So it's time for Mediation... and I confess that I am trying to be strong, but find myself very down these days.
I even wonder why after so long time of separation, I feel so miserable and upset. There are time I even want this to be all resolved and done.
These are times where I find myself confronting all my demons, my wounds, fears. I have a lot of work to do yet until becoming a better person. I need to face rejection, betrayal, inferiority... these are all alive and eating me inside.
I will try my best to maintain my cool and do not fall apart in a million pieces, but I can't deny that it is the way I feel right now.
The only thing that makes me feel better is to think that the D is around the corner and there will be some closure to this whole nightmare.
H is still the same, last weekend asking for some social security numbers, info about our marriage, then had problems with his bank card and did not call the bank, called his secretary, text about his time with his dad, and so on.
I still don't get why to get me involved in his life, it is very mean and does not have any purpose. I get that I will never understand the "Whys" of what he is doing all this. I am very dark and going darker. The closer we get to our big D day, the more I want to be far away from him.
It is time, I am getting ready to cut him off my life once for all and for my own good. Maybe I should see all this in a different way, but detaching for me means really no contact and that is what is my goal.
I feel overwhelmed, tired, hopeless... never tough that this would be so painful as it is. The worse is that I don't even know if I love my H or not anymore. It is all so mixed up in my head and heart. It's love and hate all together.
So my friends, Thursday morning at 9am I will be in a mediation meeting and then the next step is probably to just meet the judge for the final decision and sign the D.
