Zelda - Goodbye my almost lover, my hopeless dream

[Zelda09]

For everyone who is here dealing with a MLC/affair, I can tell you what it looks like from the other side. I've been dealing with an unwanted, unreasonable and aggressive pursuit from an old 'friend' this past week. He is married. I have been very upset.
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Last Monday I stood my friend up after asking for his help. I did not mean to, and realized fifteen minutes into a lunch that I'd lost track of time. I called and texted apologies.

And then, a very strange response from one of the most balanced and rational men I thought I knew. "No expectations, Z, but if you cared for me anywhere near as much as I care for you, you would not disappoint me. Ever."

WHOA. Now entering crazy territory. Where I previously felt awful, alarm bells went off. I did not reply.

The next morning, I received an email. Acknowledging he 'over cares' but is fine with it, its the price of admission to our friendship and he was really upset. I responded again acknowledging how awful it was to have wasted his time, but telling him that I've never received such a text from a 'friend' and hope to never receive one again.

Cue a novel length love letter.

I am horrified at this point. This man was a friend to my H and I. His wife, all of us, have had dinners together.

I did not respond for a day.

When I did, I took my time and explained this is not 'friendship' by my definition, I have been naïve, and this is not healthy for me. My wish to create space at this time, though I do care for him. But I do not share his feelings, and would be heartbroken if I was his W.

At first, a positive response from him. Oh, ok, I get it, that makes sense.

Then I got more emails. Accusing me of emotional abuse, trauma, demanding more apologies. That the silent treatment was not acceptable.

So I called. We nearly shouted. His insistence that I own what I've done to him this week and his resulting "trauma" was not something I received with giraffe ears. I told him I felt harassed, uncomfortable, and didn't appreciate the guilting for emotions he's been nurturing and lying about. He couldn't respect someone who had no remorse over hurting a friend they supposedly cared about. He claims to have done nothing wrong, that his W has long accepted he loves me, he has hurt no one...though he did admit she was delighted to know what I've done to him.

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I am upset because this hits so many raw nerves.

A. How dare 'friend' think this is something to approach me with? I had a H that put all of his energy into imagining greener grass and taking me for granted. One who also loved to act like such a victim of my cold, brutal heart. F OFF, all of you!

B. I felt under attack. Manipulation, 2-3 emails a day for four days like a velociraptor searching for response under guilt, love-bombing, angry-parent type prose. 'That didn't work, let me try something else.' It felt unreal.

C. Yet another relationship that isn't anything what I thought it was. I feel like my reality is so slippery these days. Why do I bring out psycho in good men? I laughed when the porn star told me all the things he wanted to do to me before he moved away (the day my H told me he wanted to sleep with others). But this? I respected this man. What is happening?

D. I have lost this friendship. I can't imagine how this could be repaired or safe for anyone in the future. I'm sad. I want to apologize to his W for being naïve and tell her I understand the cold shoulder she greeted me with after 'they' invited me for a pool party a few weeks ago. I can't do that, I am sure she has gone through enough and I don't want to make this messier.

E. Wondering if my STBX had the same cold and final feelings for me, as I do for this man. I had a right to expectation of love in my M, though. I did nothing to nurture this man's drama.

But - I call my STBX unfeeling and abusive. I get called unfeeling and abusive. How the world turns.

F. One of the DR changes I wanted to make in my life was to avoid dumping feelings on my H. This is what it feels like to be on the receiving end of someone's emotional dump. (Now, granted, when my H told me I'd have to F other men if I wanted children, I was hysterical. And dumped all that on him with expectation he would address it and make it better.) But I am sure he did not deserve my intensely emotional reactions all the time. It feels like harassment, completely unfounded, for someone to say their emotional trauma is your fault. I know that I did this in degrees. I would hurt, and he would try to comfort me, and give up. He would anger me, with what at times felt like profound disrespect, though he was clueless how anything had been a big deal.

I know this doesn't excuse what he did to me in the end, or all the other abuses along the way, but it makes me sad. Regardless, even if I was perfect and danced upon all those eggshells, the outcome could not have been different with my H.

I am having a week where I miss him so deeply, all his good parts. And I have to keep telling myself that my father had his good parts too, but we are all better being removed from his violence.


It's been a really rough week. I hate everything.

[Zephyr]

wowsers. that is some crazy $hit right there. I mean...wow.

I hope that you look at this and see that you did not cause this to happen, Right? That is how I read your words...that this is not your doing.

you are strong enough to see this as manipulation right out of the gate, so I know that you have grown. that alone puts a smile on my face!

I hope you the best, I hope that you can take solice that this is a good sign that you can see unhealthy advances towards you and be able to see through BS on your way to healthy relationships in the future.

(((ZELDA)))

[Zelda09]

Thanks Zephyr,

Yeah. I was happy to understand when I first realized that through that text, a boundary was being pushed. And I made it clear.

In doing so, I was accused of 'making him feel like a creep,' putting out ultimatums, etc. etc.

I feel awful that this person is hurting so bad, but at the same time, I think I handled it as best I could out of respect to his wife, and myself.

