How far would tough love go? Who said "tough love" was the approach that is needed here? This is a Divorce Busting site and it's NOT about tough love. What lesson do you think you should be teaching her?
Again I'd remind you that NOT all advice for newbies is applicable to all. The "37 Rules" which are guidelines anyhow, even state this.
If a wife left her h b/c he did not pay enough attention to her or was violent towards her, do you think that h should "Detach"??
I don't. I think he'd need to do a boatload of work to earn back her trust and fix HIS issues. Your wife in all likelihood WANTS to trust you but cannot yet.
IMO, when a woman with children walks away from her marriage,
there is no way she will return to that marriage - UNLESS
she believes the marriage can be better/different than before. So, how are YOU showing her that it can be better/different?
I am still paying for car insurance, phone, truck payment for her because of my kids. Soon going to have to pay child support, alimony and her lawyers fees as well.
So then, You'll have to pay MORE soon, not less. So how do you think cutting her off of the few expenses now, which she needs to transport the kids anyhow, will help you? Seems to me it would look as if you are punishing her for leaving you, to "teach her a lesson/show her the consequences of her choices"
Here is what my DB coach said to me, "it's NOT a spouses job to 'teach a lesson/show consequences', b/c LIFE does that, not our partner and co-parent."
Besides, she is acutely aware of the costs of all this, as she said.
So my question is, What is your goal?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
How can I successfully rid my compulsion to fix "things",when I am an Industrial equipment technician and analyzing,troubleshooting, fixing, and maintaining are part of my lifelong training and everyday career.
Make the "Fixing" about working on your own issues. Become the best WEST1 that you can become.
Have you sincerely apologized and asked her for forgiveness?
If you do, please do NOT then attach either an added comment to even the score (e.g. "but you have problems too b/c you're not perfect" or "forgive me OR you are wrong")
, b/c asking for forgiveness is a request you can make, not a demand. Realize too, that forgiveness is a PROCESS so even if she wants to forgive, she may not know how).
Just so I know, how was forgiveness modeled in your childhood? And your w's?
For me it was a learned skill b/c I did not see it growing up. My parents fought, escalated and then retreated, never truly resolving conflict. For me, the decision to forgive was really just a step in a many step process that took time and sometimes, it was a new choice to make on a daily basis.
If you want to fix something, or someone, know this fact: you are the only person YOU can "repair" or work on. Period.
When you really get this^^, deep down, it will free you to release the illusion of control over others, that you may have,
and will much more effectively direct your energy (at the only one you can change or fix, YOU).
Here's the "math" of it. Consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
What are the changes you are working on? How can she believe you will NOT use the "lack of attention" from her as an excuse to cheat again?
And btw, most wives who are ml on almost a daily basis (did I read that right?)
with twin 1 year olds, would understandably believe they are meeting their h's needs.
If she was on Fb that much perhaps she was not getting HER needs met by you. I mean, you may want to look at that as a possibility. Having empathy for her and not justifying the affair will get you a lot farther towards your stated goal of saving the m, I think.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I do get your point. Also we have talked about solutions. I admitted that it was a bad reaction and took responsibility for it. It already had her file for temp order against me, and this was before I even started reading the forum. Doing damage control now, mostly because she was so angry wouldn't even speak to me.
Me:35 W:37; S17 D15 D15 D1 D1 M:9 years T:11 BD 5/2/15 W moved out with her D15 our D1 D1 6/15/16 W filed for divorce 6/19/15 W moved back in 7/11/15
Well, forgiveness for me was modelled by my very Christian( Free methodist)upbringing, always forgive freely, without holding a grudge, but I seem to have been holding many grudges.
She was raised Catholic.
I have sincerely apologized and asked for her forgiveness before she had moved out. She said she had forgiven me, and I accepted that it wouldn't stop her hurting or change her mind.
