Thread for Prowl #2

[Starsky309]

Prowl, we've all heard those words. We've all known that we were now able to be the husband our Ws said they wanted. The more we tried, the further they ran. It seems totally illogical, until you look at it through the purser-distancer dynamic that is at play. Anything you do to pursue will cause her to distance. That includes trying to save your M at this point in time. Read that last one again: at this point in time. We've all had to learn the hard way that the best thing at such a time is a strategic withdrawal with all the dignity and calm we can muster.

We detach, let her go, put on our best face, and show her that we are strong enough to make a good life for ourselves and respect her wishes. This catches her off guard. At some point, she starts thinking and watching what you'll do next. Now you put your DBing plan into place. There is not guarantee, as a lot depends on things like MLC and how badly she is hurting and willing to run for seeming quick fixes rather than face up to her problems. But she is watching. You give her the space, GAL, work on you, fix your issues and be consistent in respecting the things you know are important changes that absolutely must take place that do not require her participation, and you wait patiently.

On those changes that don't require her participation, that means that you can't prove to her now that you will be more affectionate, demonstrative, emotionally open, etc. Those are changes you will have a chance to show her if & when she comes back to the table. DBing is an attempt to get her to come back to the table and really make an effort to build a new M with her. Then, you can do all those wonderful things in a prudent, slow, consistent manner so as to regain her trust and not drive her away.

Then you may not see her ride off into the sunset. See how that works. Hard as h*ll to do, but that is the way you help her with her pain and save the love.

In the meantime, get some help. Get into therapy. Consider the medical interventions I mentioned earlier. Turn to whatever support network you have. Focus on your life outside the marriage for the time being. Live apart if you need to and can't stand watching the spectacle. By all means, focus on your kids.

Live to fight another day. For you and your family.

Good luck.

Prowl, this ^^^^. Asitis is SO spot-on with this, and I know most of these thoughts also echo in many of the other posts you've gotten in recent days. With so many people telling you the same thing, you can be assured that these things are so!

As much as I know it pains you, your wife is re-writing your marital history right now and making EVERYTHING "crap." That doesn't mean that it's true. Yes, I'm sure you made some mistakes and you've owned up to many of them here and also to her, but you two also have some great -- AND VALID -- shared memories and marital history. Just because someone calls a horse a chicken, doesn't make it so.

Hang in there, it DOES get better. I PROMISE you. During my sitch 8 years ago there were times where I'd be in our powder room at 2am with my face buried in a bath towel, just SOBBING and crying out to God about my situation. I cried it out, and then I lived to fight another day. I took it one day at a time, praying for strength each morning. Reading one Psalm and one Proverb from the Bible each morning helped me tremendously, as did getting on a daily anti-anxiety/anti-depressant.

You know we're all here pulling for you.

Starsky

[EyeTie]

Prowl, this helped me get through it.

I knew I wasn't the greatest husband a woman could ask for. At times I was selfish and put myself or our kids before her own needs.

While going through cancer treatment, I spent a lot of time in a hospital bed, just me and my thoughts. So I took my laptop with me and started jotting down every instance that I could think of, everytime her needs were not met by me. I then started a new document on all the great stuff I had done for her, the surprise trips, flying her parents up on her birthday, the special dinners, etc... I started to see her point of view, because she just focused on the negative. I focused on the positive and did away with the negative. Whenever something popped into my head, I added it to which ever list it belonged to.

As I had mentioned earlier, I am 8 months into this game. Where I am now as to where I was 8 months ago are completely different. Those that stuck by me often laugh about how bad of shape I was in and how good it is to see me back to "normal". The trick is to GAL, believe me, the last thing I wanted to do was go out in public when I felt like such a schmuck, but I did. I took a few cooking classes, I took a dance class (I am only 36 now, I was the youngest guy at the ballroom dancing class by a good 30 years), I found new hobbies that I never dreamed I would be interested in doing and got my kids involved in them too. And I found a church that "fits" me, I attend a divorcee class once in a while (when I am feeling the need), I am going to be going on a mission trip in a few months as well. These are all things I NEVER would have done before and it's driving my STBX crazy. One of her final words before before she left was "You will never change and the changes you have made so far are too little too late". That was 8 months ago, these changes have made me happy. These changes have made me a better person.