[WhyUs]

So this is really weird to read. My wife that is having a long distance EA right now seems to be having the same issue with a neighbor. He texts her many times everyday. He has been doing it for a couple of years. He and his wife are good friends of ours. My wife and I even had a conversation one time where she said she though he had a little crush on her. We laughed about it because he really is not her type.

Well, when my wife began her affair and it was not exposed, she went to him and his wife to tell them how terrible of a husband that I was when no one was around. Soon he began encouraging her to divorce me. He did not even try to talk to me about it. Once the A was exposed he was still encouraging to divorce me.

She let me listen to them on the phone when she got drunk one night. He was telling her all the things I would try to do to get her back and that she has to ignore them. He told her she would be a great single mom. I confronted him once I heard this. He said I did not understand the context of their conversation just like I did not understand why my wife was having an affair. Yikes, I could not believe what I was hearing. When I asked my wife about it she said she did not know what to do. She said he smothers her and she can't set boundaries with him. "He constantly wants to help me. I don't want to hurt his feelings." She said if we get divorced she wants to move away from him because he would not leave her alone.

However, when we would get in arguments she would text him and say I was bullying her. --in other words she still reached out to him.

It's just so weird to read this.

[Zelda09]

Sorry, WhyUs.

I can tell you, my 'friend' has been there for me. He commended me for not taking anymore of my H's abuse...and sometimes would also say he felt sorry for my H, too. What a mess. He's been setting this stage for a long time. When my M first started falling apart, "well, Z, I can tell you that you are the most difficult friend I have, it's like shucking oysters trying to get you to open up." GROSS! Now I get it. I wasn't opening up all the way to his satisfaction.

Also over-involved in my life. I missed so many signs along the way, I feel like such a juvenile. He would make comments pointing out the nice things he had done for my H and I - I mean, now, I look at it like, who does that? What friend constantly needs to tell you how much they care for you and like you?

But - your W set you up to hear a phone call like this? For what reason? It sounds like she is creating a lot of drama. How embarrassing for him. And she wants a D and puts you through this for what purpose, so you can see how weird your neighbor is?

She can set boundaries with this guy if she wants to. By listening, it is accepting. The boundary I finally set was that I do not wish to receive any more communication in this direction, and all hell broke loose.

She can decline his offers for help and set distance. She can quit involving him and choose to reach out to someone else. Unless she just likes the attention?

I'm sorry, WhyUs. Really.

[Zelda09]

I'm amusing myself right now singing a little Johnny Cash, "it ain't me you're looking for!"

Imagining the long string of people starting with my STBX that get to turn to each other and say it. Him with his delusions that comfort and wholeness would come from someone else "we're not making each other, happy, Z. (It ain't me you're looking for!) As if happiness came from new love interests!

Me with my delusions that H and I would have a family and grow old together. I pushed that idea. Not him. He was hardly excited about M.

"I'm not the one you want, babe
I'll only let you down
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who'll promise never to part
Someone to close his eyes to you
Someone to close his heart
Someone to die for you and more.

But it ain't me, babe
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe."

His next target hopefully, turning to him, singing,

"You say you're lookin' for someone
To pick you up each time you fall
To gather flowers constantly
And to come each time you call
And will love you for your life
And nothin' more.

But it ain't me, babe
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe. "

Me turning to wannabe MLC,

"Go away from my window! Leave at your own chosen speed!"

[Vanilla]

Z

Creepy drawers pinpoint those they think are vulnerable. One such nasty worm went after a poster on this board on several occasions at her lowest point. This isn't a friendship lost but a space for a true friend gained.

Drivel in spades, try Breeze Block, and stop all contact with slithery things.

Yuk!

V

[Zelda09]

I would never in 1 million years have said this man was slithery! I have no doubt he has traumatized himself. And is a good man out of practice with his feelings. And I don't want to be launch pad for his MLC. I think his heart was originally in the right place. At the time of my Husband's accident, he was really there for us.

I will take responsibility in that I probably opened up too much, and shared too much with him, and should have kept a little more space. He was not a girlfriend. their lunches I should have declined. Lesson learned going forward.

[Zelda09]

STBX went back to his hometown for a while. I haveA premonition. He will stay there, and I will be granted an uncontested divorce when I file.

It was like he told me when he was thinking about coming home after we separated. "Z, if we get into some huge fight before we are ready to work on our marriage, that will be the end of us." (self-fulfilling prophecy or plan?) "I think maybe I should return to my hometown where I will have support." (I am going with completely premeditated plan. He knew what he was doing when he came home to 'work on our marriage').

The Weight of Lies - The Avett Brothers

Disappear from your home town
Go and find the people that you know
Show them all of your good parts
Leave town when the bad ones start to show
Go and wed a woman
A pretty girl that you never met
Make sure she knows you love her well
But don't make any other promises
The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town 'cause
Nothing happens here that doesn't happen there
So, when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from 'cause
Lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere

[Zelda09]

He talked to my mediator/attny today. "Idk why I'm getting D'd...that's between me and Z, but I'll sign if that's what she wants."
Another phone call within the hour that got relayed to me: "she can call me to arrange a time for me to get my things and the rings (that he didn't pay for.)

I declined to call or give him the jewelry.

Unbelievable.