Rebuilding my castle...foundation is halfway...

[LoisB]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the support and feedback.

One thing that came up in the therapy session I had recently was the fact I'm an empath. I'm very sensitive to the feelings of others. Matt isn't manipulating. He is very fragile and easily spooked right now. I think it took some courage to call D20 last weekend and to reach out with the anniversary message. I'm not saying he is super courageous, he's been super-dic, but I'm aware it wasn't easy to do.

And, I feel good about telling him his family didn't stop loving him and missing him. I planted the seed. Now, I will shut up. He can come to me if he chooses.

I think he will, but it could take months and years. He could, literally, be on his death bed. And, I'm aware that my feelings for him have changed. I'm not the same girl who is easily manipulated and terrified of abandonment. He doesn't hold the power over me anymore.

I'm amazingly OK. I know I've spent a lot of time dealing with the frustrations of this move, new job, settling down with D12, finances, etc... Where Matt is concerned, however, I'm in a really good place. I feel strong. The best way I can say it... I don't feel vulnerable.

Somewhere on this journey, I made God my God and removed Matt from that throne. He is just a fragile person who is missing his family. And, I do believe he is hurting and regretting his actions. I don't think he has reached a bottom and he may never get there. He has to face up to some wicked things he has done, especially with the girls.

I've had a sense for awhile that he is slowly coming out of the fog. He has taken small actions like texting D12 daily for six months, paid for the concert tickets, took some action to help me with the support payments and atty issues, telling me he has no plans to remarry... times where he called to get details and help me, paid for D20's car insurance-and did the foot work, called D20.

I realize, in the normal world, these are small, relatively insignificant things...but, for him, I see them as small steps.

But, the biggest change is with me. I ended the conversation yesterday. I don't feel that painful tug to remain engaged while I have his attention.

This last 8 months has been a boot camp of sorts for me. I've had to rise to the occasion when I felt like throwing in the towel.

When I felt that I couldn't take another step, I've continued to put out a newspaper and deal with the jerks at work and handle a limited budget and I've done it alone, dragging two cats, a dog and D12 in almost Canada.

I woke up last night thinking about what I expect from Matt. If I were to verbalize it... which I don't think he can handle at this stage... If I were...I'd tell him that I expect him to do the same. I expect him to rise to the occasion like I have, no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Matt doesn't do uncomfortable unless he is very lonely, scared and broken. Time will tell. Today, I find the situation he placed himself very sad.

And, I still feel some anger.

Also, saw a picture of myself. Ick. The stress has really taken its toll. I look terrible. Weight gain, acne, stress on my face. Something has to give. I'm not sure what. D12 told me again last night how much she hates my job. At 2 a.m. had a clear picture of the job I want. Just writing. No editing. Just writing.