Rebuilding my castle...foundation is halfway...

[LoisB]

Ok. I'm done with this anxiety. I'm so done with this anxiety.

I put the paper out yesterday. Number 35. It wasn't the best issue, but it wasn't the worst.

The company has given me these new office hours in an effort to help me with the burden... I don't have to be in the office until 11 a.m. through 1 p.m.

Still, I wake up this morning with dread and anxiety. Overwhelming anxiety. Not enough to push me into a full blown panic, but enough to slow me down and paralyze me. I dread reading my emails, I dread the phone, I dread the list of tasks to put together the next issue. In part, I had two community members tell me they are disappointed in parts of the paper. Not all of the paper, but the sports page and something else? I can't remember. And, I didn't work as hard last week, so I feel some shame or something? IDK. I effin hate my brain.

I'm back on the AD. Hoping that will help some.

In some ways, I am so close to having everything I've wanted. I have my own office... an office where I can bring D12. I'm writing for a community that likes me. I have a decent paycheck. The company has things in place to help me proof my work. I complain about the rent, but our new home is beautiful and we have this spectacular view each morning. D12 needs friends, but we have this fabulous special needs teacher as her tutor.

If I consistently put out a decent paper each week, I could easily freelance on the side. I could build up freelance clients with no problem.

But, I wake up each morning with this enormous, all-consuming dread of one million things needing my attention and I shut down. Then, I avoid.

I still feel them watching me, the company, and I know that's the truth... but, in other ways, I have this great situation.

I'm angry with myself for not being able to overcome this anxiety. And, when speaking with that therapist last week, I see this long thread of shame shadowing me my whole life. I don't know how to break free from the anxiety.

It takes one small comment or thought to set me off into this swirl of self-doubt and overwhelm.

Then, I try harder and I fail and it starts all over again.

But, I know I NEED to stop beating myself up for it. I'm not sure this is a case where I need to try harder.

Maybe that's the root of the weed? Ever since I was a kid, I've created these plans to start over and do better.

IDK. Just thinking aloud. I'm sick of it though. I'm sick of the pressure every day. The pressure of my own head.

No news from the western front. Didn't expect any actually. I'm sure Monday rattled him. I don't think he planned on getting honest about missing us. He did call and actually talk to D20. First time in 1.5 years that they spoke. I'm glad of that.

Leaving him to his own messy life. He doesn't feel like my problem to fix any longer and there's freedom in that. I, however, need to fix this problem of mine which has impacted my life profoundly.