Recovery from cancer and separation

[asitis]

Thanks again asitis. It certainly feels as if my life is starting over completely from scratch. There are many things I would like to do more of. Most of which I couldn't get the cooperation of my wife or maybe it was permission that I was waiting for. The few activities that I hung on to were very much masculine in nature (shooting, hunting fishing) and facilitate very little female interaction. Would like to be more involved with counseling cancer patients and the local symphony and theater. I do hate the thought and feeling of being alone. Your point is taken about working on myself and developing an ability to have healthy relationships. The hardest thing for me to figure out is why I struggle so much in a marriage when every other relationship I have is so easy. Perhaps it's the type of girl I fall for. Through my cancer I came to realize just how many people cared for and loved me. It became an overwhelming feeling to accept all of the phone calls, cards and letters from so many people. I know that I must work out whatever it is that leaves me shorthanded in a marital relationship.

You never know on the hunting and fishing...

The struggling with M is partly that we are sold a load of cr*p about romantic relationships and bring all sorts of expectations into the R that we don't into other Rs. Further there is a level of intimacy, mutual interdependence, and the vows that are missing from our other relationships. The fact that you can take a time out from a friend, and that it is about mutual pleasure without the day to day mundane work and the feeling of being bound to each other, that make the friendship a lot easier. It may be a lesson about how you want a future romantic relationship to be: more space for each of you, fewer habits that underline the obligation/vows (like asking where the other will be, what they are doing, having expectations that they will be a certain way or do a certain thing because it is expected of them) and more of the focus on the mutual pleasure of friendship. Anyway, something to explore with a therapist and learn from so that you can do it better in the future.

I know the feeling on being overwhelmed by the support. Sometimes you just want to not have to be so grateful and play a role of thanking people and saying over and over and over how you are doing and feeling. If that is what happened with you, think about why you felt the need to play that role. Why not ask for what you really needed, thanks, but it would really help me not to have to discuss over and over how I'm doing. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate everything, just that I'm really struggling with having to keep going over something that is very painful to me to live through. So, I'd rather hear what's going on in your life...

Good idea on counseling cancer patients. That will both give some positive meaning to your pain and struggle around cancer, and one of the secrets to happiness is helping others. And, you will meet lots of interesting people who will be open to making personal connections in ways only the vulnerable can. Getting that contact from lots of people is a good way to not load too much of that need onto one person, as we often do in our romantic relationships. You may find that is one of your answers to being "shorthanded in a marital relationship."

Sounds like you have some good ideas on the GAL front to get started on. Next step is to take the initiative to find the opportunities. On the cancer support, just contact the center where you received treatment. They will know about the groups doing support and opportunities (they likely will have some need themselves that may not be exactly what you were thinking but would be a good start and way to find something more along the lines of what you'd like to do). The symphony & theater should be easy too, as they will have someone who coordinates volunteers, unless they are totally disorganized. Figure out which one you want to start with, and then set a deadline for when you will make that first call.

Cheers.