Working on it, but affair hasn't ended yet...

[CaliGuy]

20 minutes later she texts me asking if I wanted to ask her mom to stay with the kids if they've fallen asleep and join her. I said sure. Her mom stayed and I joined her. She kept her headphones on the entire time and just listened to music. I just walked with her, keeping a PMA and imagined (per CaliGuy) the whole tweety bird in Sylvester's mouth idea. ha!

Good on you keeping PMA, I recall a car drive with my W and she did this, literally was like a teen age girl ignoring everyone and in her own world .. drove me nuts.

Just remember, you do not have to accept every invite, even at home you can find 'better' things to do ... this play alot like a game at times and your W will test you and test just how detached you truly are.

We walked a short while and she was done, so I said I was staying out to continue walking and she went home.

Spoke with a friend who said she really enjoyed the weekend and thought it was so great. She said she still didn't think it changed anything, but was much less confident of that.

Its good to have some intel, but look at this from afar and see it for what it is .. you seem to constantly temp check to see if your W has movement, all up in your W's head about where she is at, more concerned about her than you are about what you are doing.
I know this because I am the poster boy for this one .. having issues being able to pull it off my self, but you have to get to a point its about you and your changes, nothing you can do to control her and how she feels ... so keep that mirror handy and start looking at what you want to change about yourself.

[t33]

Thanks WhyUs,

Ya, it's very weird. She's still "getting over" the other relationship. Obviously, I'm hopefully it continues and she doesn't relapse back into it (currently the OM has ended it. Hoping he doesn't change his mind and go back into it). It's all just so recent, I'm trying so hard to mitigate expectations. One day at a time is the mantra.

I realize it could take weeks or longer for her to fully get over it.

Detaching is weird, and I struggle when I'm along or at work. I do my best for PMA when we're together and am just happy go-lucky and crazy showing how much fun I am/can be.

[t33]

Good on you keeping PMA, I recall a car drive with my W and she did this, literally was like a teen age girl ignoring everyone and in her own world .. drove me nuts.

I was so happy getting married that we didn't have to play "games" anymore. Oh, how I feel I'm in some teenage girl's soap opera fantasy.

Just remember, you do not have to accept every invite, even at home you can find 'better' things to do ... this play alot like a game at times and your W will test you and test just how detached you truly are.

And this is the trick. Finding that balance. The whole hope is that she pulls me back into reconnecting. That she reaches out and asks as opposed to me asking. I want to reinforce that behavior. Its so hard to know when to do it and not come across too eager while being, "ya, sure!" and positive.

We walked a short while and she was done, so I said I was staying out to continue walking and she went home.

Spoke with a friend who said she really enjoyed the weekend and thought it was so great. She said she still didn't think it changed anything, but was much less confident of that.

Its good to have some intel, but look at this from afar and see it for what it is .. you seem to constantly temp check to see if your W has movement, all up in your W's head about where she is at, more concerned about her than you are about what you are doing.
I know this because I am the poster boy for this one .. having issues being able to pull it off my self, but you have to get to a point its about you and your changes, nothing you can do to control her and how she feels ... so keep that mirror handy and start looking at what you want to change about yourself.

So true. So hard, but so true. I'm trying to focus on me and work, but it sure is nice to hear how she is doing. Even beyond this, but how she's holding up herself. I can't ask her, but I do care, so it's good to know. It's also helpful to get that feedback when she says it was a great weekend - knowing it wasn't just what she was saying to me.

Still, it is what it is - 3rd hand information. Hard to stop, and therapeutic for me....or at least it seems so.

[CaliGuy]

Just some questions from me concerning your 3rd hand intel .... does it go both ways, is this person reporting back to W .. if so .. be VERY careful what you ask and more so what you share .... look at it from above, it looks like a needy husband looking for reassurance his W still wants him = NOT ATTRACTIVE

And this is the trick. Finding that balance. The whole hope is that she pulls me back into reconnecting. That she reaches out and asks as opposed to me asking. I want to reinforce that behavior. Its so hard to know when to do it and not come across too eager while being, "ya, sure!" and positive.

T33 .... advice on this. She can not miss you when you are still in her face all the time.

Read Sandis WW threads ... then read em again... at some point they must feel they are going to lose you ... she has you right where she wants you, and if OM would wake up and love her like she thinks he does ... where would she be>?
Even though OM might be out of the picture .. your W is not just going to mourn the loss, get over it and 'pull you back into reconnecting' .... not the way you are approaching this.

