KGirl - letting the past go

[KGirl]

Thank you, all, for your kind words my friends and colleagues have sent me a lot of messages too, and it's nice to have so much support.

Well, it's official. We are D. The hearing itself only took about 10 minutes, pretty straightforward. The beforehand parts were annoying just having to interact w/ H, it didn't really help matters. Some of those gems include:

H: So how early did you get to the appointment at the lawyer's (he arrived at exactly 12:30, for a 12:30 appointment)
Me: About 12:20.
H: *starts laughing out loud* oh I thought for SURE you'd be there at like noon. You always have to be so early for everything.

ooook.... and then

H: There's a piece of hair hanging in your face... it needs to be cut. I wish I had a scissors so I can cut it. It's so annoying, you always have those!
Me: Well, lucky for you you'll never have to see it again *storms away while walking on a busy street and runs to the nearest Starbucks, crying*

H: Are you going back to work after this?
Me: No
H: Oh, well hopefully you're not doing what I'm doing.. I'm gonna go see Age of Ultron.
Me: Nope, I definitely will not be doing that.

WTF, because that's the first thing I would do after my D hearing? Go see a movie? OK.

I have today and tomorrow off so today I think I'm going to just mope. I got a couple things done (requested a new social security card, deposited my big old property settlement check!) and that was hard enough. The bank teller asked me how my day was so far and I starting tearing up. Then he said something fairly wise when I commented that the weather was crappy and rainy all day: "Well, it's good for that to happen, because it helps us appreciate the better days." True, true. I got myself some sushi, wine, and smoked salmon dip, so I'm just going to hunker down with that and some TV and just let the tears happen when they happen. Maybe pull out my wedding box and take a last look at some of those things, and then put it away. I'm not ready to throw that stuff away and don't know if I'll ever be able to, but it deserves another look before it gets put away indefinitely. Tomorrow, hopefully I can use my time to do some things - go to the DMV and request a new license, change some name things online, maybe go buy some plants for my patio.

I also took a week off at the end of March to maybe go to Vegas, pending I have all of the proper identification to buy a plane ticket..! We'll see. I'm co-hosting a bridal shower immediately when I'd get back and I'm hesitant to go in case there's things to prepare but the bride-to-be says she is low maintenance and I should totally go on the trip and all will be well. It probably will be fine, I don't have to cook anything, just plan the games and favors!

[claire7]

He sounds like an awkward child. (Criticizing your hair?! Come on.)

You are a rockstar and there is an amazing future ahead of you!!

[KGirl]

Hmm... where has the time gone? Not sure that this is the right place to post anymore, but restarting a thread elsewhere probably isn't helpful if I'm not going to post regularly

Things are practically wrapped up with the D. Still waiting to hear on the final mortgage refinancing stuff, but don't foresee that being an issue. Still a few things to go with the name change, which is going more smoothly than I expected. Yes, pretty much at every work event I go to someone asks if I got married. Someone actually asked if I got UNmarried. Or my poor college students who don't know any better will come in and say "You must have had a good semester - you got married, right?" Nope, sorry buddies. When I went back to work my coworkers threw me a "congratulations" party!! I wasn't feeling very congratulatory but hey, it's the thought that counts, and there were balloons, cake, and ice cream

Honestly, I'm so busy lately that there's very little time to think about XH and the D. My life is full but in a good way - I don't feel overwhelmed in a "I'm never going to get all this done so I'll sob in the corner" type of way, but rather a "wow, I've got so many things going on and so many people to be involved with!" type of way. So what's keeping me busy..
-still in the midst of planning two bridal showers. I refuse to play the D card on those and not let my friend and sister have their moment.
-I decided on MONDAY this week that I was going to Las Vegas NEXT week. Most spontaneous thing I've ever done (OK, so I had the week off for months in case I got my new driver's license and credit cards and all by then, but didn't actually decide until this week or book anything). Woohoo!

