Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

I have been angry the last couple of days. I seem to get angry when it is the "first" of something as being divorced. This last Sunday was my youngest's birthday and I was not able to see him or be with him. This was very difficult to deal with and I kind of put it out of my mind. Yesterday I had a quick text exchange with the XW and it just made it all seem real again. I was mad last night at the whole D situation.

Now days it seems my emotions have been so beat down that it takes a couple days for them to hit me. I felt like crying last night but couldn't do it. I wanted to but I just couldn't get the emotions to come out.

Life has been going well for me. I am getting my new house further in order and my kids are happy and healthy.

I feel like I am missing love/woman in my life. I keep comparing how I am doing now with last year and last year at this time I was full of hope and excitement as the XW and I were working on the M (or so I thought).

Now I find myself missing the interaction with someone that cares for you and I also care about. I don't feel lonely, but I miss that connection. I also miss the physical intimacy. I don't know if this means that I haven't healed enough and I am dependent on a loving relationship or not.

My anger also comes with regret and wishing that the XW would come back around with whatever she is going through and decide to fix what was broken between us. I think I would take her back, with the correct attitude and work. I wish I didn't have these thoughts, I don't like thinking about her. It just reminds me of what I thought we could be and when we were good. Makes me angry and sad.

Back to working on me and my personal growth. I am having a down time right now that I need to get through. I know I can make it through it, just takes time.