Sorry. I am caught in that anger phase the past few days. No it would not get me any closer to my goal and would sabotage any chance I have at reconciling with her. I have told them that I am trying to save my marriage. It does say a lot about them that I am only a month out and they are trying to move in. You guys keep me straight! Just the thought of her with another man is driving me nuts. I just feel so betrayed and the trust is all but gone.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
There's nothing to be sorry about. I get the anger. I totally understand that somewhere inside there is the desire for "payback" for all the pain we are feeling now.
But that's not important now. Why continue the cycle? It's our choice whether to end the pain or let it keep building. That's why detachment is so critical. It allows us to interact with the WAS without the constant pain.
She has texted me for the past three mornings as soon as she has gotten up. This morning she sent me some phone capture of a classified post of a kitchen table and chairs, captioned "What do you think about this table for the kitchen? I contacted the woman, she said it was still available." I told her I would let her know. I want the kitchen table and chairs she took but she refuses to give them up, even after I offered her more then she paid for them.
I'm debating on whether this dinner on Thursday is a good idea. We have agreed to meet once a week. During this time, I want to meet at some of her favorite places. Something we haven't done for a long time. I don't want to have any physical contact with her during these meetings. I also don't want it to seem like I am trying to hard and just doing it for the sake of the relationship. The two times I made her jealous during our last meeting, I am expecting her to retaliate and bring up something that will make me jealous and angry.
Today, I am getting my house in order. Setting up all of the new things I bought for the house yesterday.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
Well it wasn't really fighting. Just a discussion and some playful back and forth. I let the table go after she said no a few times. Just thinking out loud. I do like the new table she sent and I will probably go pick it up.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
'm debating on whether this dinner on Thursday is a good idea. We have agreed to meet once a week. During this time, I want to meet at some of her favorite places. Something we haven't done for a long time. I don't want to have any physical contact with her during these meetings. I also don't want it to seem like I am trying to hard and just doing it for the sake of the relationship. The two times I made her jealous during our last meeting, I am expecting her to retaliate and bring up something that will make me jealous and angry.
Come on, guy. I know LBH b.s. when I hear it. You can call it whatever, but the truth is you want a date with her once a week. You think you can turn this around your way, instead of DB. And in order to get physical, all she'd have to do is look at you a certain way. You don't want to look as though you are trying too hard? Well, she's going to see right through you. Know why? You are too easy.
I hope you get serious, be honest and tell it like it is. Don't come here and use words such as "fight" and then say you were really just playing. Don't cover yourself by saying something and coming back to say you were in a angry phase. (Which we understand anger, but I'm just saying don't try to excuse yourself if a board member points it out). We have seen it all, and some of us probably couldn't be shocked easily. You don't have to sound a certain way with us, just as long as you are being real with us. Be real with yourself, first. That is how we help each other, okay?
Have you read any of the DB books yet? Have you read those links Cadet gave you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Technically, I never used the word "fight". I said I told her I wanted the table and offered more then it was worth but she refused. The interaction was honestly playful in nature.
Your absolutely right, I want to see her and I want to date her again. And if she initiated contact your right I couldn't say that I wouldn't reciprocate. I have read the links several times and I have finished Divorce Busting. I have Divorce Remedy left to read. I do appreciate all of your help and advice. I do need to get serious and get completely on board. I have been doing well with the limited contact. I only answer her when she texts me. I think I just want it all now and I'm not 100% serious about putting the required work in yet.
So, where do I go from here? When she comes over for dinner tomorrow, what do I say?
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
So, where do I go from here? When she comes over for dinner tomorrow, what do I say?
What did you tell her, exactly, was the purpose for the dinner? Is she having dinner with you in your home?
If your W is wayward, she will not respond to you pursuing her romantically. (Although, don't be surprised if she asks for a hug, b/c she wants to keep you dangling on the line. It is not the same as her desiring you as her H). I realize that it is your nature to pursue, but until you know if she's involved with another person, I suggest you step back. You can't successfully deal with a WW like you would do if you were dating. It is due to her mindset and waywardness. That is why you have to be 100% on board........if you want to save the M. Anytime you are faced with a wayward spouse, you have to approach in a different manner than you would if she wasn't wayward.
