Heather, I Don't think I've posted on your thread but I have been following your story for a while. You are a strong, passionate, courageous person. I am so impressed with all you have accomplished and overcome.
As I read your last few posts, I decided to jump in because the way you describe yourself, your mondset, and your drive for perfection /fear of failure/ need to start over and get it right this time strikes me as what Carol Dweck calls a "fixed mindset". People with this mindset tend to believe that their intelligence, or skill is fixed-- it is what it is. So if they always believe they were "smart", failing at something shatters that belief.
On the other hand, a "growth mindset" means that, with effort, we can get better at anything. That failure is a necessary step on the road to inprovement, and that there is no "perfect." Not only is it OK to mess up, it is necessary to grow.
I think you'd find her books interesting, and it might help you change some of your thought patterns about yourself and help you release some anxiety. If you check it out, let me know what you think! Best, Claire
