Honestly I don't think the above would work for you Last... Having the "nesting" arrangement might be logical if you both decided things aren't working and decided to separate, figure things out, and put the kids first
IMHO ^^^^^ went out the window when she pursued the online thing and sexed it up with a random dude. She made a choice, you should really draw the line here... She leaves the MBR , at the least... If she chooses to leave the house that's again her choice, you should not move an inch as far as I'm concerned.... Any of that split house stuff is just her gaining some control, her logic as far as being a better parent.... Well... Sorry not buying that one either
Here's the thing about your stitch, Last, what are the consequences for her infidelity? By sharing a second place, you put yourself in the same uncomfortable boat as she'll have. What is the point, or what loss will she have by an additional housing you "both" share ?
There is no way she will stick to any agreement about not seeing anyone else, b/c this is an addiction that involves more than having an A with one guy. That is what you have to realize. She is not just having an A with one man. As far as you know, she has been physical with one, and no longer than she was there at the hotel, tells me it isn't much of a "love affair" but more of a sex hookup. She may never contact him again, but it doesn't matter to her b/c she has a string of others just waiting for the chance.
You would still be sharing finances with her if you get another place, right? So, what is she losing? She will still have all the privileges of her nice home and playing "as though everything is still normal". You can bet she will continue her cyber activity. Sharing another place, although alternating, does not seem to be a solution in for your particular stitch.
You do need to make a stand and give a boundary about not living in an open marriage....if that's a deal breaker for you.(And how much power would that be if you say, "However, I will share an alternate home?).
IMO, sharing a second place gets old very quickly. Also, you will have her in both places. Everywhere you look will be traces of her. You will start looking for any telltale signs of what she was doing the nights she was there. It's not a bad setup for her.
When I talk about her consequences, I am not telling you to set about punishing her. I am saying that a wayward wife will not turn back as long as her thrill is running the show. The only thing that gets her attention is something that interferes with her desired activity. In other words, you have to apply tough love when dealing with an addict. You don't supply their drug, and you don't enable their activity by supporting them. Yes, it's hard! You need to stay in the marital/family home, b/c you represent what was there before she chose to engage in adultery. You are the lighthouse. As a WW, she needs to see you and the children there in the home as she is having to find another place to stay. It needs to hit her that this is the results of her decisions. You are not punishing her as though she's a child, but you are making a statement loud and clear that says you will not tolerate being disrespected, and you will not support what she is doing. This is her mess to deal with .......not yours. She is the guilty party, not you. You will not enable her to continue in her destructive lifestyle. The sooner she has to deal with the results, the sooner she will turn back toward the M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Here's the thing about your stitch, Last, what are the consequences for her infidelity? By sharing a second place, you put yourself in the same uncomfortable boat as she'll have. What is the point, or what loss will she have by an additional housing you "both" share ?
There is no way she will stick to any agreement about not seeing anyone else, b/c this is an addiction that involves more than having an A with one guy. That is what you have to realize. She is not just having an A with one man. As far as you know, she has been physical with one, and no longer than she was there at the hotel, tells me it isn't much of a "love affair" but more of a sex hookup. She may never contact him again, but it doesn't matter to her b/c she has a string of others just waiting for the chance.
You would still be sharing finances with her if you get another place, right? So, what is she losing? She will still have all the privileges of her nice home and playing "as though everything is still normal". You can bet she will continue her cyber activity. Sharing another place, although alternating, does not seem to be a solution in for your particular stitch.
You do need to make a stand and give a boundary about not living in an open marriage....if that's a deal breaker for you.(And how much power would that be if you say, "However, I will share an alternate home?).
IMO, sharing a second place gets old very quickly. Also, you will have her in both places. Everywhere you look will be traces of her. You will start looking for any telltale signs of what she was doing the nights she was there. It's not a bad setup for her.
When I talk about her consequences, I am not telling you to set about punishing her. I am saying that a wayward wife will not turn back as long as her thrill is running the show. The only thing that gets her attention is something that interferes with her desired activity. In other words, you have to apply tough love when dealing with an addict. You don't supply their drug, and you don't enable their activity by supporting them. Yes, it's hard! You need to stay in the marital/family home, b/c you represent what was there before she chose to engage in adultery. You are the lighthouse. As a WW, she needs to see you and the children there in the home as she is having to find another place to stay. It needs to hit her that this is the results of her decisions. You are not punishing her as though she's a child, but you are making a statement loud and clear that says you will not tolerate being disrespected, and you will not support what she is doing. This is her mess to deal with .......not yours. She is the guilty party, not you. You will not enable her to continue in her destructive lifestyle. The sooner she has to deal with the results, the sooner she will turn back toward the M.
