For everyone who is here dealing with a MLC/affair, I can tell you what it looks like from the other side. I've been dealing with an unwanted, unreasonable and aggressive pursuit from an old 'friend' this past week. He is married. I have been very upset. -----------
Last Monday I stood my friend up after asking for his help. I did not mean to, and realized fifteen minutes into a lunch that I'd lost track of time. I called and texted apologies.
And then, a very strange response from one of the most balanced and rational men I thought I knew. "No expectations, Z, but if you cared for me anywhere near as much as I care for you, you would not disappoint me. Ever."
WHOA. Now entering crazy territory. Where I previously felt awful, alarm bells went off. I did not reply.
The next morning, I received an email. Acknowledging he 'over cares' but is fine with it, its the price of admission to our friendship and he was really upset. I responded again acknowledging how awful it was to have wasted his time, but telling him that I've never received such a text from a 'friend' and hope to never receive one again.
Cue a novel length love letter.
I am horrified at this point. This man was a friend to my H and I. His wife, all of us, have had dinners together.
I did not respond for a day.
When I did, I took my time and explained this is not 'friendship' by my definition, I have been naïve, and this is not healthy for me. My wish to create space at this time, though I do care for him. But I do not share his feelings, and would be heartbroken if I was his W.
At first, a positive response from him. Oh, ok, I get it, that makes sense.
Then I got more emails. Accusing me of emotional abuse, trauma, demanding more apologies. That the silent treatment was not acceptable.
So I called. We nearly shouted. His insistence that I own what I've done to him this week and his resulting "trauma" was not something I received with giraffe ears. I told him I felt harassed, uncomfortable, and didn't appreciate the guilting for emotions he's been nurturing and lying about. He couldn't respect someone who had no remorse over hurting a friend they supposedly cared about. He claims to have done nothing wrong, that his W has long accepted he loves me, he has hurt no one...though he did admit she was delighted to know what I've done to him.
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I am upset because this hits so many raw nerves.
A. How dare 'friend' think this is something to approach me with? I had a H that put all of his energy into imagining greener grass and taking me for granted. One who also loved to act like such a victim of my cold, brutal heart. F OFF, all of you!
B. I felt under attack. Manipulation, 2-3 emails a day for four days like a velociraptor searching for response under guilt, love-bombing, angry-parent type prose. 'That didn't work, let me try something else.' It felt unreal.
C. Yet another relationship that isn't anything what I thought it was. I feel like my reality is so slippery these days. Why do I bring out psycho in good men? I laughed when the porn star told me all the things he wanted to do to me before he moved away (the day my H told me he wanted to sleep with others). But this? I respected this man. What is happening?
D. I have lost this friendship. I can't imagine how this could be repaired or safe for anyone in the future. I'm sad. I want to apologize to his W for being naïve and tell her I understand the cold shoulder she greeted me with after 'they' invited me for a pool party a few weeks ago. I can't do that, I am sure she has gone through enough and I don't want to make this messier.
E. Wondering if my STBX had the same cold and final feelings for me, as I do for this man. I had a right to expectation of love in my M, though. I did nothing to nurture this man's drama.
But - I call my STBX unfeeling and abusive. I get called unfeeling and abusive. How the world turns.
F. One of the DR changes I wanted to make in my life was to avoid dumping feelings on my H. This is what it feels like to be on the receiving end of someone's emotional dump. (Now, granted, when my H told me I'd have to F other men if I wanted children, I was hysterical. And dumped all that on him with expectation he would address it and make it better.) But I am sure he did not deserve my intensely emotional reactions all the time. It feels like harassment, completely unfounded, for someone to say their emotional trauma is your fault. I know that I did this in degrees. I would hurt, and he would try to comfort me, and give up. He would anger me, with what at times felt like profound disrespect, though he was clueless how anything had been a big deal.
I know this doesn't excuse what he did to me in the end, or all the other abuses along the way, but it makes me sad. Regardless, even if I was perfect and danced upon all those eggshells, the outcome could not have been different with my H.
I am having a week where I miss him so deeply, all his good parts. And I have to keep telling myself that my father had his good parts too, but we are all better being removed from his violence.
It's been a really rough week. I hate everything.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