I have gone on a few dates too. Met some incredible women over the last few months, all well aware of my situation and know that I am not ready for anything serious. But it's nice to have someone to go to a movie with or go see a play (I am getting into the theater too now, weird). Take time to heal, take time for yourself.

One of the girls I spend time with just got out of a 15 year long relationship as well. She is absolutely amazing and I find myself enjoying her company more and more as time goes on. She knows my entire situation, from the cancer to the cheating, etc. It was my birthday a few weeks ago and she gave me a pocket watch, with an inscription of "Time is a Gift". It took me a few minutes to realize how true that phrase is. Time is a gift, time with my kids, time with myself, time with my friends, time. Time is something we will NEVER get back and right now, you are wasting time on a situation outside of your control. Believe me, it does get better, the days get easier, the nights more peaceful. It just takes time. BUT in the MEANTIME (no pun intended) get out there and GAL! It's one of the best pieces of advice I was given here because it really helps.

[Prowl]

Well this mornings conversation went completely different than the last one we had.

She called to talk about the kids and what days I would be able to take them.We talked about the weird dream she just had. We talked about the crazy rain we had yesterday. We talked about her brothers wedding this weekend. We talked about her health problems and I told her I was sorry she was hurting and asked her if there was anything I could do to help her.

Then the conversation turned back to the house. Instead of wanting to sell it, we discussed making the back payments on it. She then asked where I planned on living once my lease was up next month and said that I should move somewhere closer to the house. Not that she wants me closer for her, but more so for the kids. I did break the rules and asked her if she saw any R by the holidays. She said the holidays were to hectic but maybe afterwards... Always "maybe"..

All and all it was a good conversation. It was upbeat and friendly.

[help67]

Prowl,

I want you to know that i am feeling just like you, hopeless about everything. My w left me 9 months ago, and i thought that these lase 3 months we were getting close again, 3 days ago she tells me about om, and i dont even know how long its been going on. Like you, I feel like I cant go on, and I want to thank you for being so open about your feelings as it is helping me to open up more.
As people have said we need to be kind to ourselves, and be there for our children, and have faith, it will get better.

[JellyB]

Morning Prowl,

Reading your last few posts it seems like some of the overwhelm and sadness has dissipated a little. That is good! So glad you have kept posting. You will find your feelings and life in general will be up and down and side ways at times. Go with it, as fighting against it is exhausting and takes away from what you need to feel on top of things, to feel at least a little more like yourself.

Seems like a fairly decent exchange with wife this morning for you. Do you think there is something you did differently this morning that contributed?

This may be a little intrusive, and feel free not to respond, but how are your kids managing?

You are in my thoughts Prowl.

JB XXX

[Prowl]

Morning Prowl,

Reading your last few posts it seems like some of the overwhelm and sadness has dissipated a little. That is good! So glad you have kept posting. You will find your feelings and life in general will be up and down and side ways at times. Go with it, as fighting against it is exhausting and takes away from what you need to feel on top of things, to feel at least a little more like yourself.

Seems like a fairly decent exchange with wife this morning for you. Do you think there is something you did differently this morning that contributed?

This may be a little intrusive, and feel free not to respond, but how are your kids managing?

You are in my thoughts Prowl.

JB XXX

No, nothing different but not speaking to each other for over 24 hours and letting her contact me...

But the goodwill didn't last long. I found our home online as a "pre-forclosure". I can't believe that my life has got to this point. I worked so hard for that home and now it's going to go into forclosure... I could have used some of the money from the sale of the house to put down for at least a condo.. It's so frustrating that she could have me legaly removed from my home. Live in it rent free for 8 months and then walk away and not even care... She litteraly is like "Oh well".

It comes down to being able to afford to pay back our debts in the CH13. That means paying our regular mortgage and then paying back the missed payments over a 3-5 year span. This would be impossible living in two different households. I've asked her if there is any way should would be willing to live under the same roof as me while we try and save the equity. She says "No, we don't get along". No matter how many times I say I wont talk to you, I wont ask you where your going, I wont even pretend like your there, the answer is always "I'm not living with you".

I know it's because she can't continue her A if I am around. I can't believe an A is more important than our home and family. I hope God thumps her good for this one!

I even asked if she would go live with her family while I lived in the house and made the payments and catch up payments. She wont have that. How can anyone be this immature and selfish? It's honestly like talking to a brick freaking wall...

