Help and support appreciated

[West1]

I have not read that book. I will take a look at it Toots. I am being more assertive, setting boundaries for myself, and letting go. It isn't the most comfortable thing for me, so I know it is a good direction for me to go in.
Been working with a pastor friend of mine who emphasizes mind and spirit healing together. Incorporating 12 step recovery techniques into his marriage counseling and therapy. So far it is eye opening.

[West1]

Small sign of progress i think. Tm her about result of my D15 first summer school quiz. She was happy and attributed it to the lack of distraction that homeschooling would have offered her, then said but it is probably due to your involvement. I agreed with her about the distraction, and said my involvement only helps if i am not over bearing( which i can be, jumping in and doing too much). She agreed.
The first time i can remember discussing school issues about my daughter without it being an argument about what we should be doing.

[desp13]

hey west sorry that u're here but, detaching its the hardest thing to do, for some reason it always seems harder for us, but If u get to do it consistently U'll see the little reactions from ur W that are mention in the db, doesn't mean that she is ready to try things out again but that she is missing u, idk what to do with those reactions yet since Im only two months into this ride but fortunately we're in the right place where some one will give us a really good advice on how to proceed.

Wish u the best for u and ur family.!!

[West1]

Thank you so much for the encouragement desp.

There seems to be hope. I just recieved email from my lawyer over temp settlement. Called and offered one last time for her to come back home. She sounded very receptive, said she cant make decision herself. Told her i would move to basement to give her space as I was one who looked outside of marriage. She said she misses everything, but hates the last 2 months.

Said she thought i didnt think she loved me over crappy comment I made a week ago. Agreed that it was a mean thing to say, and made her feel undesirable.I told her we will proceed forward with divorce, and she can have her space, and work on figuring everything out in the meantime, not enter the temp order in and keep it as a template fore when we do divorce. Ended the call and asked her to call me back after I finish work as my break was over, if she was interested in talking about it more.

[Sotto]

Hi West 1, that sounds encouraging from your W. One thing for you to think about is the degree of devastation caused by two EAs within the M. I sensed from an earlier post that you were irritated by her going on about your previous EA, which suggests to me that it was never really dealt with by you both. And the same thing has happened again five years later - this was probably your W's worst fear.

One thing to bear in mind is how important emotional safety is to women within a M. One thing I have realised is it's not possible for me to feel safe within the M if my H is having inappropriate contact outside of the M. Now likely he was doing that because he had needs that weren't being met. Also, he didn't convey what those needs really were. He just let resentment build and then started a PA.

So, I think there are some big things to think about going forward. What needs weren't being met that led you to have inappropriate contact with a third party? How able are you to say what you need within your M? How can your W feel safe again within your R, given your recent actions? I recommend Shirley Glass - After the Affair - as a useful read for anyone affected by infidelity.

I'm pleased that things may be turning for you, but I also think you are going to have to dig quite deep here if you want to achieve a more sustainable R going forward.

Good luck to you :-)

[West1]

I would tend to agree with your points on this Toots.

The needs that were not being met were u realistic expectations from being sexually active at an early age and viewing porn and being an exhibitionist for 23 years. I would trade all the sex except for what caused my twins and children to be born for the love and affection and trust and admiration of my wife
There is a lot of self introspection that still needs to occur. One of which has been handled quite effectively, and that was my addiction to pornography. I have been clean for 11 weeks, without even a desire to look at or engage in those behaviors after realizing that it was affecting my work, and my life.

Being more mindful of my thoughts and feelings, being more assertive with how I feel and setting boundaries and respecting boundaries.

I know that there is much to prove, and much I need to change about myself.

I am experiencing and feeling my emotions and how I react to others,instead of stuffing those inside or cutting them out completely to not have to deal with them.

Learning and improving my communication skills, empathizing and validation.

Returning to a church that is led by an old pastor friend of mine, as well as talking regularly with my cousin who is a pastor. For 24 years was a big part of my life, and restoring my moral compass, as well as my faith, and forgiving myself after being asked to be forgiven by my God.

[desp13]

Well I hope it works for the best and remember to give her space, all the issues wont get fixed overnight. just make sure you stay positive and have faith on what U want to accomplish.!!

[West1]

Thank you desp, I know what my goals are. I am so encouraged by the small changes I've already implemented.

I have always been a pretty optimistic and upbeat and happy person.

Was asked what changed today, are you still getting divorced? I said yep, I finally think I have found acceptance... now to keeep the snowball rolling.

[Cadet]

There is a lot of self introspection that still needs to occur.

I think you are on the right track, for the issue that you seem to be working on.

Don't sweep the EA's under the rug, though, figure out what is going on with that issue so that you can keep moving forward in a positive direction.
You wouldn't be the first person to wash up here who had an EA which caused their spouse to run.

You also have children with someone else and is their anything that is unresolved from that relationship?

Sorry for the hard questions.
I hope you stick with us as I see your sitch as very fixable,
with lots of hard work.

[25yearsmlc]

I have already started to detach hopeful, only responding to things about pur 5 kids and not calling. Acting like i am over it, and moving on like everything is perfectly fine.currently see her every other day though because of my twins.

That is Not the approach I'd suggest for a man who deeply wounded his wife.

Not ALL advice for newbies applies to each situation. This is NOT some "MLC" on her end; it sure seems like a reaction of hers to an action of yours.

Plus, she specifically asked you for some solutions and if you ignore that request you'll do 2 things - you will likely

1) validate her perception of you NOT being a good partner or dad and;

2) force her to seek out a legal remedy from a lawyer who will force you to find solutions you may not exactly love.

Do you get my point?