My suggestion is to not be so "easy" for her to pull you in. If she really is wayward, she needs to "work" to get you back. First, she has to believe she is losing you. It has to hit her that she has set you free.....and you will be an eligible bachelor. Even though you may not have any interest in being on the market again, she should think about it. Know what I mean? Many WW's are so self-centered about their own freedom, until they don't think through that the LBH will be free, too. You have already seen she still feels jealous, and frankly, that's a good sign. But don't misunderstand me, I am not telling you to intentionally make her jealous. I would not advise you to jump into dating anyone right now. But at the same time, you don't give her promises of always waiting. See the difference? It is when she realizes she is losing you, that shakes her up. If she doesn't care about losing you, then it will be much more difficult for her to turn back to the M. If I am not making myself clear, please tell me.
She will sense when you truly pull away. Even if she's just keeping tabs on your personal life, she'll ask questions. This is where you have to give vague answers, without lying. She will want to know where you are going, or who is going with you, etc. (and just like you are asking mutual friends about her, don't think she's not asking her share of questions, too). A WW can get downright nosy and ask questions as if she still has the right to do so! No, she left, remember. So, when she does ask something along those lines, you can just look at her and either chuckle and shake you head (as if in amazement) or you can something like, "Seiously?". Or, "Unbelieveable". But don't sound as if you want to start a fight or have a R talk. Just say it in a low, soft tone of voice. You can always just smile at her, say nothing, and walk away. She'll get the message that it is none of her business......and she put herself in this position.
Your position is not to present yourself as being a cold, angry, vindictive, jerk. She needs to feel attraction. So, in order to do so, she first needs to think you are losing interest in her. (I know this may not make sense to you, but it is how it works with a WW).
Think of yourself as though you are dealing with a little old lady who you aren't attracted to nor interested in developing a relationship. You know how you would treat a little old nosy lady, right? You wouldn't get chummy with the little old lady, or try to sneak in a touch here & there, ask her on a date, ask her about her personal life/plans, etc. You would be polite, and move on. Right? That's basically what you need to do with your W, at the moment. B/c the more she sees you being interested in her, the more she will pull away.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We agreed to do the once a week thing for the purpose of allowing each other to see our dogs. In our case, they are like our children. She mentioned next time she came back we could do dinner out somewhere. The first meeting was light and relaxed but she did not give up too much information. She didn't talk about separation, divorce, or the future.
As many have already mentioned, I wholeheartedly believe she plans to keep me dangling on the hook, in case her new situation does not work out. Her asking for me to allow physical contact...her trying to be cute and smiling when she left..."Byeeeeee". The jealousy has given me a sign that somewhere down inside she cares for me to some extent.
She called again last night. She played middleman for me to go pickup this kitchen tableset she found. I am going to pick it up today. One of the times she had gotten jealous in our first meeting, I had told her that her friend Sarah told me she could get me a discount on a mattress..then she proceeded to insult her and her husband for the next few minutes. She brought that up again last night on the phone out of nowhere. "Did Sarah help you get that mattress?" I grinned to myself when she said that. I told her that we would have to push the meeting to Friday. She was okay with that.
As I had mentioned earlier, I refurnished my house over the last 2 days. It has put me into a very happy state. You wouldn't even realize that she had lived here recently. My downstairs den looks like a bachelor pad. I got to sleep in a real bed for the first time in a month. If she didn't think I was moving on before this, she definitely will now when she sees our house. I have been doing yoga which has helped me with breathing and relaxation, as well as the added benefit of losing weight.
I plan to act like I am losing interest in her as you suggested. That will definitely draw her in if she is already showing jealousy.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
So here I sit, while the wife is upstairs taking a nap before we go out to dinner. She brought over an accordion file of all of my papers and papers for the house. She is kind of moody tonight, snapping at me for no reason. She did admit she is on her period and apologized. I really want to go upstairs but I am staying strong and avoiding it.
She was very inquisitive about all of my new furniture, television, bed, etc. Seemed kind of irritated by it all to be honest. It didn't take long before she was prying into my life and what had I been doing. I was very vague about it. Told her I was getting the house straight and hanging out with friends. Then she added in well I am going to such and such amusement park on Sunday. I didn't ask her any questions about what she had been doing. Something else that seemed to irritate her.
Anyways, wish me luck tonight. I will update you later.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
