hold on! - 11

[u-turn]

Easy there V, you used naked U and naked V in the same sentence. I Kind of blanked out after that. Deep breath, regroup, focus. (That’s the most interaction I’ve had since I've gotten my virginity back).

boring honesty section now: ((By the way, that joke up there – that is hard for me to say/write. Do I know it’s a joke – yes. Does everyone know it’s a joke – probably. Is it offensive – not really, maybe to someone, maybe not the time or place for it. Do I use humor to cover up my pain – I think so. Do I use humor to boost my PMA - I try. I guess I worry about what I say all the time. I worry with one offensive word, I will end a relationship/friendship. So usually I will play it safe, I’ll debate with myself should I say it, should I not? (that’s been me – I don’t like that).))
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W, in her rants, has accused me of thinking I am perfect, and everyone else thinking I am perfect (she has said this to me before in our life together). I feel this is so far from reality, and I don’t understand why she says this. Her latest (last weekend) has been that I am doing that again – pulling everyone on to my side – vilifying W and playing the victim.
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But anyway - thank you so much V - I am reading and absorbing what you are writing on the abuse thread (much of it is above my head). But I can also see a lot of what I ignored and thought was just normal behavior throughout my marriage (and can see some of these things from my early life too). I am learning from this.

I feel like I did the best I could during the whole shower incident. Now, I could defend W and say that this was not her intention (she and I would both say that in the past), she was only acting/reacting on her immediate emotions without self control (which she tends to do) - but maybe this is the issue. (but that was a personality trait that I knew and, bit of a hot head, forceful with people, firecracker at times (this is completely different from me, which I thought made us a good team (kind of a good cop/bad cop thing) - but when it is used on me - it changes my perspective. I should have set my boundaries years ago with this - I should have ended this behavior when she stabbed me years ago).

My control of the situation came from knowing that I NEEDED to control the situation. (I actually feel like if she would have grabbed a knife before she came to scream at me, she would have used it. She didn't though). My turning and continuing my shower was a decision and I was trying to take my power back. (also - funny - while she was berating me, part of me was thinking - go away W, you are getting fricken water everywhere).

Thank you for being a friend V!!