Crisortunity - A beautiful world with endless possibilities.

[Pyrite]

Thus...it's not an assumption your wife is on a terrible and unhappy path. IMO, it is as close to a fact as one can get.

In fact, it's a big reason I try to push betrayed husband to fight for their wayward wives because SHE is drowning and destroying her life (as well as her family's). Instead of "if you love her let her go", I'm an advocate of "If you love her, TRY to save her". Your mileage may vary.

I'm not disagreeing with you - just pointing out that there is a "chance" that this her fairytale destiny love of a lifetime.

The figures I have been quoted from MCs is (here at least) the A R lasts 2 years on average. I imagine it is a highly skewed Gaussian distribution because only less that .5% actually are lasting Rs.

I grew up with neighbours who "swapped" partners. I think the order it went in was that H had A with W of friend. They ended up M. The LBSs became friends and later M. No real surprise that LBSs M was lifelong, the A that ended in M lasted ~20years - until he had another A (actually this was the A he bailed on, he had many over the years my Dad has told me).

I think the "if you love her let her go" sentiment is valid in the sense of letting her go for now. There is nothing I can do about that anyway. She has to find out for herself, IF she ever does, that D/A was not the answer. so I can't "try to save her". Only she can do that. The most I can do is be "the lighthouse". But I am not going to sit around waiting.

This modern phenomena which unashamedly encourages D if you are not "happy" in your M is screwed up. Nothing to do with the sanctity of M, it is just stupid. Personally I don't believe that M is sacred or D is a sin, but I acknowledge the reality that if a committed R (especially with children) doesn't "work" (aside from abuse etc) it is usually due to reasons which can and should be resolved, at least resolution should be attempted.

This A business is just a short term medication/fix. But the reality in our modern age is that following the A, the WAS is not going to admit they may not have been the victim, they may have behaved badly. In my Ws case I doubt that she will ever admit that she even had an affair. She insists that they were just friends. What she calls emotionally supportive friendship (which was only heading one way), we LBSs call EA.

Chances are when the A R goes bust in 18mths, W will return to exactly the same playbook. She might indeed fall into a heap - but I seriously doubt that she will reconsider our M and D and be remorseful. And this I bet is the case in 99% of cases. R after a prolonged A is very rare. I know of several couples that have R. One months after a "sexual" A, one 19 years after an A that ended with a 5 year M. And those in b/n. But by far the majority do not. Yes, often it is b/c the LBS is not open to it either, but also I have spoken to WASs (my aunty in particular) who never even considered it.

She absolutely sees now and after her A ended that the M was really not that screwed, but she never even considered R with her still single exH. Her reason "That was the past. It was what we both needed at the time and it was on the whole a great M". I flat out asked her so why didn't you try to be friends etc (their were kids involved to). She never considered it. Neither did he I guess.

Possibly if he stood out as the lighthouse and beckoned her back, then they may have. Someone else I was talking to got the impression that I was considering a possible future R with W. "You just don't do that - its like an unwritten law". WHY - I asked. "I don't know - you just dont". And that is what my W will be like, at best.

Yep - its up to them Fogg, totally agree. I am moving forward with my life, if she fits in with my stride, great. I am more than willing to support her and help her as best I can, because I do love her. But i'm not going to sit around like a static lighthouse hoping that she even looks my way. That would be a tragic waste of a life.