an affair !!!!! But what this has lead to is that she has been sleeping inn the lounge on a put up bed
I do not think it is right she should be camping downstairs I want to make her life as easy as possible
Why do you want to make her life EASIER? SHE wants to leave YOU, right?
Also, she's sleeping out of the house half the nights of a week and that leads you to believe there's no way she's having an affair?!?
