Jim0987 #14 - due for another upgrade soon

[Mozza]

Mozza,

Thanks for your input.I think i know what your getting at.me moving on and being ok suggests to her that i still don't get it and therefore haven't changed in the slightest. However, im not really sure what that means i should do differently as being positive and trying to move on is the best thing for me and the best thing for my kids.

your thoughts and suggestions would be very much appreciated.

I'm not sure what you should do either. I'm just thinking out loud with you here.

I don't think it's the fact that you're moving on that is potentially problematic with her. The opposite would suggest that you think the offenses were minor and can be forgiven. Moving on, quite the opposite, suggests that you see the extent of the damage and accept your fate.

The problem would be that you act as if you two could have a normal relationship, post-S. It's hard to assess through your posts, but it comes across as if you're trying to be "friendly", which is more than "cordial". You invite her, you chat about the weather, you ask about her day, her problems. This is not the behavior of someone who thinks "I've been awful to you". If you'd kill you neighbor's dog, would you go up to them and offer coffee and be chatty? It would be inappropriate, at least until they reach out to you.

My theory is based on the idea that your wife wants you to recognize the extent of the damage you caused her (in her mind at least) and that we only really speak convincingly through our actions. This is the argument that she wants to win. Once you've made that "emotional payment" to her, she'll relax. It's as in any argument: recognizing where we are wrong is often the first step to a resolution. I know you've done it with your words, but she needs to see it in your actions.

I'm not saying this will lead to R, but the feeling of having won this argument will likely give her a sense of safety around you. It's like people who were cheated on: they need the cheater to show real and extensive remorse. It gives them confidence that they share the pain they have caused and hence are less likely to do it again.

Again, this is just some water-cooler discussion and pop psychology, but I thought maybe it could help you understand your WW's behavior towards you and adjust accordingly.