[JellyB]

Hi Prowl..just checking to see how you are going. JBxxx

[Vanilla]

And me too

Hugs

V

[asitis]

No, nothing different but not speaking to each other for over 24 hours and letting her contact me...

But the goodwill didn't last long. I found our home online as a "pre-forclosure". I can't believe that my life has got to this point. I worked so hard for that home and now it's going to go into forclosure... I could have used some of the money from the sale of the house to put down for at least a condo.. It's so frustrating that she could have me legaly removed from my home. Live in it rent free for 8 months and then walk away and not even care... She litteraly is like "Oh well".

It comes down to being able to afford to pay back our debts in the CH13. That means paying our regular mortgage and then paying back the missed payments over a 3-5 year span. This would be impossible living in two different households. I've asked her if there is any way should would be willing to live under the same roof as me while we try and save the equity. She says "No, we don't get along". No matter how many times I say I wont talk to you, I wont ask you where your going, I wont even pretend like your there, the answer is always "I'm not living with you".

I know it's because she can't continue her A if I am around. I can't believe an A is more important than our home and family. I hope God thumps her good for this one!

I even asked if she would go live with her family while I lived in the house and made the payments and catch up payments. She wont have that. How can anyone be this immature and selfish? It's honestly like talking to a brick freaking wall...

I'm sorry about all this and how painful it is. I'm going to perhaps sound a bit insensitive, but I hope you can see that this is not my intention.

OK, the above is your situation right now. You want it to be different now or in the very near future, but there is no sign that it will be. Your W is going to be who she is for the time being, and your financial situation sounds like it is going to be what it is for the time being.

So, what are you going to do to stand up in the middle of all this wreckage and make your life count? How are you going to live the life you have, to regain your dignity and pride, to find a way to be happy even in the midst of all this? Forget your M right now. There is nothing you can do to change it at the moment. What do you want your life to look like 5-10 years down the road when this is all in the rear view mirror if you do the hard work to put it there? Your W may or may not be sitting in the car (or truck if that's your style), but you know that right now you can't count on her.

Who do you want to be? How do you want friends to describe you then when an acquaintance of theirs asks who you are? What are the things you've always wanted to do or try? What are the things you gave up because of work and family obligations that still interest you? Do you have a bucket list of things you want to have done during your life? If not start one. If you have or once you start one? What are you doing to check some of those off?

Finally, just because you may not be having suicidal thoughts at the moment doesn't mean you are out of the woods on that front. You really do need to seek some help for that, even if it is just accessing a workplace assistance program's services or finding a therapist. I understand $ might be tight, but there are service for those who have need but can't afford it right now. It is not a weakness to seek help (yes our culture, especially the way we raise boys/men, often portrays needing help as a weakness), but requires a deep inner strength to admit one's vulnerability and ask for help. Humans have not evolved to process emotions alone, we need other people to do this. Yes, we can do some of the work alone, but that isn't sufficient & not the way our brains are wired.

Hang in there. You are already showing great strength of character to take the steps you have, to open up and make yourself vulnerable here, and to continue to fight on. In the immediate future, remember you have kids who really need you right now. Kids who are confused, hurting, and struggling, whose mother is likely not all that emotionally available to them right now. It is the best healing you can do for yourself is to step up and be there for them. It really does make a lot of the pain go away to focus on those who depend on us and tend to their needs. Trust me on this one, I know from both experience and learning that this is a basic truth of the human condition. You will become closer to your kids than you ever imagined and wonder why in the world you didn't see this path and realize the blessing sitting right there under your nose sooner.

[Prowl]

Had a great 24 hours with S8 & S13.

When picking them up I spoke with the W for a few minutes. She always wears her sunglasses and refuses to take them off when talking to me. Also I went to touch her back when I opened the door for her and she FREAKED.. Came at me with a "Don't touch me!" I really don't understand all this? The person you spend half a life time being intimate with and now they don't even want you laying a finger on them... It's so discouraging.

Her youngest brothers wedding is Saturday. I watched this kid grow up from the time he was 3. My first date with my wife he ran down the stairs to give her a kiss goodbye. I'll never forget that. I was told "You're not invited" by the W when I asked if I could stop by and bring a present. This really is so difficult. I'll probably send a card and write a check for them. I was really upset earlier about this... Ugh!