Prowl, we've all heard those words. We've all known that we were now able to be the husband our Ws said they wanted. The more we tried, the further they ran. It seems totally illogical, until you look at it through the purser-distancer dynamic that is at play. Anything you do to pursue will cause her to distance. That includes trying to save your M at this point in time. Read that last one again: at this point in time. We've all had to learn the hard way that the best thing at such a time is a strategic withdrawal with all the dignity and calm we can muster.
We detach, let her go, put on our best face, and show her that we are strong enough to make a good life for ourselves and respect her wishes. This catches her off guard. At some point, she starts thinking and watching what you'll do next. Now you put your DBing plan into place. There is not guarantee, as a lot depends on things like MLC and how badly she is hurting and willing to run for seeming quick fixes rather than face up to her problems. But she is watching. You give her the space, GAL, work on you, fix your issues and be consistent in respecting the things you know are important changes that absolutely must take place that do not require her participation, and you wait patiently.
On those changes that don't require her participation, that means that you can't prove to her now that you will be more affectionate, demonstrative, emotionally open, etc. Those are changes you will have a chance to show her if & when she comes back to the table. DBing is an attempt to get her to come back to the table and really make an effort to build a new M with her. Then, you can do all those wonderful things in a prudent, slow, consistent manner so as to regain her trust and not drive her away.
Then you may not see her ride off into the sunset. See how that works. Hard as h*ll to do, but that is the way you help her with her pain and save the love.
In the meantime, get some help. Get into therapy. Consider the medical interventions I mentioned earlier. Turn to whatever support network you have. Focus on your life outside the marriage for the time being. Live apart if you need to and can't stand watching the spectacle. By all means, focus on your kids.
Live to fight another day. For you and your family.
Good luck.
Prowl, this ^^^^. Asitis is SO spot-on with this, and I know most of these thoughts also echo in many of the other posts you've gotten in recent days. With so many people telling you the same thing, you can be assured that these things are so!
As much as I know it pains you, your wife is re-writing your marital history right now and making EVERYTHING "crap." That doesn't mean that it's true. Yes, I'm sure you made some mistakes and you've owned up to many of them here and also to her, but you two also have some great -- AND VALID -- shared memories and marital history. Just because someone calls a horse a chicken, doesn't make it so.
Hang in there, it DOES get better. I PROMISE you. During my sitch 8 years ago there were times where I'd be in our powder room at 2am with my face buried in a bath towel, just SOBBING and crying out to God about my situation. I cried it out, and then I lived to fight another day. I took it one day at a time, praying for strength each morning. Reading one Psalm and one Proverb from the Bible each morning helped me tremendously, as did getting on a daily anti-anxiety/anti-depressant.
