Maybell XXXVI: Moving Day

[mahhhty]

Congrats on the selling. That is stressful, but hopefully over!

[RAI]

I know you are so overworked, but FYI: Bob723 left you a message on your old 5K training thread.

Congratulations on selling the house!!!

Best,

RAI

[SunnyB]

MB, so glad the house sold. How are things going?

[Maybell]

We've reached agreement but STBX's lawyer is dragging his feet on getting the redline to my lawyers and it threatens the purchase of my new house. I'm scared.

Spent a week with my parents and brothers. My brother told me my mom was really mad at me for not being sufficiently interested in their new community... Turns out they'd completely forgotten I had been there for a week last summer. Smoothed things over with everybody and it's all fine for now. Ish.

STBX never stops asking for favors. Access to my Amazon account so he can replenish his new Kindle because he lost his old one. Borrow my car for a trip to visit his family 600 miles away. Swap his nights with the kids. Then he books week-long trips out of town over a night when he knows I need him to help with them. He has to be asked for every little thing and hasn't even bothered to read documents related to the sale of the house carefully. He's less responsible than D12.

I can't wait to be done with him.

[Maybell]

My boss asked me to make her gynecologist and dentist appointments two days ago. I was very angry but did it. (I am not a personal assistant). She didn't like the day I chose for the gynecologist and asked me to change it. I said I wasn't comfortable doing those appointments and gave it back to her. I feel better about myself for having done that but also kind of gross. I shouldn't have been asked to do it in the first place. But at least I didn't roll over and take it again.

[Maybell]

That being said, I'll say this with a little more clarity. IMO, it would be a really great exercise to dig deep and look at your belief system through a microscope. List statements you think. Stuff like, "My mom should want a better relationship with me." Then take a look at your feelings and seek out the truth between those two things. I would highly suggest reading some Byron Katie books (start with the first one) before doing this. I truly believe that you continue to wear glasses that have an old Rx that prevent you from seeing clearly.

First off, Betsey, you've been through a lot lately and I hope things are starting to improve for you. I do think of you often.

Second:
Yesterday I spent almost the whole day on the couch reading a novel and eating popcorn while the boys played. (D12 has been at sleep away camp till today). At the end of the day I looked back on it and thought about what I had gained from all that rest. My hair is back to falling out in clumps again and I'm stress eating, which is only marginally better than stress-fasting. So I gave some thought to why I'm feeling so much anxiety, what I'm so afraid of.

Also I did smooth things over with my family last week while I was staying with them. My brothers are great. My sisters-in-law and my mom took me shopping and encouraged me to make a few wardrobe choices that reflect me as beautiful, strong, and creative, rather than frumpy and shrinking into the background. It felt funny but it was really interesting to hear them talk about how much I've shrunk through all this process, and how I need to find myself again.

I've committed to training for another half-marathon with one sister-in-law and an obstacle run with a friend. So I need to make time in my life for training for those things, which will make me feel 100% better and might help my hair stop falling out.

My mother called yesterday and I was telling her about a problem with the house I'm trying to buy. It could be a deal breaker but I am well-advised so I'm trying to trust the process. She started catastrophizing the whole thing and treating me like I'm too stupid to understand the problems that could arise. I listened to her with your words in mind, Betsey, realizing (especially after declining to make that gynecologist appointment) that I don't have to internalize everything I'm told. So I just listened to what she was saying. I got a little frustrated at how clear it is that she has no good opinion of my intelligence and knowledge, and then I decided, well, that's HER problem. It doesn't have to be mine. So I just tried to reassure her that I have the knowledge and the means to make appropriate decisions.

At the end of the conversation, she said, "Ok, good. You have a good head on your shoulders." The tone in which she said this was not one of faith, but one in which I had demonstrated that I'm not flighty. It was annoying. But I feel like it just shows that she doesn't know or respect me as I wish she did -- and there's nothing I can do about that. I don't have to own it.

I do feel like I have to hold her at arms-length a little more and that is disappointing. I do love her but I don't feel I can rely on her. I heard some of the advice she gave my brother in his custody trouble and it was TERRIBLE. I see more clearly now that his issues with self-trust and confidence are very, very similar to mine and that makes things a little clearer for me in how I treat myself now too. I wish I could help him but I'm afraid he also is going to have to learn the hard way. I just hope he does.

