Lost & confused

[Clairee]

Today has been a hell of a day. H & I fought tonight. He has refused to say much of anything about OW2 or what happened. They emailed. I don't need to see it, telling me details doesn't do us any good. For whatever reason, tonight I couldn't accept those answers anymore. He finally got mad enough at me to answer questions. OW2 emailed him & started it. I asked why he participated. H said it was fun. H said he didn't believe I would change at all so he doesn't feel bad at all for what he did with her. H tells me he isn't afraid of divorce anymore & knows he'd be fine without me. It would be hard but that he deserves better & deserves to be happy. I asked when he started thinking this way or who had influenced this change. H says his new friend at work is going through a divorce & H saw how he was fine & surviving it. I didn't say anything. H says OW2 listened to him, showed genuine interest, made him feel good & was so supportive. OW2 told him she loved him & H said he loved her. H said he meant it that because she did all those things he really felt love. H said OW2 'told him' he needed to work on his marriage but if it didn't work, she'd be waiting for him when he got back to California. H said there were no plans but hypotheticals about their future. H tells me he still wants to be married to me, wants the marriage to work & is committed to doing his part of the work it will take. H says he's sorry he hurt me but he's not sorry for what he did. Listening to him tonight hurt so much. I hear over & over in my head him saying he loved her. He didn't use the word loves, he stayed in past tense. He has cut off communication. But as I sit here tonight, I replay his message to her & wonder if they had talked about this happening. When he left the message, he said 'my wife is with me & you're on speaker'. I didn't think much of it at the time, but now I am eaten up with thoughts that they talked about this. That if I found out, he'd have to call & tell her that. I am even more lost & confused than when I first came to these forums. I love my H. I want our marriage to work, to be healthy & happy. But I question whether that's realistic, will I ever trust him again, is he worth another chance & do I really want to be married to him anymore. I hate having all these questions & uncertainties. I hate feeling like this. Yes, he cut off communication, he deleted the email account, did all those things, but is he being sincere? Is he really committed? Is this all part of some plan they cooked up? Am I just being a fool or being played the fool? I hate all of this!