Again ... Detach, GAL, PMA

Homework:

5 things you like about yourself

5 Things you don't

[sandi2]

I have read where some people refer to the 37 rules as their 180's.

Trying "risky" things could be dangerous, especially if you are trying to impress her. Remember, you are a father of two.....so take that into account and act responsible. Stay balanced and don't get stupid. Example, getting a tattoo on your face!

Speaking of getting a tattoo, (to anyone who may be considering it),I suggest you never have the name of anyone tattooed on your body, unless it is the name of your child. Too many OS will change, and then the tattooed person has to carry their name on their body. And in case you are curious......no, I don't have any tattoos. (ha)

[CaliGuy]

So .... you are saying this Wonka Tat was a bad idea?

Crap

[Wonka]

So .... you are saying this Wonka Tat was a bad idea?

Crap

Oh my....Good Lord!! rolling eyes

[Cadet]

So .... you are saying this Wonka Tat was a bad idea?

Crap

Oh my....Good Lord!! rolling eyes

ROTFLMAO!!!

[t33]

Just some questions from me concerning your 3rd hand intel .... does it go both ways, is this person reporting back to W .. if so .. be VERY careful what you ask and more so what you share .... look at it from above, it looks like a needy husband looking for reassurance his W still wants him = NOT ATTRACTIVE

Totally agree. He's in a tricky spot being both our friend, and I am concerned that he doesn't overshare my side. He said he doesn't, but of course it's tough territory and I have to be care.

she has you right where she wants you, and if OM would wake up and love her like she thinks he does ... where would she be>?
Even though OM might be out of the picture .. your W is not just going to mourn the loss, get over it and 'pull you back into reconnecting' .... not the way you are approaching this.

Yep, again I understand and agree. So hard to deal with this. I did see her phone this morning and she did text him on Monday, after our great weekend. Not much conversation, but the gist was,

W: Do you want me to continue texting you?
OM: I don't mind.
W: Have you missed us?

More innocuous texting, but no response to the question. So, A detox back to Day 1 (for now).

Again ... Detach, GAL, PMA

Hard, but yes.

Homework:

5 things you like about yourself

5 Things you don't

I took a while to respond because I wanted to think about the answers and it's difficult to come up with 5 of each. Here goes for now:

5 things you like about yourself

• I'm in a good career position and increasingly successful with good opportunities ahead
• I am a great father and my kids love me
• I like exploring new things and enjoy new foods and experiences
• My family is financially comfortable
• People look up to me and enjoy my company

5 Things you don't

• I work so many hours I'm not always around for my family
• I don't have many friends
• Other than work I don't really have any hobbies (or desire for any)
• I'm not as confident as people think I am
• My focus at work is not there and my performance is suffering

--
As for last night, she went out to dinner with an old friend and had a really good time. She came back in a good mood. I worked late, came home, did my exercise, showered, and then put on some music and started cleaning up one of the girls' rooms. She came home and we chatted about her dinner a bit and more or less went to bed.

The friend she went to dinner with called me today. Told me that she opened up about not loving me and that she was set on getting a divorce, etc. Basically told me that she was taking me for a ride and sucking as much money as she could along the way. When her friend asked if she'd contacted a divorce lawyer yet, she said she was just taking it day by day. I guess that means she's not out yet. I'm sure it's still her wrapped into the EA, and rewriting history, but very troubling and demoralizing.

[WhyUs]

t33,

Sorry to hear you are going though this. It is nice that you have someone telling you what is going through her mind right now. My wife has been confiding in friends and I hear 3rd hand that she is 100% ready for the divorce. That is all they say. I wish I could hear the crap she is really saying to them. I am sure most of it is lies to get validation from them. I don't even talk to those friends anymore. They could care less about my side of the story. It is like the EA does not matter to them. They think it is my fault, that I pushed her to it.

Anyways,I feel for you. Just keep chugging along and hopefully she will see the light soon. I know at times it seems hopeless when they have people to confide in and agree with their mentality. They can't see that those people don't have the understanding of what really happens when you have two young children and their parents divorce. I wish my would listen to the people that are telling her to work on this. Of course, just like the book says, she just pushes those people out of her life.