Twenty-eight more days of suspense and anxiety and then hopefully I'll be in my own home. I feel the need for solid ground beneath my feet. I have identified housing instability as a major stressor in my life and it is time for that to be resolved.

Best to you all, MB.

[Underdog]

Aww, Maybell... thanks!

Move over, 'cause I'm jumping in the pool!

I listened to her with your words in mind, Betsey, realizing (especially after declining to make that gynecologist appointment) that I don't have to internalize everything I'm told. So I just listened to what she was saying. I got a little frustrated at how clear it is that she has no good opinion of my intelligence and knowledge, and then I decided, well, that's HER problem. It doesn't have to be mine. So I just tried to reassure her that I have the knowledge and the means to make appropriate decisions.

^^^^
This is frickin' awesome! This is exactly what I mean by reevaluating the belief system. Just because someone says it does not make the statement true. GOOD FOR YOU!

At the end of the conversation, she said, "Ok, good. You have a good head on your shoulders."

Sweetie, this might be as far as your mom can go with your R. Try not to analyze anything behind the words - with her or anyone else. You've become adept at doing this with your H, so make this a practice for everyone? Like an exercise routine, tell yourself that you're going to take what people say at face value and let their words be their truth. Decide if you can handle it, and either go with it or reject it.

Great job!

I do feel like I have to hold her at arms-length a little more and that is disappointing. I do love her but I don't feel I can rely on her. I heard some of the advice she gave my brother in his custody trouble and it was TERRIBLE. I see more clearly now that his issues with self-trust and confidence are very, very similar to mine and that makes things a little clearer for me in how I treat myself now too. I wish I could help him but I'm afraid he also is going to have to learn the hard way. I just hope he does.

While I know you're disappointed with this, it's honest. Accept that this is the best she can do. Besides, someone smart told me a looong time ago, "Betsey, why do you take advice from someone who is way more messed up than you? Stop it!" Nobody ever had to tell me to remember that from that point on. I may be slow, but I'm not completely stupid. And neither are you.

Backing up...

My brothers are great. My sisters-in-law and my mom took me shopping and encouraged me to make a few wardrobe choices that reflect me as beautiful, strong, and creative, rather than frumpy and shrinking into the background. It felt funny but it was really interesting to hear them talk about how much I've shrunk through all this process, and how I need to find myself again.

What a gentle way to do a positive intervention. I hope you can see the love and kindness in this type of communication.

I've committed to training for another half-marathon with one sister-in-law and an obstacle run with a friend. So I need to make time in my life for training for those things, which will make me feel 100% better and might help my hair stop falling out.

This sounds like the perfect goal setting to get you through some tough minefields down the road. Perfect!

I'm a stress eater, so I can identify with you. Let's just say the loss and grief in my heart haven't helped with any type of weight loss, and our consistent rain has prevented me from doing what I enjoy doing during the summer - walk after dinner. It's been depressing. When I was home 2 weeks ago, my D21 and I took a walk to my BFF's house. In the rain. And it was raining hard, but we both wanted to walk.

I'm becoming really enamored with essential oils, and making environmentally friendly cleaning solutions, scrubs, etc. I've been delving through pinterest for certain uses (like using them to hijack my addiction to sugar), as well as prevent hair loss from coloring it. There are some essential oils, that when mixed with your own shampoos or making your own that help with it. I've been encouraged by some of the blogging feedback on the topic. Maybe take a few minutes to research?

On that topic, I'll post a public service announcement here (LOL, are you evicting me yet?). I have hard water, and I don't like ponying up money for fabric softener - even from the dollar store. So I made my own this weekend, and am jumping up and down at how well it worked and how cheap it is!

16 oz. white distilled vinegar
100 drops (1 tsp) lavender essential oil

Shake thoroughly before using (think oil and vinegar salad dressing) and use 1/4 cup in the fabric softener spot or in the rinse cycle if your washer doesn't have one. IT ROCKS! And no, you can't smell the vinegar. My towels came out really fresh and clean.

PSA over.

One last thing.

So I gave some thought to why I'm feeling so much anxiety, what I'm so afraid of.

