There's a huge gulf of grey area in between the black of "obsessing over her affair and OM" and the white of "totally ignoring it and looking the other way."
And it's in that grey area where the best DBing is done.
No, you don't ignore it -- you confront it straight on, let her know what your boundaries are (100% no-contact and full transparency, perhaps MCing) and then you live your life and work on yourself. But you don't alter those hard boundaries. And when she asks you why you don't want to ML (or why you're upset, or anything else like that) you can just say what feels authentic to you at that moment, like "(Wife), you know my boundaries. As long as you're either still in contact with OM or choose to continue to have the ability to, and not be fully transparent with me, then you are not in this marriage and I cannot be either." When you're ready to fully commit and be transparent with me, I think you'll find me ready and willing to work on all issues, including my own contributions to our marital dysfunction, because I really DO want to have a great marriage with someone going forward."
