Huge Backslide After Affair Recovery

[hopeOK]

Hi Hope,

I'm sorry you find yourself here. You are in the best place for a terrible sitch. I want to be very clear that I am no expert, however, a couple of things about your scenario jump out to me.

Did I read correctly that your h has a history of cheating in his prior Rs and that he has a few failed Ms? I don't mean to sound harsh, however he sounds like a serial cheater. Granted, you can only control you and I certainly understand you want to save your M.

He's mad. Okay. He stopped wearing his ring because in his mind he isn't M anymore. Stop asking him questions and focus on you. Trust me, he knows you want to work on the R so please don't think for a minute that if you GAL and work on what you need to work on that he will think you are not wanting to salvage the R. As soon as you take the focus off of his every word and action, you will feel sooooo much better.

He's not ready to talk to you and I don't think sharing goals with him at this point would produce the results you want. It's time to start from scratch and realize the old R is dead. Put a fork in it. That doesn't mean you can't build a new one, although perhaps now is the time to truly evaluate what you want and need in a R.

Your sitch is very new so I realize this is all very overwhelming. There are no quick fixes and he will try to bait you. What would you like to change for you? Not for him. What changes do you feel you need to make to make you the best Hope possible? Maybe you R and maybe you don't. No one knows. However, if you want to maintain your sanity, get off the hamster wheel.

Oh, and from experience I can tell you to avoid unnecessary drama on SM (FB, Twitter, Snapchat). Don't. go. there. Analyzing who is friends with who and liking photos will lead you to question the trajectory of our culture as whole, so I wouldn't waste my time. However, again, your h isn't here and you are. It just sounds like projection when he is referencing OM when he is the one who is/was cheating.

Hopefully, others will pop by with sound advice. Hang in there..it gets much better:)

Thank you for your advice. I do want off the hamster wheel it is just so hard to not react. I feel a bit like a doormat... he does all these things to punish me and I take it in & try to push kindness back out.

Yes, he has cheated in a couple of his other relationships. His mom was a serial cheater... so there is something there. He abhors his mother's bx and yet he has followed in her path, possibly as a result of his lack of trust and to not be hurt like his father was. I dunno. But yeah. We made it 11 years w/o infidelity (as far as I know & I had not seen any indication until this recent affair started). I thought we were different but I was naive. I married much too young & should have really walked away when I saw his history laid out before me in black & white. I nearly did... but he won me over.

Now I am angry from an email he sent me yesterday & I want to just run in the opposite direction. He points out all these resentments he has towards me. All the things I've done wrong. All this ugliness. I know that nothing I can say will change anything he does or says... but why do I want to try?! Or go in the opposite direction & punish him back. Last night I did do little inconsiderate things & I am now ignoring his texts today. I am reacting to him & acting out of anger. But how do I set limits & boundaries in healthy ways? How do I move on with my life while living in the same house as him with children? I want to just do my own thing w/ the kids, even if I know he wouldn't want to do it just to spite him. To push him to either give up the time he could have with his children or do an activity he really didn't want to do. It is being manipulative, I recognize that... but how do I live my own life, distance myself from his painful jabs, but also be considerate towards him??

I am so stuck and lost. I want to do the right thing but am struggling to see what that even is.