I've been on some dates! The first one ended up not panning out - I was interested but he was actually still in the process of D and said he was still really angry and had a lot of issues w/ his STBX watching his son regularly, selling his house, all of that. I think we all get that. Then I went on two dates with a different guy and after some hard thinking, realized it really wasn't clicking for me but I was hesistant to "end it" because someone actually LIKED me. And I felt like I couldn't do much better than that so I should take it. But then I realized that I can surely find someone that likes me AND I also like them, because of who they are, not just because they'll take me. So back to the drawing board on that, but there are lots of guys on OKC

I guess my summary is - for everyone that is in the middle of this process and doesn't see a way out, and feels terrible, and is super p*ssed at their STBX - there IS a way out. It WILL get better. Sometimes it just takes time. And having things be finalized so that there is some closure. And yes, not having kids makes it exponentially easier and I can't speak to that aspect of this, but I am quite sure you WILL feel better in time.

[SunnyB]

KGirl, I'm glad you've been on some dates. But don't you dare settle! Enjoy what's good about these not-so-right-for-you guys and learn from that. And get a feel for where they aren't meeting your needs. Learn to be comfortable with just KGirl, and appreciate how fabulous you really are, all by yourself. The guy for you is out there, don't rush.

[Mozza]

Thanks for the update, KGirl. I've been thinking about you lately because I also started the online dating thing, ahead of what most people around here would like (my D can't be earlier than October) but in earnest. The experience is mind-boggling for an old man like me unused to the ways of modern dating.

But what made me think of you is your comment about finding men who want to go on six or more dates before getting to bed. Yes, that is a lot. At the same time, even if guys didn't write the same answer, they could always adapt to your rhythm if they are really interested. And it will weed out those who want a shorter path to bed. My IC basically thinks none of these answers are set in stone. It's not impossible that you'll meet the perfect guy, fall head over heels for each other, and want to be in bed with him by date three. All of this to say: don't put too much wight into this answer, be flexible and, most importantly, meet people because that's the only real way to know if you enjoy each other.

And absolutely under no circumstances should you settle for someone you don't love. "Hell yeah!" what you should say for any love interest. This is the choice of a lifetime. Also, don't be a Nice Girl, and say yes just to be nice or kind. Or because you don't want to hurt anybody's feeling. Turning down people is one of the hardest thing I've to do on this online dating website, but I make a point of doing it and I feel great afterwards. My IC congratulated me on this, saying it was a clear sign of progress.

I really hope you'll keep updating us. You have a great future ahead of you.

[Maybell]

Exactly what SunnyB said, and HAVE FUN.

[KGirl]

Mozza, I am still feeling uncertain about this whole online/texting/etc. dating thing even for being "young".. the last time I dated texting didn't really exist yet... I feel like I have no idea what the expectations are and I get super antsy if I don't hear from someone within 24 hours (because let's face it, we're all glued to our phones, so they definitely got the message...)

Just checking in. Not sure if any of the same people are even here anymore, and not feeling as motivated to flip through 10 pages of posts to try and find out Been on more dates, it's been about 50/50 in terms of who doesn't initiate further contact, so at least I'm not feeling rejected 100% of the time! Still trying to figure out what I like. I realized pretty quickly some things that sounded good on paper were pretty boring in real life.

Had to see XH a few weeks ago to sign a check from his mortgage refinancing stuff.. he tried to tell me all about some family drama and I had to cut him off and say I had to go. I'm not his sounding board anymore, his decision. I hear he spends most of his time with his best guy friend and relives his glory days in high school by going back there and "coaching" wrestling (volunteering).

I'm realizing as I'm dating that I put a lot of my own interests or possible hobbies aside in pursuit of marriage/having a home/making a partner happy and keeping a household together, because when dates ask me what I like to do in my free time I still don't really have answers. Something I need to work on and figure out what I'm truly passionate about. I'm passionate about my work and some of the theories and ideas behind it (like the value of a liberal arts education, especially since that's under attack nowadays) but I don't necessarily want to do something with that outside of work. Time to go back to some of my codependency books, I think, and do a little more work on myself now that I'm not devoting anything to saving my M.

[Mozza]

Thank you for posting, KGirl. When I saw your name, I had a reaction of joy and anticipation to see what you were up to.

It seems to me like you're learning a lot about yourself at the moment. This insight about not having your own hobbies is very important. An important aspect of what we bring in a relationship is precisely our own interests, that enrich the life of our partners. It is attractive to be interested and passionate about something.

