Heather, One of the things that concerns me is that you go on ADs and then you take yourself off of them. You need to see a professional and get the proper meds and stay on them, and, if and when, you are better, the medical professional will determine what is the best course of action to weaning you off of them. Going on and going off of them is messing up your system.
Yes, in the past you've avoided doing things until an issue arises and you can't avoid it any longer. This really throws you because then you get anxious and go into over drive. I know it's a learned behavior and one that is difficult to change, but you can do it. Make a list of what you need to do at home, w/your child and you already have your list for work. Check off the items each night and you'll soon see that the lists will go down.
Perfection? No one is perfect and that's why God made erasers. The two people who lived in a perfect world messed up w/the apple and now we have to learn the hard way and through our mistakes. Learn to accept that you are not perfect, i.e., none of us. I do where you are coming from trying harder and harder, but you'll just make more mistakes doing this on the hamster wheel trying to catch perfection.
You can have a different life's story, but you have to "learn" new behaviors in order to get there. Many of the "learned" behaviors of your past still feel comfortable to you and you fall back on them. It's time to change one learned behavior from your past at a time. You have to find a way to feel confident and strong and know that the world will not break in two if you make a mistake. Accept the mistake, learn to laugh at your mistakes and move on. The hardest part is learning that the world is not perfect.
What Wonka posted is excellent. Print it off and refer back to it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
