The road you have been on is a rough one, you have gone this far, and done so well, let me tell you .... this path is the tricky road filled with rocks, not ones that will completely upset the applecart .. but the will turn your ankle.
I was happy that you spotted your goals are not really your goals .. they are hopes that rely on your W's actions ... and you have learned one can only control ourselves and our reactions to things ... so you might want to revisit those goals with a mirror in mind.
I did catch in your post about having the NC letter a part of the Retrouvaille ... its not going to happen there, in fact what will happen if your W agrees, you will register, send in the app fee, then they will call you for a brief interview, and then call her for the same, in the interview they require no 3rd party to be involved and also ask you to commit to all the post sessions, 3 months worth every other week. Just wanted you to have that info so you are aware.
I think you still need to DB this out a bit, your W needs to get to a point she will do anything to work on the marriage ... then and only then are you in a position to lay down some boundaries. I found ... in my case. I worked so hard to just save the M, to try to get W to come back to the M, but you really have to look at what was lacking in the old M, and address those otherwise, as I have seen here ... people return for DB 201. Along with as you quoted ... it opens up a whole box of hurt we filed away as we DBd our tails off.
My advice, continue doing what you are doing, remain detached PMA 180, even now. She sounds like she is really leaning on making a return .... however you have to be kind and firm. Approach it as you are looking out for the M and family, you want to assure you both do not make the same mistakes again rather than a "Hey you .. cheater, yeah you .. you need to do this, this and this .. then maybe we can try to make this work" This takes the finger blame game off which she will be sensitive to.
