Continuing Limbo

[PeterV2]

Previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2560715&page=11

Reminds me of the joke:

A 95 year old couple are in front of a judge asking for a divorce. The judge says, "you're 95. Why now?" The couple reply, "we wanted to wait until the kids died."

[u-turn]

Funny stuff...
That is how I feel sometimes - just another event before we can figure this out - but wait, then there's the grandkids

[Complex]

Hahaha. That was a good one and a good start for a new thread lol.
Made my evening.

[Devaste]

Peter,

Time for an update? How are you? What's going on?

Cheers,

Dev

[u-turn]

Peter - you've been gone for a long time. How is everything going?
Hope you are well.

[PeterV2]

Hi everyone. I took a break from the forum for a couple of months, since the status quo is limbo while we get ready for our daughter's wedding.
As you may recall, the deal I made with W back in March was no R talk until after wedding as long as she has NC with OM.
I've only slipped up a couple of times but usually only after she brings up issues like non-compatibility. Not sure if she's been compliant.
Wedding is this Saturday.
We'll see what happens after that.

[Sotto]

Hi Peter, good to hear from you and sorry to hear things havent really shifted in your sitch. I hope everything goes well with the wedding. What are your plans after that? Do you plan to initiate a R talk or will you just carry on DBing?

How are you feeling in yourself towards your W?

Take care, Toots :-)

[PeterV2]

After the wedding I'll see how she is. I may give her a little recovery time but I'm sick and tire of the limbo. No affection, no hugs, no kisses. Lots of bitching and complaining about me.
I will not live in a loveless marriage. I will state my position - my requirements for what I need in my life. What kind of person I need to be married to and she may be that person or she may not - that will be up to her to decide - and I'll give her a limited amount of time to decide before I move on to a better life.

[u-turn]

Peter - glad to see you back, though I was hoping for better news as I'm sure you were. Hopefully there will be some movement for you after the wedding.

What are your feelings about R after all this time - Does Peter still have it in him to continue the fight?

Make the best of the weekend and the wedding.

Take care!

[PeterV2]

Well, the wedding went off without a hitch. I was emcee and my W and her ex lead my step daughter down the aisle. Beautiful outdoor wedding beside the river under the willows and the reception was in a hall an hour south on the same river by the waterfalls. Great evening. Shared a hotel room with the W but separate beds. Now it's over and life returns to "normal".

These past 4 months have been fairly difficult for me. I kept to my promise not to discuss our R. Not sure if W kept to her (unagreed-to) part of the deal to NC the OM. I cannot see her phone and she won't share it with me. I did slip up a couple of times - like when I asked if she was being faithful to me, to which she retorted, "what about you being faithful to me?" which took me a bit by surprise. I replied, "what the heck are you talking about?" followed by, "I'll take that as a 'no'".

But I'm not sure. She's often really sweet, cooking me great meals. Spending lots of time with me, talking about all sorts of things. Enjoying laughs together. And of course taking care of our recovering cat, who is still blind and incontinent, but getting better daily.

She rarely hugs me - gives her ex husband (who was a alcoholic wife-beater 15 years ago) more hugs nowadays than I get. Occasionally I'll go in to kiss her good night or good-bye and she'll turn her cheek to me so as not to kiss me on the lips. Yeah, I know, that's pressuring but it's usually done in a candid, nonchalant way like we used to do years ago.

I sleep in the spare room on an air mattress on the floor, with the cat, who really does need the comforting. One night a few weeks ago I wanted a better sleep so I crawled into my own bed in the master bedroom. W immediately got out of the bed and went downstairs to sleep on the couch. No problem for me as I had a great night's sleep. The next day she left without a word and stayed at her daughter's place and to following day stayed at a girlfriend's place. So I had 3 great nights of sleep.

I'm still doing Fri, Sat & Sun nights at the Retirement Home (RH) which still hasn't sold. Working on getting our resident numbers up - it'll sell when we have 8 (we only have 5 right now).

This week, after the wedding, W is feeling anxious, as she told me this morning. Wants to go talk to our MC. I said we should go see her. W said she wants to meet with her first before we go in together. I see that gesture as a positive sign.

That being said, I'm wearying of the loveless, sexless marriage. No affection whatsoever. Although today she did give me a hug before she left to go to dinner with her girlfriend. She has headaches and anxiety and doesn't sleep well at night.

I'm willing to consider reconciliation if she is game. But I'm not averse to giving her my speech to give her the opportunity to decide whether she wants to or not.

Here's the speech:

I have no desire to control you. I can only control myself.

I have decided what works for me.

I will not live in an open marriage.

I will be married to someone who is faithful to me and committed to working on our relationship.

My wife will treat me with respect and be civil even when we disagree.

My wife will be honest with me even if it's a difficult subject.

I will be with someone who will come to me and not turn to another man when the going gets tough.

This is what I deserve going forward.

Now, whether or not you can be that woman is completely up to you, and I'll understand if you don't want to.

I cannot control what you do; you are a grown adult woman, and are free to make your own choices.

All I can tell you is what I am will to endure in my marriage, and this is a personal boundary with me.

I love you, and I don't want a divorce, and I hope you will come back and work on our marriage with me, at which point I think you will find me ready and willing to work on any and all issues.

I do expect you to let me know, however, and soon, because I'm not waiting forever.

To be delivered in a very neutral tone of voice, no anger or cynicism.

My patience is running thin.