seperated 4 months, its now 9 months, oh and om

[t33]

I don't know what I am doing anymore. I prayed last night for the pain to end, even if it meant not waking up. I had two dreams, and I gather from them that I dont want to give up, on myself or my m.
I had a good conversation with my d last night about us communicating and she said I was the best.
What is next for me now, staying friends with ww or nc, I dont know. I have done things for the wrong reasons this whole time, my w probably feels some of that. I dont want to live in fear anymore. I want to live, I know that, but this is my darkest hour.

Hang in there help67. I really feel where you're coming from. I get so lost in what I'm doing. I need to constantly rebalance. As bad as everything is, I don't want to give up. I struggle because it feels like that's what I'm showing based on the DB techniques, but if it works, I'll go there.

This is our darkest hour and I'm struggling to accept that things will get worse, much worse, before they get better. I don't see a light yet. But it has to be there.

There was something real about being friends with my w these last few months, it wasnt all about doing it to win her back. I dont know if it was real for her, and now that I know about the om, I am more confused and the pain is unbearable.

This is so difficult. I'm in the same boat. sandi2 has pointed out that this is just a way for her to cake eat. Can't have it both ways, and they'll continue to use and abuse while we let them because they get it all while we suffer. sandi2 told me that she's not my friend right now. All I want is my friend and wife back. But if pretending to be friends is a suckers game - we have to make things real to get back to a good place.