It's Been Two Months Today

[DifRent]

So... for those of you interested in the continuing saga here...

My W has been cold and distant for a good week, and was moving in that direction for weeks prior. No physical affection, short and curt responses, the abandonment of our terms of endearment like "hon" and "babe." Last evening things got a bit heated again, but I could see all day she was feeling guilty, coming just a bit to terms with how poorly she's been treating me, particularly with regard to our separation and upcoming individual living arrangements. She left to go the gym but was planning to come home and sleep here last night, but she never did, so I figured she was angry and only getting angrier with me.

My mom and I chatted on Skype last night, and she said she found herself praying that God would remove the OW from my W's life. She also forwarded an email to me that my W had sent her over a year ago, where she spoke of a song from the musical Les Miserables where the bishop says he has "bought" Jean Valjean's "soul for God," and how she wanted to come home, be baptized, and find God's purpose for her life. I was reminded that THIS is the woman I love, and there is no doubt she's still in there somewhere.

Went to Mass this morning as I've been doing every morning, and prayed the current novena for her, as well as some other very intentional, even insistent prayers. I started to leave, but felt moved to go back one more time and pray one particular prayer - I said, "God, please let me see some sign today that you are answering these prayers, that her heart is softening, that she's feeling conflicted about what she's doing, that she might come back to you, and, if it's your will, maybe even me."

I came back to the house, feeling also as if I wanted to apologize to her for any harsh words spoken yesterday. She wasn't home, which wasn't a surprise... but she came back not long after. Right away, she thanked me for putting out the trash, and I asked why she was thanking me for doing a household chore that needed to be done. She smiled, came over to me, and gave me the warmest hug I've gotten in a long time. I leaned into it, kissed her cheek, and apologized for any hurtful things I'd said yesterday. She dismissed it, ruffled my hair and squeezed my bicep. "Wow, I feel a strong muscle there!"

Suddenly, "hon" and "babe" seems to have returned to her vocabulary with every sentence she speaks. She started some laundry, asked if I had any to do, and gathered it for me. Then she asked if I'd make her a green smoothie... "I miss your smoothies," she said. And of course I obliged. She also needed to order some new realtor yard signs, and since that used to be my job description and she didn't quite know how to access the site to do it, I went up to the office and quickly took care of it... reminding her, I'm sure, of how much more efficient her business was when I was part of it.

Now... I am not reading too much into all this. I'm just saying I had a very specific prayer intention this morning for some kind of small sign... and I think I got it. I know I planted some seeds yesterday, and it's also possible that they've started to grow, just a little bit. I need to use this fresh start to refrain from any more arguments, to remain kind to her, and do all of this with no expectations whatsoever. Because it's not like the OW is going away tomorrow, and it's not like they don't still have all kinds of plans. That whole thing still probably has a good long course to run.

But I just need to be the lighthouse, and keep shining...