FIDO - Changing The Rules - Pt 2

[NH115]

NH, I loved how you handled everything, and was also loving this new turn of events. Well done!

But then I got to this:

To make it even more strange, a couple of minutes later my W said that she was feeling the tension lift; that she was strangely relaxed. I wasn’t sure how to take that; I guess I hoped she’d be more upset. I can’t tell if she was relieved that I finally made a decision for her, or if some emotional dam was breaking. We had some of the best conversation we have had in a long time. She asked me if we could live with this relaxed state for a while. I'm not sure what she means by that.

My take on this is what she meant was "Oh good, NH's "expectations" pressure is off now; let's see if I can get him to go for 'limbo-on-steroids' here." Just keep repeating your "I just told her that I she started to feel that way to give me a call. If I’m in the right place in life at that time then we can talk. I’m open to R of course, but it’s got to be real. She has to decide she has room for me in her life." line. That was PERFECT.



You're entering a critical phase here. She's going to test you strongly now, I expect, to see if you are in "I'm really moving on" mode or if it's just some sort of tactic to get her back. This is where you need to watch closely for faux remorse, faux transparency, and trickle-truth. It's rare that a wayward will make a full, sincere remorseful stance when presented with what you just presented your wife. It's much more typical for them to first try to get you to go for something that's half-assed, and to try like hell to get their power equilibrium back.


Starsky

Starsky, I actually thought of you while we were having that conversation.

I'm of the mind that I need to move out ASAP. We both need to experience life without each other. She needs the dose of reality that living without me brings, and I need some perspective, without both of us caught up in constant tension and drama. During our Tuesday night talk I think I truly let go of my expectations. Trying to force an outcome is what I've been trying to do this whole time, no matter how much I may have thought I was detaching. When I let her go for real, I could bodily feel the tension lift. It was an amazing experience.

I still want to R, but I'm now of the mind that whatever happens with our marriage is what's supposed to happen.

Any pointers on what that testing might look like?