MLC SEPERATED AND NO CHANGE PART 3

[25yearsmlc]

Should I just let it die out I really want to ask what he sees for the future. Thoughts on this? Would it be too much pressure sometimes

I get sick of the kid gloves approach.

Hi skydive, I just got back from a trip so I missed a few weeks...and I'm not caught up but felt this was a good time to address something.


There are several reasons NOT to ask him about the relationship and where he thinks things are going. (Plus, dear, I do not think you have taken a "kid's glove" approach and I doubt he does either. You text him, you don't really sound relaxed around him, your GAL needs to increase a lot. From where I sit, you seem to be waiting for him to call or text, and you have expectations that sprout up at each interaction. Or, At least that's how I'm reading it).

As we've said before, there's no faster way to cool a relationship than by taking its temperature. So, please Stop taking the temperature of the R.


Moreover, this^^ would be about the WORST time to ask him, since you know he's already ticked off about the vacation. NEVER ask a WAS about the relationship when you are arguing or they are upset already. That's literally asking for trouble.

So, Why ask NOW?

Oh, b/c you are really just curious about OW and that's the real reason - yes?

But really think this out, (asking yourself"what is the goal of saying this??")

& you will realize that your goal will NOT be furthered by asking.

As for the OW, a few people around here urge LBSs to snoop and spy.

I'm not one of them.

I follow the DB philosophy and what MWD teaches (which is NOT to snoop and you can review her reasons for that if you like, b/c it's in the books)

and I do not see a reason to snoop. I see LOTS of reasons NOT to snoop and how it can backfire big time.

The only situation for snooping in my humble opinion, at least for me,

is when an affair would unquestionably end the marriage. Because then, and only then, would knowing of the affair make a difference to my course of action. Versus just causing me pain, but not changing my plans.


But let's say I know I have issues of my own to work on, regardless. I'd want to become the better choice. So I'd keep the focus on MY WORK and MYSELF and creating my own happiness and GAL, and I like to think I'd help save my marriage....

WHEREAS--
if I work to become my best AND I do that, and I'm at my best for real,

but EVEN THEN my h had an affair, then I'd leave the marriage

- b/c there's nothing for me to work on or do, to help us

and I could not live in an open marriage.

So yes, If I had no work of my own to do b/c I was already at my best as a partner, but for some reason I had suspicions, then and only then would I snoop to figure out if an affair was happening - and if so, I'd file. No turning back, boom, done.

But as long as I had work of my own to do, no, I would not snoop.

For ME, only if an affair was a total deal breaker, would I bother snooping and it wold only be a total deal breaker if I knew I was at my best as a wife.

I cannot tell you what to do or how to become your best self. Some men and women cannot tolerate an affair no matter how much they themselves know they'd failed their spouses. Some just say "no can do" and usually it stems from a childhood issue or perhaps they know they do not have it in themselves to forgive. And I am not passing judgement on them for that. In fact, I would urge you to file for divorce NOW if you know you won't ever get past this separation

and or, an affair. It'll eat at you and then you'll become a bitter angry woman and no one wins from that choice even if you do, somehow, remain legally married.

I CAN say that if you know down deep that an affair is not necessarily a deal breaker, then why snoop?

Why not work on you and only you, for now? Regardless of whether he's interested in OW or is actively in an affair with her, why not become the better choice?

If she's married too, chances are high that this will run its course and end anyhow.

Let's say that happens, just for the sake of discussion.

Let's say the affair ends for whatever reason and so, then, he reviews his options...

What do you want him to see, when he turns your way?

A bitter woman who has her arms crossed (literally & figuratively) b/c she is hurt and resentful, and b/c she does NOT Forgive,

OR

a woman he never should have left in the first place?