Like a jigsaw puzzle

[Squiggy]

You're right. I'm not focusing on the correct things. I noticed the soap and mentioned it in passing to a female friend. She told me that it was left there on purpose, and it meant something. I'll let it go.

So here is where I need to start looking at myself more. I AM conflicted. This weekend was such a positive experience and move back in the right direction towards R. I've been so hyper focused on actions, and now that I'm seeing them, my head and heart are getting confused. My heart expected those happy I Love You feelings to be going all around this weekend. At the same time, my head was in the right place and keeping me in check. It makes me wonder if I closed myself off too much. Then again, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Even when piecing it together.

Let me highlight something: It was a GREAT weekend. We had tons of fun. We backed each other up on parenting issues with S5, who was adjusting to not being the center of attention. We made preliminary plans about things for the future. She described it as "peaceful".

So why am I here second guessing and questioning so many things? I realize that is part of the process. I had to wall off that part of me for a (relatively) long time. I'm questioning her motives, even though her actions are showing she is wanting to work on the marriage. Why will she not commit to Retrouaville when she thinks it would help?

The goals I made above were about her, her actions. I guess I need help with setting goals for myself. I've started, again, to read through threads who have gone, or are going, through piecing to learn some of the things others have set as goals. I definitely need to not be so hyper-vigilant about things. There are not meanings in everything. I need to remember that although she is smart and capable of deception on such a level, she is not intentional in everything she does. Similarly, I have to find a way to begin trusting again. So far I have let her back into my home for an entire weekend.

Other than those, I'm kind of at a loss for what I should be doing other than taking it one step at a time and keep addressing my own personal issues. However, I feel a sense of urgency, because she may be back to living here as soon as the weekend of 8/1 or earlier.