Yes she is against the second place. Mainly because she sees the opportunity for me to interfere with her privacy if it is a shared space. Or perhaps cramp her plans for continuing her cybersex/sex actions.
She is pushing a solution that is very cost-effective, simple, low impact (on her) and attractive except for 2 things: 1) it puts me in another residence and creates a new status quot living arrangement with her in the house. 2) It provides NO repercussions for her conduct. On the contrary, she gets to keep everything AND get rid of the pesky husband that catches her cheating.
Honestly if this were a normal separation where we were both committed to the marriage but seeking some space to find out if we can rekindle the love, I would consider her plan. But we are not. She has been lying for months. She cheated online, she lied and went on a date. She lied and had sex with a man in a hotel FIVE DAYS AGO. I cannot trust that she has my best interest at heart.
She spoke with an attorney that told her there was no truth to the concept that the person moving out of the marital home is at a disadvantage. That is either a bad lawyer or a lie. I have read MANY articles that warn FIRST- DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOME. I will heed that advice.
She is saying lots of nice things about a temporary situation and hoping the marriage works. I cannot put much stock in it. She has lied & cheated so much. I just have to do what I think is right. Even if it is harder and it costs more. I will do what is right for myself and my children.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
I just wanted to stop by and inform you that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have not forgotten about you! I haven’t been online too much lately and I’m trying to catch up on your situation.
Peace to you, my friend, and may each day be better than the previous. Hang in there!
Your friend,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I just wanted to stop by and inform you that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have not forgotten about you! I haven’t been online too much lately and I’m trying to catch up on your situation.
Peace to you, my friend, and may each day be better than the previous. Hang in there!
Your friend,
Bob
Thanks Bob. You too. That means a lot. This road is a lonely one isn't it?
I am saddened when I think back on our dead marriage. ALL THAT TIME. I wasted it! Now the time is up. There is no time. She's gone.
She chose to cheat. It's horrible, disgusting, it's a black mark on both our souls. But I chose to ignore my dying marriage for YEARS. And now that I am awake, she has no faith in us. It's so sad. I was such a fool.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Thanks Bob. You too. That means a lot. This road is a lonely one isn't it?
I am saddened when I think back on our dead marriage. ALL THAT TIME. I wasted it! Now the time is up. There is no time. She's gone.
She chose to cheat. It's horrible, disgusting, it's a black mark on both our souls. But I chose to ignore my dying marriage for YEARS. And now that I am awake, she has no faith in us. It's so sad. I was such a fool.
You're welcome, Last. Yes, it sure is a lonely road, I agree. You have a lot to grieve, I know. But I don't think you wasted time in your M. You have 2 wonderful daughters, correct? Sure, you could've done things differently...so could've I and every LBS on this board. Thinking that you were a "fool" it going to bring you down even more.
As you say, now you are awake. If W were to quit this "addiction" and considered R with you, would you consider it?
BTW, Sandi's comment hits the nail right on the head: "You need to stay in the marital/family home, b/c you represent what was there before she chose to engage in adultery."
Last, believer or not, I hope you find this bible verse comforting. I have posted it before and I know it really helps calm me down and see things in a different light.
“I cry to you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.’ Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me” (Psalm 142:5-6).
I'll dedicate a prayer to you after this post.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
we wiill move stuff into an apartment on 8/8. She still wants "space". Still talking to men on the Internet. She says she knows that to do so is incompatible with marriage and that if we reconcile it will end. For now she says it's her lifeline against loneliness.
She says that when she looks at me all she can think of is the years of neglect and loneliness, and the countless times I hurt her. She cannot bring herself to reopen her heart and chance getting hurt again. She says that she hopes time apart will let her miss the good things and be able to perceive change in our relationship and in me. She wants to see me get a life and be a whole person on my own.
I had a near breakdown and went to my therapist and medical doc on the same day. The pain is just too great. I was having a lot of issues at home and work. I'm better now.
I have to focus on GAL. Plus I think based on my crash that I may be codependent. Not sure on that yet. Doing the personal inventory to find out. Seeking to restablish my relationship with God. I've been away from him for a long long time. Not even sure where to begin.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
