Have you read the book, co-dependent no more? If not, why not check it out. Your world has become a small space that has work and family, and that's it. No personal friends, no activities just for you, no hobbies or special interest, no involvement and no GAL. This is why you are so dependent on your W. And, it has affected your self-esteem. Look at your posts and see how you put yourself down. You really do need to be on a mission to help yourself rise up and get stronger in your self-esteem and confidence. A lot of that come about when you get away from the W, kids, & home......and actually mingle with other people, doing things you enjoy or trying new things.
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We're still in best friend mode. Must be nice for her to go about her business and still have me. It's so hard for me to let go of my best friend. I wish I had a better pool of friends to draw from - it's just been so long since I've needed/wanted to do anything with anyone else
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Well sure it's nice for her! She has all the advantages of M while acting as if she's single. But let me hit you with a truth dart. She is not your best friend! Even if she's the only friend you had in the world, she is not your friend at the present time. When we treat our friends like a WW treats her H.........guess what? The friendship is over! B/c people are not going to be friends with a person who treats them that way. So, you should choose not to be in the friend mode, b/c she is not your BFF. She is simply using you and when she can't drain you of any more money or other advantages, she will be gone (if something better doesn't come along first).
The problem with your approach, is that you are trying to do what should have been done before she turned wayward. You stopped with the long work hours and have started spending that time at home (mainly to be around her). You want to be friends with her b/c you don't have a life outside of your W. Being just friends with you is fine with her. What do you see happening if you started coming in from work and then going out, looking really hot, and just saying, "I'm going out......see ya later". And when she starts with the questions (and she will), you just say, "I don't know", as you're closing the door.
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I suppose so. PMA and GAL make sense in dealing with this. Detaching yes, and I'm struggling with it. It's been so long since I've done anything for myself and not the W or family it is extremely hard - I guess that's the point. I keep re-reading sandi's post and try to implement them. Some I'm successful at, some I'm failing. Trying to figure out what other 180s I can apply.
Maybe you are stuck on the 180 thing. Maybe you are seeing it as more of improving yourself to please her, so that she won't leave you. Have you tried setting some small goals for yourself? Why not set a goal based on getting a higher level of confidence? Plan at least one thing for one night this weekend that will get you out of the house and away from your security blanket (wife & kids). Research on the Internet or go to the library and get information about meeting people and making new friends, having a healthy self-esteem, confidence, etc. Going to the library could be a good "mysterious" place to get you out, that your W knows nothing about. Just a thought.
Learn to tell her you are going out for a while and don't know how long you'll be. She will probably ask all kind of questions, but you don't give her details. Don't lie, but give vague answers. That causes some interest and curiosity , especially if she has been seeing you as predictable or boring.
Your daily life has been centered on your job and, now, your WW, until you may find it difficult to make a decision or do the simplest of activities for yourself, without first running it by her. I don't mean to sound insulting, it is a common habit that a lot of couples form b/c they see it being the considerate thing to do..... which is true, however, in a M where you have a WW, you learn to adjust a few of these type of habits. She needs to see a man who will make decisions for himself. Unless it directly involves her (or some huge decision, finances, property, the kids, and things of that nature) she needs to see her H making independent decisions without asking her. I am mainly referring to things you want to do for yourself. Example: If you want to go fishing Sat., you tell her you have plans Sat., so she will know you are not available to keep the kids. Make sense.......or does it only cause more confusion?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
