Like a jigsaw puzzle

[Squiggy]

Thanks. Anxiety is up a little bit, but I'm aware of it and working on it. I have a couple hours until she gets here, and then we're just going to let things be. Planning on having a nice and easy weekend without high expectations and going with the flow. I have some activities planned for us, both special and normal.

She is still putting more effort into all of this. There has not been a day where she wasn't texting me back and forth. She has made sure to endorse me all over the place on LinkedIn and has complimented me on the weight loss. I've been responding when I have time but not being too eager or available. Funny how she asked me one time if I was mad at her (showing she cares about my opinion), and I told her I was just busy that day. Distance does work, guys!

[Squiggy]

I know it's normal to second guess her motivations throughout this. Definitely difficult, and it shows how far I need to go in terms of trust. I tested a bit by offering to let her take up something she thought she lost, and she said it would defeat the purpose of this to take more stuff up to the apartment. I need to remain calm.

There was quite a bit of "we" use so far this weekend by her: talking about the house, moving back, some things to do in the future, future weekends, etc. She's stood close to me, brushed up against me a few times, and even accepted a side hug of thanks. There is still a distance, and I expected that. I've been working hard on keeping any and all expectations down.

I surprised her this morning with breakfast already made. We spent time together with S5 before I went to work for a couple hours. Afterwards we went to a festival and then had dinner with my mother. And of course S5 wanted to set off some fireworks after that...

S5 has been having a blast, but he is struggling with not being the center of attention like he is used to. W led a short conversation with him and I about how "we are working on being one family in one home" last night.

She faced my mother, aunt (who lives with my mother), and a friend of our's, without talk about what happened, and has seen that they accept her back.

I'm going to keep it nice and easy still. Fortunately we have a free building program in the morning followed by me helping her to replace a rotor on her car and then perhaps a bike ride before fireworks. That should provide good distraction.

[mahhhty]

Keep it up Squiggy!

[Squiggy]

So now for the rest of the weekend.

I woke them up Saturday morning and had breakfast going already. Picked one of S5's favorite breakfasts and then headed to the free Home Depot program. W was completely absorbed in the program and was excited to participate. We went to a parade afterwards, and everyone had a great time. She sat next to me the whole time. We then took her car over to a friend that lives down the street from my mother, and I replaced a rotor and some brake pads while she played with S5 at my mother's. My aunt told me she had asked W in passing what the weekend meant, and W told her that S5 needs his family together. My aunt was upset by this and informed me. I tried to tell her that it is a starting point. After I finished the work on her car, she gave me a massive hug of appreciation (acts of service is a LL for her) and informed me we will be having a cookout at my mother's for the 4th. She then got the idea to wash my car and did so with S5. I ended up taking the initiative to turn it into something we did as a family.

She was slightly quiet and distancing from my family, but I understand it was awkward. I checked in with her a few times to see how she was doing, and she said she was fine.

Later we left to go to a festival and then fireworks. W took photos of us as a family and sat near me throughout. We came home and put S5 to bed, and then she came down and watched a movie with me. She laid down on the couch and put her legs up on mine while watching. She went up to go sleep when S5 woke up and was calling for her.

Sunday we woke up, and I cooked a breakfast she asked for. We then packed a lunch and went to the zoo. They took a family photo, and she really liked it.It was hot outside and she bought frozen lemonade for her and I (that LL again, huh?). We had lunch outside on a picnic table, and she talked about the jobs she has applied to here need to call her this week.

When we got home we finished the movie (Inside Out...yep, she cried too), and then hung out for a while. She stayed much later than I thought she would and really seemed like she didn't want to leave. I had to run inside to try and find something S5 was missing to take back, and she met me in the yard and wrapped me up in a very tight, tender hug. I asked her what was wrong, and she said that I know what it is. I hugged S5 and then went to her window and told her to be safe and let me know when she arrives. She still looked sad to be leaving. Later she sent me a text and told me they made it back and the brakes are fine.

Best part of the whole weekend was that I showed her it only cost a little bit of gas and about $10 to make a great weekend, since finances were one of our major problems. I believe she is going to try and come back down next weekend.

Oh, and she left shampoo, soap, and stuff in the shower...Mean something?

I'm going to recap goals, observations, and such in the next post.