The changes I have been working on have really changed my perception of expectation of sex and intimacy and desire, namely stopping porn completely, finding healthy outlets for my frustration, accepting that it is OK if she is uncomfortable with something instead of pressuring. I would rather not have sex and pressure her that way and have her love, and respect, affection and admiration. Thinking of my relationship and our marriage as my hobby that gives me great pleasure to figure out and make better, and not be disappointed and look for something else when I am. Taking her as preference over an easily achievable or readily available replacement.
Not sure what this means "and btw, most wives who are ml on almost a daily basis (did I read that right?)"
Me:35 W:37; S17 D15 D15 D1 D1 M:9 years T:11 BD 5/2/15 W moved out with her D15 our D1 D1 6/15/16 W filed for divorce 6/19/15 W moved back in 7/11/15
Welcome to the community. The majority of people here are left-behind spouses who are wanting to save their M. Although your W has left, you are the one here who is seeking guidance to save your M.
If I understand correctly, your W was reacting from learning about your EA, and through anger you told her to leave. In order to clarify, you are considered the wayward spouse in the M. Although she is talking D, you are the one who was unfaithful.
It is very rare to have a wayward husband seeking help on the board. Bear in mind that some things you read may not apply or will have to be adjusted in your particular case, b/c you are the offender.....and yet you are the one here. If you follow the same advice as you see left-behind spouses, it could speed up the D process. You may need to ask questions before you venture out too far. Okay?
May I ask if you have ended the contact with the OW? Have you made it clear to her that it is over and you are working to save your M, or did you cut communication? Have you been tempted to contact her, since your W left?
You can't use the tough love approach if you are the unfaithful one. You can't act as though everything is fine and nothing bothers you. She may have done her share of breaking down the MR, but you will quickly learn that most left-behind spouses believe nothing is as bad as betrayal. It's not easy being your shoes, but neither is it easy for her. She is the one who is in so much pain due to your behavior.
Do you get what I'm trying to say about your side of the fence.....and the majority in the community's side? B/c it does make a huge a difference in what you need to apply to your stitch.
You will be able to learn a lot, if you'll stick it out. You will get support and encouragement to continue working to save your M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I had ended contact 3 weeks before the reveal. Have not had contact or been tempted to contact since. I had made it clear that i was making a mistake and had cut all contact.
I had been working on myself to figure out why I had been doing it. Figuring out how to get emotionally close to my W again. Then it all blew up and I made so many mistakes.
Me:35 W:37; S17 D15 D15 D1 D1 M:9 years T:11 BD 5/2/15 W moved out with her D15 our D1 D1 6/15/16 W filed for divorce 6/19/15 W moved back in 7/11/15
Was it with the same woman as the previous EA? Anything about the two A's that were similar? Did your W react differently the other time she found out?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My ex wife was shown a chat profile that was linked to my phone automatically without my knowledge when you use it. My D15 from her found by doing a contact search.then ex sent to both me an W. With message about if you are going to cheat dont do with a public profile.
No. It was just random over the internet. Please
The previous time. She talked to the woman I was having kinky phone fantasy with and she told her we had only been talking two weeks, which was the truth. Said she never forgave me even though she gave us a second chance. Always brought it up when she would get angry about something I wasn't doing.
This time started it. Ended it and was proud of myself for being done because I realized it was not what I wanted, deleted account, but profile was linked to my phone number and had no idea as it only asked to enter an email which was false.I never should have done it.
Her reaction was totally different this time. Her actions remind me of what I have read in ww threads. Going out at 8, coming home at 5:30am. Having a guy over to our house while myself and kids were sleeping. Saying things in her sleep that were not being said to me. Dialing my phone in her pocket and hearing her talking to another man. Saying i ll just have Ann affair out in the open,why not me, why not now. When I have never had a PA. Only online. She came home to find her ex in bed with another woman and that ended her first marriage.
Last edited by West1; 07/10/1502:07 AM.
Me:35 W:37; S17 D15 D15 D1 D1 M:9 years T:11 BD 5/2/15 W moved out with her D15 our D1 D1 6/15/16 W filed for divorce 6/19/15 W moved back in 7/11/15
