During our heart to heart .. she brought this section up (I just mentioned the toe thing and how it was 'ours' and I found it endearing), I shared with her that in the past 2 years ... when she did that it was one of the things that stopped me from dropping it all, I felt that she was trying to tell me something even though she was lost, she smiled and told me "Yeah it was excactly like that, I remember doing those things wanting to tell you so many things but not able to look at you ashamed of what I've done, and in a way that was me telling you I Loved you"
Crazy as it seems how close we get to just saying 'I am done'. what causes the WAS to do these little endearing things even though it feels like they are miles away. It could be they are just trying to keep us hooked. it could be they are trying to hold onto us, even though they want nothing to do with us. I would imagine that they have to know how close WE are to leaving. I would love to ask my wife this one day to see if those couple of things she does (and I view them as a gesture of love - even though nothing else seems that way) are in fact a sign or just me seeing what I want to see. IDK.
I realize that I still need hope to keep me going through with this process. Hope that this is not a huge endeavor of futility and that all these efforts are not just 'postponing the inevitable'. Hope that there is a future together.
I want to believe that this hope is not me still holding onto a dream and I am not a naïve little boy who still wants to hold onto something that truly will never return. Those days when I see there is little hope are very hard. Just yesterday I was thinking for the very first time in my marriage that maybe it is time for me to just be done with this. There are lots of signs of improvement, but lots of signs that her position of one foot out the door is getting closer to the reality of the second foot following.
Thank you for sharing Cali...this little anecdote was very much needed for me today.
