On silence and patience

[Wonka]

NDY,

Your W has made her stance very clear to you: isn't interested in meditation at all. So it's best that you continue working with your L on this. Yeah, it s*cks that it is costing everyone more money this way.

I think you did fine with telling her to let L's handle the info. I would want to call your L and get the latest update from him/her.

Good news on the house front. That is a positive.

Again, zip it about meditation.

[NDY]

Hi Wonka

Thanks for stopping in again. What I mean by mediation is that it's basically the cheap mans version of the L process. But I'll take your advice and leave it be for now.

As for the house, lets's hope she accepts.

[Wonka]

As for the house, lets's hope she accepts.

Fingers crossed that this does go through for you.

[Upnorth]

Pulling for you!

[NDY]

Her last L letter said that she would so let's see if she's good to her word.

[asitis]

Hi Wonka

Thanks for stopping in again. What I mean by mediation is that it's basically the cheap mans version of the L process. But I'll take your advice and leave it be for now.

Mediation is similar here, with the wrinkle that it is intended also to help smooth the relationship going forward by limiting the contentious issues. Also, it probably makes reconciliation more likely, especially if you have a good mediator who has some training in couples therapy. That said, I think a lot of people shy away from it because it requires more personal involvement around something that is painful to them that they can't really justify and feel guilty about. They run to the seemingly easier (in the short-run narrow view approach) of going to the Ls. The other reason is that they are getting advice from someone who is stoking paranoia or greed. Either way, it says something about the unhealthy state your W is in.

She is not ready to face the sitch and deal with the painful mess of her decisions. The only decision then for you is whether you want to press ahead slow or fast, depending on whether you want or think her coming around in time is possible and desirable.

You are doing good to let go of that which you can't change and focus on the things you have some control over.

[Bob723]

Her last L letter said that she would so let's see if she's good to her word.

Hello NDY,

I just wanted to stop by and thank you for your post in my thread earlier today. It made my day! I also wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I have not forgotten about you!

Please keep a PMA, don’t give up and take things one day at a time. We all have your back.

Your friend,

Bob

[Huddy]

Morning NDY

Good that the bank will lend you the cash. That is one problem off the list and one less headache.

Once the L's are involved, it seems sensible to let them deal with things if you're not on speaking terms. I would put your point about mediation in an email rather than a verbal exchange. Big question is all the email activity a thawing in relations or just a way of validating her activity with OM?

There is nothing stopping you going to RS on your own. I went for a session on my own when W backed out. It was OK and made me look at things slightly differently.

[NDY]

Morning All. Thanks for stopping in

She is not ready to face the sitch and deal with the painful mess of her decisions. The only decision then for you is whether you want to press ahead slow or fast, depending on whether you want or think her coming around in time is possible and desirable.

Unfortunately asitis I really don't see her coming round, ever. As Sandi2 says about the rebellious streak in a WW, well my WW has always been both rebellious and headstrong even where her decisions are wrong. She just has no ability to turn around. So to her there is only one option and that is to destroy the marriage. Wither this is due to the A or that she just wants out is anyone's guess but that's the reality.

I just wanted to stop by and thank you for your post in my thread earlier today. It made my day! I also wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I have not forgotten about you!

Thanks Bob, that means a lot. It really does.

Big question is all the email activity a thawing in relations or just a way of validating her activity with OM?

No thawing. The email activity is actually rare. We only really communicate when it's about S9 and nothing else. She hasn't been in my company for quite some time now and I don't see that changing much.

[asitis]

I hear you, and I understand. But Sandi2 is also a powerful example of how a rebellious and headstrong WW can come around, and probably when her H was thinking exactly what you expressed. All you can do is keep standing up for what is right, doing the best you can, and you don't know where that will lead. Of course, you must steel yourself to the strong likelihood.

So, do you feel like your plan has not been working and that you have given your changes enough time to work? If so, what are you going to do differently? What changes are you going to make now? What do you think Sandi would tell you to change?

Why don't you lay out for us what DB steps you've been taking, and how long they've each been in play? Also, remind us of your baby steps to tell whether or not you're making progress, and how you are doing on those in light of those steps you made to achieve progress on them. Let's lay it back out and see what we can all come up with to change the script.

Cheers.