First of all – thank you to everyone who sent well wishes after the death of my father. It really did help and I appreciate it. I’m doing ok – not great – but functional. My parents had already done a lot of pre-planning, but there was still a lot to do for the funeral - my local sister and brother weren’t up to it, and my oldest sister lives in Virginia, so most of it fell to me – and I got through it. The day he died he drove his pickup over to my house, and Mom said I should just keep it. Sometimes I sit in there because it still smells like him.
Dad’s death has had an effect on my feelings towards STBX and my divorce. At first, as I noted on my previous thread, I was really enraged at STBX, for causing so much pain and upheaval during Dad’s last year. He also limited his condolences to a texted “I’m sorry” and a half-hearted offer to send flowers. No concern for me, no concern for his children and no acknowledgement of all the help my Dad gave our family (including him) over the years. Mostly crickets. I started to make excuses for him (He feels awkward, doesn’t know what to do, etc….) and then just stopped – I really don’t care. And now I look at the whole sordid situation, and frankly, STBX just feels unworthy of all the pain and all the headspace. Logically I know this is how my grief is manifesting itself, and of course the end of a marriage deserves a lot of reflection, but nonetheless…….
So…what to do…what to do….At the memorial service, I spoke, my oldest sister spoke, and my BIL read a heartfelt letter from my nephew, who is stationed in Afghanistan. We didn’t compare notes ahead of time – but it was funny how we all made the same observations about my father. He was an incredibly hard worker, but still took delight in his kids and spent so much time with them (I remember him leaving at 4:00am to go to work so that he could still get home at 5:00pm to have dinner with us). He was a very knowledgeable man, but never used that knowledge as a club to make others feel “less than”. And he was a quiet man whose actions always spoke volumes about how he put his family first. Those all seem like worthwhile things to aspire to - so I’m thinking I will start focusing on emulating those qualities. One of the few things I’ve focused on in the last week is a decision that I need to go back to school and get my Master’s so that I can better support my daughters. I hate formal schooling; my undergraduate years seemed like a very expensive exercise in proving to others that I already knew the things I was being measured on. I’m not looking forward to it, but in my field it’s really a necessity to move up, so I’m going to take a page from my Dad’s book and put my nose to the grindstone for a while. I’ve filled out all the forms and gotten approval for some tuition reimbursement from work. Onward.
D7 is spending 3 weeks in NY with her paternal grandparents. STBX escorted her (spent a couple nights and then came back) and at the end of the month I will take D3 to spend a week there and bring D7 home. So it’s a little quieter around the house for a while. Good time to make plans and finish up the D.