[Squiggy]

Let's get goals out first:
1. Get her to spend this weekend down here again.
2. Get more hugs.
3. Maybe have her hold my hand?
4. More laughter (I was pretty good at that this weekend).
5. More talk about solving some problems we will face when she moves back.
6. See about her spending less time on the phone (Facebook), even though she shared a fair amount with me.
7. Make Retrouaville happen (I visited this with her again)

Observations:
1. Lots of "We" talk.
2. Lots of future talk.
3. She got physically closer to me as the weekend went on.
4. Her attention stayed divided between S5 and I, whereas it would have always been on him.
5. She was planning changes we could make to the house.
6. She left her shower stuff here - might or might not mean something.
7. She changed behind closed doors - expected.

Myself:
1. Stay calm, cool, collected.
2. Keep my doubt about sincerity and all in check - I expected to keep second guessing, and I have.
3. One day, one step at a time. Baby steps. Let it progress naturally.
4. Keep being me, for myself, no matter what happens. She has work to do to catch up at this point.
5. Stay on top of boundaries.

[Squiggy]

And now she has made a connection with a former director of our's and is pretty much guaranteed a job.

I have some work ahead of me to get things going forward in the right direction between the two of us. As I mentioned in a previous post, where I quoted Caliguy, it is so much easier being detached, once you get there, than it is to open up and begin trusting a little at a time.

[Wonka]

Squiggy,

Ya worried about this???!!

Oh, and she left shampoo, soap, and stuff in the shower...Mean something?

It is just...soap...fer cryin' out loud! Your attention is in the wrong place.

Let's get goals out first:
1. Get her to spend this weekend down here again.
2. Get more hugs.
3. Maybe have her hold my hand?
4. More laughter (I was pretty good at that this weekend).
5. More talk about solving some problems we will face when she moves back.
6. See about her spending less time on the phone (Facebook), even though she shared a fair amount with me.
7. Make Retrouaville happen (I visited this with her again)

It is all about HER which you cannot control. I would change those goals to be about WHAT actions you can do to improve relations with W and bring you closer to the big goal.

[Squiggy]

You're right. I'm not focusing on the correct things. I noticed the soap and mentioned it in passing to a female friend. She told me that it was left there on purpose, and it meant something. I'll let it go.

So here is where I need to start looking at myself more. I AM conflicted. This weekend was such a positive experience and move back in the right direction towards R. I've been so hyper focused on actions, and now that I'm seeing them, my head and heart are getting confused. My heart expected those happy I Love You feelings to be going all around this weekend. At the same time, my head was in the right place and keeping me in check. It makes me wonder if I closed myself off too much. Then again, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Even when piecing it together.

Let me highlight something: It was a GREAT weekend. We had tons of fun. We backed each other up on parenting issues with S5, who was adjusting to not being the center of attention. We made preliminary plans about things for the future. She described it as "peaceful".

So why am I here second guessing and questioning so many things? I realize that is part of the process. I had to wall off that part of me for a (relatively) long time. I'm questioning her motives, even though her actions are showing she is wanting to work on the marriage. Why will she not commit to Retrouaville when she thinks it would help?

The goals I made above were about her, her actions. I guess I need help with setting goals for myself. I've started, again, to read through threads who have gone, or are going, through piecing to learn some of the things others have set as goals. I definitely need to not be so hyper-vigilant about things. There are not meanings in everything. I need to remember that although she is smart and capable of deception on such a level, she is not intentional in everything she does. Similarly, I have to find a way to begin trusting again. So far I have let her back into my home for an entire weekend.

Other than those, I'm kind of at a loss for what I should be doing other than taking it one step at a time and keep addressing my own personal issues. However, I feel a sense of urgency, because she may be back to living here as soon as the weekend of 8/1 or earlier.

[mahhhty]

There shouldn't be any urgency. You need to be patient and focus on you and having fun when together. The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is green where you water it.

As MWD always says... if you wanted to have a bad time with her you know what to say (the bad things to push her buttons... perhaps telling her she is like her mother). So revisit your goals with your actions in mind.

Get her to spend this weekend down here again.
- I think this is a fine start, but what will you be doing to enable this. What do you need to do to make this happen? Ask her? Create a loving environment where she chooses to stay? Ask yourself these questions for each goal.

[Squiggy]

OK, so that first goal that I originally had is taken care of for the next two weekends at the least. She will be here this Friday and then from Wednesday night to Sunday next week. Time for me to get you work.

I don't have much time right now, but u did want to put down that Caliguy's posts about no more secrets rang a bell, and I need to find a good way to address that with W as well.