A few months ago, after a lot of GAL, I had an epiphany: I could do what I really wanted. So far, I had simply made sure I would remain busy, but at that point, I realized that I could dig into my dreams, desires, pleasures, etc. Instead of saying "It would be nice to see this friend", I would think "Wait a sec does that mean I can finally do X?" Do X could be to binge watch a series for the first time, to cook myself something really really good, to invite a friend to see a show, etc. It doesn't have to be very expensive or complicated, but it has to be something that fills you with enthusiasm. I like to think of it as guilty pleasures: when you hear that cheesy song and truly enjoy it, despite the social pressure to reject it, then you know it's real enjoyment.

So, what is it that would make you feel really enthusiastic to do? Most likely, it will be something that's been staring you in the face all along but that you didn't really see so far.

[gan]

Hey KGirl! I'm still around (sorta). Always great to see updates from an old friend!

So I recognised the same thing as you - few hobbies outside work. Although my work is pretty cool and I get to go places that a lot of people don't, I didn't use to have much to say when people asked what I do outside work. I recommend skipping the books and head out to some Meetup events. I joined a hiking group just to meet people...and now it's a full blown hobby with events planned and thoughts of travel in the future. Yoga...I joined that to manage the stress...and now it's a full blown hobby, looking for workshops and other ways to improve my practice.

And work on filling up your calendar. Like Mozza I used to feel like I was doing it just to be busy....but now I recognise the pleasure and joy that comes along with owning my time and filling it with things I like to do. Or not filling it...and just staying home and discovering new music or what not...that also feels awesome

[KGirl]

It's been awhile...! I still see a few names I recognize on here (SunnyB, Claire, Maybell) but lots of new names... which is both saddening that there are so many people being thrown constantly into this situation, but I'm also happy that people are coming here and getting some help.

It's funny to read my last few posts compared to my life now Just goes to show you how things can change if you give them some time. When I made that last post in early July, I had gone on a date with a guy that seemed promising, he asked about hanging out again, I didn't hear from him for a few days.. turns out he had a new phone plan and his texts weren't going through (he showed them to me on his phone so I know it wasn't just BS), we kept seeing each other, and now... he's my boyfriend! Whoa. That official conversation happened last week and it was very sweet how he asked me about it The physical part turned out not to be as nerve-wracking or scary as I'd thought it would be. He's a great guy, texts me throughout the day to check in, LOVES my cat and they're best buds now and we are very open in talking about how we feel, concerns we have, etc. He's not the opposite of my ex so I think I'm doing OK there in not purposefully seeking that out. He knows I've been M and hasn't had any concerns about that - when I told him and gave him the short version of the story, his reaction was basically "That sounds really hard... it sounds like you did all you could, though, and did the best you could with what was available." He is a bit more easy-going than I am but we've both worked at meeting each other in the middle. And... he's cute and super tall (I forget who on here was excited about the idea of tall guys.. Maybell?) 6' 4''! and I'm 5' 2''! It's been weird to get used to that (XH was 5' 8'') and I'm sure we look interesting in public but, doesn't matter - I've also worked really hard on caring less about what people might think, and caring about what I think and what's important to ME. There's a really good article on "wait but why" about taming the "mammoth" that cares what other people think. I read it regularly when I feel myself tensing up about that, I highly recommend it.

Keeping busy with lots of things - seeing someone actually takes more time than I thought. I got really used to being happy doing things by myself and not having to take someone else into consideration! Working on letting those walls down and letting someone back in. Sometimes I think it'd be easier just to be by myself and do what I want, but I think the effort will be worth the reward. I just got back from a work conference in Las Vegas this week - yay! Working on getting into better gym and eating habits, reading more for fun, Zentangle, some art/craft projects, working on better money management, and next week I'm starting a beginning yoga class. I finally got up the courage to try yoga - I figured a setting where no one knows what they're doing will be perfect for me!

As for XH...who knows. I rarely think about him and don't really care. I have no desire to check in or see what he's doing. Once in awhile someone will tell me something they saw on facebook or that they drove past the house and usually it just makes me laugh or shake my head. Haven't heard from him since mid-July when he sent me a picture of our cat he thought was cute (why? dunno..) and I just ignored it. He's not a part of my life and I think I've been doing a good job of letting him take up as little space in my head as possible.

All in all, when I look back at where I was a year ago, or even in December 2014, life is looking pretty great! The whole online dating thing (or dating in general) was not as terrifying once I actually met someone I clicked with. My life is very full with that, time with friends and family, social events, work activities and professional development, and other fun stuff. I'm excited to see what the next year brings.