Help and support appreciated

[25yearsmlc]

I just am not sure how is best to proceed in the sitch i am in, as I don't see too many threads as complicated as mine

West, Sorry for the length of this.

But no, you are Not the most complex situation here and you are Not the first guy here who had an issue with porn or an affair, and then realized the error of his ways. Porn that threatens marriages, seems to be mainly a thing for men, but There are women who have had EAs

and in year 9 of my m, I came very close myself. (I posted about that elsewhere but to summarize:) it was during Desert Storm, and we were both active duty. My h was doing his internship. Suffice to say, I felt neglected by his unrelenting hours and horrible attitude.
--We had 2 small children; I was in the military b/c of h, and I was getting deployed. Along came a Kevin Costner look alike and I was sorely tempted.

But I chose to seek counseling from a chaplain (who was exactly who/what I needed) and after thinking it all thru, I changed some GAL activities to feed my personal need for stimulation and passion, in ways that did not threaten my marriage.
And with deployments, which were more stressful than words can describe well, the crisis evolved and among other things, our m improved. (Yes there is much more to say but hey, this is your thread).

Yes, I was absolutely neglected. No dispute. But I was not willing to pay the price I'd have to pay if I had an affair, b/c for ME, personally, an affair without love was not likely. As the chaplain pointed out, I'd either fall in love with an OM or think I had, and my m would end and I'd have to face the reality that I had not kept my vows AND see my h and children cry b/c of me. I could not handle that.

But the thing is, I think most people in the throes of an affair do Not stop and think it all through. Perhaps you did and then stopped it. But when your wife found out, it sounds as if you did not concede enough then and there and say "w, you are so right and I was so wrong BUT I REALIZED that on my own and I know it won't happen again".
So, how did you get to the point where you could really apologize and get her to hear you? I mean, do you think she really heard the sorry part, or just the defensiveness?

Anyhow If I sounded harsh it wasn't because I was judging the affair or prior behavior so much as my disagreeing with your present approach to your wife. At least as it relates to a tough love approach. As Sandi said, it's different when your wife is the wronged party. No, we are not saying she was perfect, but an affair cuts to the core.

Furthermore, the reason I mentioned the frequency of your sex life (IF I read that correctly) was that in many affairs in which the wayward spouse justifies it by saying there was "no attention", they usually are referring to a lack of sexual intimacy.

And a lot of women believe that if they are having frequent sex with their h, chances are good that it's meeting his needs. I thought you said that in your prior sex life,l prior to the bomb, that ML was quite frequent, and that you have twin 1 year olds. My gut reaction was "Geez, they're making love that often AND they have that many kids including twin ONE year olds? OMG she's amazing!"

So yes, I did question what I thought you said, regarding you not getting enough attention. What did you mean by that?

Because around here, a lot of men mean the frequency of sex.

And please don't gloss over her pregnancy and the physical effects, and emotional ones. Pregnancy is a big BIG deal (until our life time it was a leading cause of death for women under 50)

and she's not 20 anymore and these were twins, and then she went thru 2 labors and gave birth, twice in one day, and THEN she BEGAN to recover her body, probably nursed too, and then was trying to lose weight and stabilize her hormones, and it's damn hard on a woman. I'm sure you get my point.

If I discovered my h had an affair at that time, of all times, it would have hit me damn hard. I do not believe I could have accepted it.

As a veteran, I liken it to women who cheat on men who are in combat. It's just Not done. It's the behavior of a cad. (No offense, truly, but I want you to get how wildly harmful it was to do, then of all times).

And even though it's hard for the husband/fathers too, (and it IS!!), you need to concede that she feels the same pressures you feel - PLUS all the physical and hormonal/emotional ones you do not face.
She had/has needs too, as it's not all about nursing and rocking babies to sleep. She's still a woman with all the other facets to her.

So Please, West1, here's a Newsflash: she was dealing with it - b/c she knows the children do get older, less needy and THEN the parents can restore more of their intimate life and spend more sacred time together as a couple.

That's just how it is to be parents.

OK LECTURE OVER - I say all this^^ not to smack you down. I say it so you realize more about her fears and thus, hopefully, her perspective.

Next, You seem to believe that while your present wife SAYS she has forgiven you, she also still SAYS she wants a divorce.

And you want to know if it's time to give up. My answer is, "heck no."

IMO, she wants to trust you again, and that lack of trust (as opposed to not forgiving)

is what is really hard. Sure, forgiveness can be hard and it is indeed, but the FEAR that she will be hurt again, is probably the single biggest barrier to you two reconciling. So how can YOU help her with that?

That is the real question. How can she overcome the fear that you will do this again? And this being the 2nd time you have had an EA, is not helpful.

She has to see something very different from you, something deeply and profoundly changed in you, to begin to believe that you two might be on the same page.

I think that if she somehow KNEW or strongly believed

that you'd be the man she always wanted/hoped you were, she'd be willing to try again and maybe even renew her vows.

Maybe that ^ can be your goal. To ditch the present marriage and it's painful memories, (while keeping the good ones) so you two can then start fresh. I think the words "from this day forward" that are in so many marriage vows, are brilliant.


In 2006 I wrote to my 3 sisters that my marriage was over, and that we had

"maybe a 10% chance of making it."

Yes West1, there is hope and it's not merely theoretical. You have some things in your favor already.

She still loves you and that is clear to me. Don't mention it to her, but keep it in your heart.

More later...keep on keeping on.