We had a late MC session yesterday. I had posted before about the intense anger my W is dealing with, and in turn dumping on, me. The last few days have been hell, with her alternating between spew, self-pity, tears, screaming, and rhetoric so predictable that I can almost handle both sides of the argument myself. She was writing her anger letter to me, as directed by our C, and her anger just continued to bubble up. During one of these meltdowns she admitted she was still in love with OM.
Last night things had deteriorated into a screaming match which ended when I left to go for a drive. I had been gone for a few minutes when she called me to see when or if I was coming home. I pulled up to find her sitting on the porch. She got in the car and we drove to a secluded spot so we could talk privately (I like to call it our “makeout spot”).
By then we had both cooled down and we were talking calmly. I finally just laid it out. I told her that her actions basically told me that I didn’t matter. Even after all these months and all that work I was still running a distant second place to OM. That's not good enough for me; I needed a two-way relationship; someone who was willing to give back and it was obvious she wasn’t. If that was the case, that was OK, but it meant I needed to move on. I told her we needed to get our finances figured out and I was going to find a new place to live ASAP.
She took it calmly enough. This wasn’t an angry discussion; ironically enough we were holding hands at the time.
Then a very strange thing happened.
As the words came out I started to feel this intense relief. I was sad, but I felt strangely lighter. To make it even more strange, a couple of minutes later my W said that she was feeling the tension lift; that she was strangely relaxed. I wasn’t sure how to take that; I guess I hoped she’d be more upset. I can’t tell if she was relieved that I finally made a decision for her, or if some emotional dam was breaking. We had some of the best conversation we have had in a long time. She asked me if we could live with this relaxed state for a while. I'm not sure what she means by that.
She did ask me, “what if we make a mistake?” “What if we figure out afterwards that we really miss each other?” I just told her that I she started to feel that way to give me a call. If I’m in the right place in life at that time then we can talk. I’m open to R of course, but it’s got to be real. She has to decide she has room for me in her life.
I didn't tell her these things to test her or manipulate her. I've really reached my breaking point. This cannot go on. It crossed my mind that maybe this will be the jolt she needs to wake her up. Maybe so...I hope so, but that wasn't my motivation.
No specifics about moving yet; we haven’t gotten that far in our discussion. I’ll keep posting
Last edited by NH115; 07/09/1502:32 AM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