If it makes you feel any better, a few years ago I realized I have an anxiety disorder. Maybe Labug (where the heck IS she lately?) saw our similarities when she asked me to post to you. It's why I guess I'm comfortable saying the tough stuff to you - because 1) you can take it, and 2) I know you're a deep thinker.

Anyway, give this topic some decent time and effort and connect the dots between how you feel, those internal dialogs you use (maybe even write down the insane things you say to yourself) and evaluate them as an experiment. It took me quite awhile to get to the bottom of it. And certain conditions pushed me into a spiral - like when I had virtually no business coming in and was living hand to mouth.

It really boiled down to a pretty primitive and untrue belief system I maintained - I was scared to death that I couldn't take care of myself and my girls. Then I started replacing those dialogs with more positive ones. Like the fact that even when money is tight, I find a way through it. I always do. So why did I allow myself to talk myself into anxiety attacks and sleepless nights? It took quite awhile to turn myself around. I resorted to lots of prayer (ok, maybe they were pleas of desperation at times), amping up my gratitude journal, and using some Angel cards to replace that kind of thinking to one of more abundance and quiet contemplation.

I also started work on release techniques and meditation - which is extremely tough for me because my mind has a tough time just letting go. But I kept at it, worked on my breathing and eventually, I got myself to a better place.

I still recommend Byron Katie. When I first read her, I thought she was on drugs or something. (You might say I used to be resistive to thinking differently back then.) But I started small and wound up coming away at the end of the book realizing I know jack. And I decided I would be more open to challenging myself on those limiting statements that always seemed to be surfacing.

From what I've heard, running is a natural activity for this type of thinking - you're increasing the endorphins and you're focusing on breathing. Try it?

Hugs, sweetness.

Betsey

p.s. I consider any improvement to consist of one thing: after my uncle in a holding pattern passes, I'd like the death train to head out of my village for awhile. Awhile? I would accept a year to grieve all these people. It's not asking for too much, is it?

[Maybell]

Betsey, thank you for all that. Essential oils are awesome! I need to use them more.

I've been feeling like I'm really not doing what I ought to be doing a LOT. This week has been horrible -- childcare issues out the wazoo. I've had the kids four weeks in a row without a break at all and it has made me a HORRIBLE parent. I've gained ten pounds since starting my job and I haven't cooked a proper meal since before we left for vacation. I'm really frustrated with myself.

On the job front, things are also BAD. My boss is NOT GOOD. I'm not going to go into all the gory details but yesterday she REAMED me over three things that were all entirely her doing/fault/dropped ball. Things on which either she and I had worked together and I had done them her way and then she didn't like it, or things that she was supposed to have done that she didn't, forgot about, and then blamed me HUGELY for. She practically foamed at the mouth over it and none of it was my fault AT ALL. (Backed up by my immediate supervisor). This is NOT acceptable to me and I'm starting to think up my exit strategy. One more bit of instability in my life for the time being.

I am grateful for this job because without it I wouldn't have understood so clearly my values, my abilities, or my worth. But I don't think a person should have to stand verbal abuse in her workplace along with low pay, dishonesty, inflexible work conditions (after having been promised flexibility), and a boss who doesn't take her responsibility to provide the benefits she offers seriously.

I am so fired up about all this. But I also feel the load so heavily. My family vacation wasn't really a vacation so much as a performance put on for the sake of my family. I'm SO TIRED and burnt out and I can't wait to get moved into my new house and just rest for a little bit. I hope that actually happens. Things must get better soon, right?????

[raliced]

MB- I'm glad to hear you are thinking about an exit strategy. There have been several times when you have described your boss that I have felt major red flags go up - but I didn't want to suggest this in the midst of so much other change. I've known and worked for people like her before, and the situation usually does not improve, even if you handle interaction flawlessly. As I recall- weren't you really hoping for some mentorship along the way? Right now - it sounds like that is only happening in reverse (a lot of examples about what not to do).

Get through the move to the new house and settle into the new school year and then make it a part time job to find new employment. I can tell you that once you make the decision that you will leave a bad situation- it can actually make it easier at work. Aside from any practical skills you have sharpened - you have probably learned loads in this job and that will be a big boost wherever you land next.

[raliced]

Sorry for the typos - the edit function doesn't seem to be working.