Little Cloud of Dust - PigPen & The WAW (3)

[PigPen]

Thanks Wonka, I just finished a second session with addiction counselor to go over everything on Thurs. He agrees that it's ok to let her know how much fear I had over abandonment and rejection, that it's not justifying the behavior but letting her see that I was scared and hurt myself.

It's the truth, I used to "joke" with my W that she married me because I was the last man standing. She had rejected me over and over in my mind by dating my friends, online dating, and then dating me and breaking up with me numerous times. All the while knowing how I felt about her as I had taken the risk and told her my true feelings for her early on.

Just the exercise this week of putting myself in her shoes and feeling how she felt also put me square in my own shoes and I was honest with myself about how much fear I had through out my marriage that at any point I was going to be rejected.

Of course, I shared none of this with my W except through passive jokes like the one above, but that's how I felt. Had I been sober enough and centered enough I would have sat down with her and asked her questions about our early times and shared with her the pain that I still carried from them. Instead I buried them and they came out in bad behaviors and self protection.

I'm not justifying anything that I did, and know that there was a much more authentic way to be in an adult relationship. I know this now, and feel that part of this meeting on Thurs is going to be the first time that my W has ever seen this level of vulnerable authenticity.

Now just to GAL for the next two days I don't go crazy in my own skin.